Twenty-Four

From the moment I met him, he seemed larger than life. I think it was initially his mind that impressed me. He was one of those golden boys who had always had straight A's and full-scholarships. His artistic abilities were considerable, as were his musical talents. He was earnest, hard-working, un-assuming, kind-hearted, deep-rooted.  The list of his admirable qualities (which wasn't just in my mind...I actually wrote it down) was long.  He was unassuming and liked by all...or at the very least disliked by none, which was a feat I was particularly positioned to appreciate given my tumultuous  teen years.  He was from a lovely, solid family and had four younger siblings that adored him. He was well-adjusted and happy.

And he liked me.

ME!

(?!)

That fact alone was usually all it took for me to fall for a guy based on my self-worthlessness at that time. But for some inexplicable reason, I just wanted to be friends.  I really liked him. I admired him. But more than that, I just wanted to be with him...and any guy I'd ever fallen for in the past was pretty much a flash-in-the-pan and then our friendship was over. 

So I told him I just want to be friends, and even though he liked me still, he said "that's fine."  

And so it began.  

That was twenty-four years ago this month.  

We hung out all the time.  We could talk for hours about everything.  We DID talk about everything that crossed our minds.  He became my best friend and every moment that we were together felt miraculous and wonderful. It was like landing on a whole new universe of possibility and joy, being with him.   Pretty soon I realized that I was totally in love. And I told him so.  He said he'd been in love with me from the start. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that someone was actually in love with me. 

It was glorious.

Because of the difference in our self-esteem levels at that time in particular, it was easy to pedestalize him.  The sky was not a limit for him I secretly thought. I practically immortalized him, but he didn't let it go to his head or buy into it in any way.  Still, I knew we were going to be an amazingunstopableandchangetheworld couple, because he was more than enough to make up for my (believed) deficits. 

I had no real concept of what kind of pressure being highly-esteemed can create, to say nothing of the already internalized pressure of being a provider for a family when you're just barely done with childhood yourself.  He didn't seek my sky-high-opinion. He honestly didn't entertain thoughts of greatness. He has always been genuinely modest that way.  He treated me as though we were equals.

We wed early in the morning on a warm summer day in 1990. We were so young and undeveloped as individuals at the time, only twenty-one, but I felt confident about our ability to take on the entire world...every bit the legitimate grown-up that the law said we were (until the day we tried to rent a car and had an "under 25" policy apply.  But we've been married for three years! How am I not a full-fledged adult? I wondered.)  

I've come to think it takes most of your twenties to truly become an adult.

The pressure from without to be a certain way comes from all sectors: family, school, church, work, friends, country.  It is present in all our lives, but I think some individuals are more deeply affected by it than others...they internalize it.  The expectations inspire some, but anchor others, and not always in a place they wish to be. This can be a heavy responsibility. I think of young teenage boys who are drafted to fight older men's wars, and the heavy toll that is exacted of them in the name of duty, honor, responsibility to country.  Sometimes it's just way too much. But there are individuals who are really exceptional at carrying on, no matter what.

On this week of thanksgiving, I've been pondering the abundance of blessings in my life, and they are legion, but there was a moment when I sensed an awareness of gratitude for Doc, different than ever before.  

Perhaps it was the angle of weariness in his posture after a long, difficult day at the hospital, when he came home to a sick wife and neglected kids who needed nursing, food, homework help, and parenting, and he just took care of everything despite his own personal preferences and needs, that I became aware of this.

Of course this is just what we do, all of us, but I think it comes more naturally to some than others.  For some, it is actually a labor of love, a conscious choice made every time, rather than their natural way of being.  

Maybe it was as I lay upon my bed, home alone, head and body aching with fever, wishing for comfort and relief from any one, but realizing it was him that I would have especially liked to have near me.

No matter when it happened, there came a moment when I saw my sweet husband with new eyes. With a wash of appreciation for his steady, enduring, patient, endless presence and love in my life. For his forgiving nature, his long-suffering with things that he'd otherwise have not had to have in his life, were it not for the choice he made to just love me, loose ends and all, those many years ago. And the many years since.  

For how he does his very best to manage and meet the great number of different expectations so many people have of him in the best way he can, while still retaining a sense of who he is on his inside.   It's a hard juggling act, and one that many people would have just walked away from altogether.  But he stays, and keeps juggling.

Today I'm very grateful for my dear husband, whom I call Doc.  His name is Brad, and my name is Julia. He calls me silly nicknames more than my own name (today I'm "Jay-beepen-beeber"). He makes me laugh and makes me proud and makes me stretch and learn and grow by just journeying through the years with me.

He still believes in me and what I might accomplish in my life...calls me his "wild card". He encourages the best in me, but never tries to live my life for me, and even if I never do anything exceptional or amazing, he'll still be here for me. 

