Letting Go

she could have just told me

"you're wearing me down

with your nonstop struggling

to find and feel joy".

she could have 

but she didn't.

and i am a slow learner

especially when it comes to my strong attachments

to the people who matter the most.

i don't know if i would have

ever moved on

without the grace she finally extended

to snuff out my miserable wondering.

"that's it?!" i thought.

relieved. oddly.

surprised by the peace finally knowing bestowed.

i would have predicted a feeling of loss

but i guess i'd already grieved what once was

a beautiful friendship

that blessed my life

and hers...

(let's be fair.)

but she gets to move on.

and blessedly

so do i.

at last.

The Abyssal Zone*

Hey guys, Doc said he missed me writing on my blog, so here is something I wrote:

sometimes I wish it were
the actual ocean
because that’s what it feels like
sometimes

it’s dark
and heavy
and the pressure increases
the deeper i sink

it’s cold
and lonely
dangerous and vast
and has the potential to kill

it’s even salty and wet
(when the tears won’t stop flowing)
sometimes i can’t seem to
get enough air

but it's not the ocean
and i don’t actually drown
no peace greets me
from a realm known for light

because i keep on fighting
to reach the surface
while the lifeguard watches me struggle
from afar

eventually i claw my way up to the beach
where the sun dries and warms me
(at least till the next high tide
drags me back under)

 Some days this is just how it is, peeps.

* The Abyssal Zone

Miraculous (An Introspection)

They are miraculous, these children of mine.

Each arrived with a unique personality, special gifts and abilities, and challenges.
Sometimes I look at them and marvel at their lives,
wonder at what is in store for them,
just like myriad other parents who love their miraculous kids do.

As parents we try so hard to teach our children,
and arm them with skills and knowledge,
to help them avoid all the heartache, pain, suffering and disappointment possible.
But we can’t prevent these things from touching their lives.
There is no such thing as a life without hard times.

So I wonder, always, what challenges will my sweet children experience?
What will they endure down the road?
What are they enduring right now,
and how can I help them?

There is no way to stop the onslaught.
Hearts will ache, bonds will break, chances and opportunities will come and go.
Then there are the vices.
Will the gripping hold of addiction be their plague?
…whether it be alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, pornography, immorality, or some other hellacious pit that relentlessly clings to its captives.
Will mental, eating, or other disorders
infiltrate their minds and color their perceptions?
How about relationship issues?
Will they marry and live (essentially) happily ever after?
Struggle to find their soul mate
Wade through the impact of divorce?
Will children come to them easily,
or not at all?
Will poverty follow them, will they have difficulty making their way in the world?
Will they be victims of crime, or serious accidents, illness or injuries?
Will they suffer abuse of any sort?
What about materialism? Will they be able to resist the lure and allure of things?
Will life be essentially peaceful?
Or will war, invasion and terror
be the hallmark of their days ~
like it is for so many.

With the list of possible challenges stretching off into the horizon,
it would be easy to just focus on this moment,
and react to the demands of today
(Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof).
Or to feel hopeless,
unequal to the task of successfully raising
these children ‘o mine.

But I’m not.

I'm optimistic.
And like countless other committed parents,
I am trying to arm them with the tools and skills they’ll need
in order to navigate the challenges that will come,
the ones that are here today,
and those just around the bend.
Trying to teach them to handle the ebb and flow of life
with faith, honesty, steadiness, and humility
to keep their wits about them
as they continue achieving, excelling and finding joy
in daily life,
even while dealing with problems.

It’s not easy.
Sometimes I feel like I’m walking in a dark tunnel,
with no light shining up ahead,
and only the faint glow of past experience glimmering behind me,
reminding me that there is further light to be found.

But every now and then, I lift my sights and see another parent,
who has traveled this route before.
Whose children are just a little bit further down the road of life.
And I notice how they’re doing it, how they’ve handled things.
Things I haven’t even begun to experience yet.

I observe the wisdom they’ve incorporated into their parenting journey,
and take notes to file away for when I am in a similar situation.

Wise parents seem to have mastered the patience needed
to allow the chrysalis-esque process
of transforming from child to teen to adult
to happen,
without meddling in a way that would damage
the fragile new creature about to spread it's wings.

It’s a fine line, this meddling or interfering.
But when the process is complete, do they sit in awe
and wonder
at the remarkable creature before them?
So different yet so familiar to the one they brought into the world
seemingly yesterday?

We try our best to arm our sweet children.
Teach them who they are, why they’re special, why they’re here.
I know no matter what I do,
I’ll never prevent them from learning things through hard experiences.
And it almost seems like an ironic twist
that sometimes the things we try hardest to prevent
or most want to avoid,
find a way to affect our lives.

So more than anything else,
I hope my sweet children learn
that no matter what
I love them.
No matter the mistake, heartache, failing, or problem,
I love them.
No matter what
I’m on their team.

And they can get through anything.
And they’ll be better, stronger, more imitable and happier people
for enduring well.
They can lean on me,
they can lean on their dad,
they can lean on each other
and their friends and loved ones,
but most of all I hope they lean on their God.

I know He’ll lead them back to Him if they’ll let Him,
and I hope I’m there when they arrive.

The House by the Side of the Road

I love this poem. I felt like sharing it today. Have a terrific weekend!

The House by the Side of the Road ~Sam Walter Foss

There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the place of their self-content;
There are souls like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze the paths
Where highways never ran-
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat
Nor hurl the cynic's ban-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by the side of the road
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife,
But I turn not away from their smiles and tears,
Both parts of an infinite plan-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened meadows ahead,
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
And still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban?
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Middle-Night

In the starlit dark of night
i run
in lane three.
it's blue,
and i am alone and free
just me, the music,
and all those beautiful constellations.
no hills or heat
the difference this makes can't be overstated.

the crescent of a yellow moon
shines above the silhouette
of giant mountains to the east
i love those mountains
they make me happy
and running in their middle-night shadow
is strangely inspiring.

the faint scent of horses
and a cool updraft
greet me on the north.
hay and earth...it's a good smell
i chase my lengthening shadow round the bend
notice my form
relax my arms, lift my head, un-tense my shoulders.

the great expanse of the valley twinkles
all along the west
it's brighter here
i grab my water as i pass the bleachers
and count out loud as i complete another lap

the south end quickly passes
i'm back along my friend east
it's my favorites stretch

twelve times i repeat the sequence
before running to my home.
down the stairs
across the creek
i pause the music to hear the water
it's one of my favorite sounds on earth
too dark to see
but i know the beauty that lies below
know it well.

today i don't hit any wall
no mental, emotional or physical barrier
i wait, expecting it, armed with positivity
to fight
but it never materialized.
it's a gift i know i won't always have,
but it was nice, this time, to run
and feel free.