Down & Up

I haven't mentioned it in any of my earlier posts because I try to not whine on here, but it's been a challenging weekend in some ways, and it's had me a little bit down.

First, I had kind of thought that since the kids were at a camp out Friday night, and Doc was busy with a 2-day class, that it'd be fun to have some girl-time. I know planning is key...so it's really my fault for not putting anything together in advance, but I was unable to find any takers. So I got a lot of cleaning and yard work done...which is good.

Second, I've been really wrestling with how best to parent one of my sweet children who has been having a particularly hard time recently. Sadly I haven't come up with any answers, and the situation has me preoccupied.

And lastly, it's a small thing, but today when I went to church, I actually got there a few moments early. This is a rare event people. Almost newsworthy. Because on our good days, I usually walk in during the opening song, and mentally high-five myself for not missing any of the lesson.

Arriving early meant I had seating options. Usually there are only one or two seats left when I arrive. But today was different. We've all been in this position...when you scan a room to figure out where you should sit. Since I really don't like sitting alone, I looked around and noticed that there was an empty seat next to one woman. I asked if it was available, but apparently it was saved already. So I asked another. Then a third. All were reserved.

There weren't many people in the room yet (we tend to run late to things in our church). Fine, I thought, selecting a row in the middle of the room. There are lots of empty seats still. I'll just scoot down this row and then someone will join me.

But they didn't.

One by one, women filed in and found seats. By the end of the hour, every other row was nearly filled...but all the other seats in my row remained empty. Not one other person was sitting alone.

I took a hypothetical whiff, and then tried to get over it, because I know it's not personal. I know that if any one of those lovely women had known how I was feeling, they'd have been quick to sit with me. I think it just resurrects those feelings of insecurity that I lived with for the first 20+ years of my life. I'm not anti social, and I do try to make an effort to reach out to others and be friendly and thoughtful. To meet newcomers and welcome them. But sitting there all alone just made me feel kind of lonely and wonder if there's something about me that I'm still unconscious of after all these years. After the meeting, I skipped Sunday School and limped home to get some ibuprofen to mask the aforementioned knee pain, and while I was going along I told God "I need a friend at church".

Then after a downer of an afternoon (struggling with my beloved child), I went for a walk to clear my head. Shortly after returning, my friend Michelle called and invited us over for homemade ice cream. My brother had just stopped by, and since Doc couldn't come, I took him along.

And it turns out that it was JUST what I needed! Not the ice cream...even though it was yummy. But there were a few other families there, and all our kids had the best time playing while the grownups talked. It was the first time that anyone has ever invited us over to just "hang out" with them since moving here (and it didn't happen much before moving here either), and today especially, it really meant a lot. It was also good to see my child happy for a solid hour after a season of discontent.

So thank you Michelle. We may not go to church together, but your kindness was, for me today, a reminder of the hand of God in my life.