He hugs me goodbye every morning though I'm still in bed when he leaves for the hospital.  He reads what I write and gives me thoughtful, encouraging feedback. He puts up with my lack of consistent domesticity, my tendency for messes and clutter. 

He takes exceptionally good care of himself in terms of food and exercise and health. He gives his time and money and support to things that I believe in. He is diplomatic and tactful. He has never laid a finger on me no matter how infuriating I may be at times and I know I can trust him 100%. He appreciates the smallest things I do, like making a nice dinner, or folding his clean laundry.  

He fathers our sweet children in a gentle, kind way, and has a tender, beautiful relationship with each of them.  We aren't perfect and we've had our major ups and of course even more major downs because that's just how all relationships are, but he's on my team and is a constant I can hang my star on. 

For these reasons, and countless more, I am exceptionally grateful.  In fact, in the vast universe of things I count as blessings in my life--which includes all my dear friends, and you lovely readers of this blog, I think Doc, my Brad, is probably the what I'm MOST grateful for on this day of Thanksgiving.  And that's just how it should be.

I love you, Sweetest! And I'm grateful for twenty-four years of life with you! ♥

Match Moment. After years of schooling and applying to various residency programs all around the country, this envelope revealed what kind of doctor he would train to be during residency, and where that training would take place.
That was an incredible experience.

Soaring

A couple of weeks ago Bunch decided she wanted to compose a song to perform in her school talent show this year. She worked on it for the week before auditions, and was  pretty nervous that day. Seventy-one acts tried out, but only twenty-one would make the cut and there is a LOT of talent in her school. She felt good about her performance, but either way, she was just glad to have it behind her.

Well, she made it.  I was scheduled to fly that day, but ended up being in town because of a head cold.  I made sure I was all ready with a full battery and empty memory card to record her performance.  So imagine how disappointed I was when a minute into her song my camera turned off...I realized that it had been on the camera setting and not the video setting, so after 60 seconds of inactivity it powered down.  I quickly switched on, but only got the last half of her performance which was AMAZING, the best I've ever heard her play it.  The kids cheered like crazy.

But today I was happy to have another chance to capture her playing it during a small piano recital at her teacher's home.  In her words, "it wasn't quite as good as the talent show", but she still did a fine job. 

The name of her piece is Soaring.

Here is her recital piece from last spring, and the one a year and a half ago with her first piano teacher.

A Saucy Post

I'm not much to write about in the kitchen.  Sure, I have made a few cakes that have been a hit, and my English Toffee is THE STUFF OF LEGEND.  But really, cooking has never been a strong suite, and I think it's because for most dishes, the key is THE SAUCE.  

And by sauce, I mean the seasonings, gravies, saucy, flavorey things that you add to the bulky ingredients.  This is where I have a deficit and need help.  Because, plain baked chicken? Boring! Chicken baked in heaven makhani sauce? I'd live on a deserted island with nothing else to eat for the rest of my life.  Fancy cut of steak? Meh.  But whatever it is that they put on it and do to it over at Christophers? Oh.My.  

So I think what I really need is a sauce cooking class.  Where you learn how to make all the seasonings and sauces that make food so worthwhile.  The quarterly community college/continuing education catalogs come in the mail periodically, and they offer classes on everything from fringey alternative "medicine" therapies or how to communicate with the dead, to basic computer skills, but I have never seen a cooking class that focuses on just the seasonings and sauces side of cooking. Someone get on that, will you?! And sign me up. Alternatively, does anyone know of a sauce-blog that teaches this stuff. With pictures?

Okay, not saucy enough? Here's Doc and I on Saturday night dressed up as Harry and Hermione GONE DARK. Only Doc looks like HARRY AFTER JOINING KISS, and I just look like a vapid witch that has never even heard of Hermione.  That's what The Dark does to people, ya know?!

Doc has Harry's spectacles on, but the black makeup around his eyes did a good job of concealing that fact. And btw, did you notice how young I look with superlonghair? Hmmm...

 Also, it's November 1st, so only 11 days till The Dance. And it's snowing at my house. We all know how much I love the snow. (Kimber? Is your spare bed available?!)

Hobnob

Tonight we chilled with our buddy, Senator Orrin Hatch.

Okay, we're not really buddies. But we did hang out with him and he said I was pretty. I bet he kisses babies, too! :-)

Calling All Music Mavens

Okay, maybe not ALL.  Let me explain:

One thing I'm very committed to is creating magic in my kids' lives.  Birthdays are a big part of this, and I've always tried to create cakes and surprises to delight and enchant my little darlings. 

Bunch's birthday this year is kind of special...she turns fifteen on 11/11/11, which is such a fun date...it only happens once a century (see how I'm good at math like that?), PLUS it's on a Friday this year. FunFunFunFun!

So I was trying to think of what to do for her a while back.  Till now we've just had a bunch of girls at her parties, but her absolute MOST FAVORITE thing in the world are the big youth dances our church has three times a year, which you can start attending at age 14. She has loved them this past year, but wishes they'd have them at least once a month. 

