We have a complicated relationship, my mother and I. It's matched only by the complexity of my relationship with my father. For the past 20 months I've had no contact with him, and only a couple email exchanges and one short in-face visit with my mother. I'm trying to sort things out with them, but in the meantime I feel peaceful about the "break" that I'm on. I requested it because it just got too painful to interface with them, and I couldn't work through things with them actively in my life. So I asked for space to see if I could finally figure things out.
I'm not sure why it's taking so long to find my way in this regard. One thing that crossed my mind is that perhaps it's not about me. Maybe things had to get to this point for my father (and mother) to be able to learn some things that they wouldn't learn otherwise. And that once that has happened, my life-long prayers will finally be answered. Perhaps God is creating a space in all of us for the healing and growth that is necessary to occur.
Part of me is afraid of that healing, which may sound odd. But the pain and discomfort have been my life-long companions from my earliest memories. It's hard to imagine feeling any other way. And while I'm sure this time has been painful for my parents and I feel bad about that, and wish there were some way around it, it probably doesn't compare to the pain that their actions have caused me and my siblings throughout our lives. My mother's email to me yesterday had a quote in it from someone that rings true:
Forgiveness takes time, but healing and trust often take longer still. Ignoring a problem can help us cope for a while, but eventually the problem will present itself to be addressed until it is finally resolved.I did cope with my pain by ignoring it and pretending it wasn't there my whole life. It was, in part, an effort to protect myself and them, but it was also my childlike understanding of how to obey the "honor they father and thy mother" commandment. Now I'm finally acknowledging things, but that doesn't make it easier. I still don't know what to do. I have no road map for making things right. I am still seeking clarity and trying to find my way. Writing is the only thing that seems to help.
6 comments:
That's a tough one, I'm sorry. I know my parents both had struggles with their parents and it's probably the toughest thing they have ever tried to fix in their lives. (My dad had more issues with his than my mom). I don't have any good advice because it was them, not me dealing with it, but from a strictly observational standpoint, I know that it's definitely easier to fix while they're still alive. My dad has gone to yell at his father's headstone and although therapeutic, it just not the same. I sincerely hope and pray you figure it all out!
Hey Blue,
We're cheering for you! There's a book I know that may give you some ideas. It's called "How to Find Peace, Happiness, and Joy." It's by Elder Scott. There is a special chapter dedicated to your subject. You may want to read it. I have the book if you want to borrow it.
Hey, J! I relate to so much of this--at least the alienation from parents parts. Here's to hope for the future.
J., you are a humble, kind hearted and forgiving soul. This will come because above all you desire the love of God to be with you-and that can't be with you if you harbor hate or pain-so you've dealt well over the years, as I've seen this love permeate your countenance so many many times....you shine through my friend, you shine through it well.
Hi Blue,
I've enjoyed your blog so much. It reminds me of my days in Utah and how much I miss everybody there.
I'm so impressed with your honest reflections and with your life courage.
Keep smiling :D
i totally understand what you mean...
i always had complicated relationships with my parents...then my dad passed away and rather then get better with my mom, our relationship seems to have only gotten more strained. i've tried so hard to be forgiving and patient but a person can only take so much of the same pain over and over...
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