Bunch before the most recent dance

So I started looking into it and thinking about what it would take to pull off hosting a dance.  With some thought I decided that why yes, I do believe I have what it takes. 

Because of limited cash flow (who needs a real DJ anyway) it's going to be an iPod Dance Party which is all the rage now I hear (when I'm in an echoey room). Plus my awesome brother in law agreed to be our MC slash DJ and the kids will love him because, seriously, FUNNIEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET. If funny=crazynaturalentertainer. So really, what else do I need (#SpeakersFoodBouncers)

But as for the music part, I'm going to need some help.  

And that is where YOU come in.  Because I have NO IDEA what songs to get for a youth dance.  I'm betting the kids wouldn't be super impressed if I load up my favorites and turn the Platters lose on them. #tooclassy

So dear readers, lurkers and friends, help a hopelessly-lost-in-the-musical-past-momma out. Leave a comment with suggestions of songs that are appropriate for kids at a  dance in a church  (read: not explicit, no suggestive or profane lyrics, yet current, with good dance-beat and popular with kids today). I'll be hitting Amazon.com music downloads and creating a playlist before the big day, and could use all the input I can get.  Bunch has plenty of slow song ideas, but the fasties are where we're both in need of major help.

When I finally told her what we are planning, she was SUPEREXCITEDTOTHEMAX.  Her first comment was "I don't want anything except this dance for my birthday. And let's have people bring a donation for the Utah Food Bank for admission!" What a BRILLIANT idea! 

So that's the scoop.  We’ll be collecting food for the hungry and have an awesome dance party while celebrating the once-a-century date.  It’s a bit of a stretch for me as I’m unaccustomed to heading up really big events, but I think it’s under control. A lot of amazing people have offered to come and help out, so I'm sure it'll be awesome as long as BOYS show up!*

So, hit me with your best shot songs...fire away (guessing that's not one of them.)  Thanks!!!

xoxo, 

Blue

*Note to my local friends who are Mothers of Boys...(okay fine, girls too), we'd love to have your children join us if they're the gotta get footloose type. Please let me know if you'd like more information.

How It Went

Hi guys!

Okay, I think a little background info is in order before following up on my last post.  

As I've mentioned before, it's been years since I cut off contact with my parents.  Five, in fact.  

At that time I wasn't sure how long it might be. I didn't really have a plan, I just knew that for my own sanity, I needed some distance and time to heal from the abuse and neglect of my childhood, and that just wasn't happening as long as they were in the picture. I tried to be nice about it, but really, there's no way something like that doesn't hurt. And I hate hurting people.

A year later I checked in with my mother while she was visiting a friend who lives near me. I told her I still wasn't ready to resume contact. 

Another year passed and that's when I confronted my father (as I wrote about and linked to in my previous post).  That was three years ago.  

I described part of my journey to this point in a talk I gave this past April, which explains how I was able to get to the point I was at last Christmas Eve, when I sent them a long email, the heart of which was to tell them: 

I’ve been working hard and praying hard, and I want you to know that I forgive you both for the things that you did, and didn’t do, which have caused me pain.  I know you are both good-hearted people with good intentions. We kids were a handful and you did what you could, and some things you couldn’t do, but we all at least survived, and I’m grateful for what I’ve learned so far in my life.  I really am."

So again, I want you to know that I do forgive you, and I’ve been praying for you both, but unfortunately I’m still very uncomfortable about having you in my life. And I’m sorry about that, but it’s just where I’m at.

Which brings us up to this past Saturday when my father called.

Since you're probably curious to know, I will tell you that overall, dinner went pretty well. I was noticeably quieter than usual; not really comfortable, but trying to be pleasant. But my typically reserved, "back row kind of guy" husband really stepped up to the plate and was conversant, engaging and sociable.  My sweet girl was her cheery, normal self. And even Gator, who didn't really want to go, also did just fine. It all made me feel so supported, thankful for, and in love with my little family! (And then I came home and had several lovely notes of support from my bloggy friends.  Imy bloggy friends!  Thanks for the notes and emails!)

As we were leaving the restaurant my father asked if there was a time we could talk before they left town. I didn't have my calendar on me, so I told him I'd call and let him know.  (By the way: Did you know that buying yourself a little time in situations like this is actually part of having healthy boundaries? I didn't realize that until my therapist mentioned it yesterday.)

I can't say I actually wanted to meet again, but I felt like I should at least make an effort to hear what he wanted to say.  So I called Sunday night and arranged to meet for breakfast on Monday morning.  At the last moment, my mother asked if it was okay to bring my brother Davis along.  "ABSOLUTELY!"  (SO glad I didn't have to do it alone!)

We met at IHOP and after a few minutes of chitchat my dad dove in.  I wasn't sure if he was going to announce that he was terminally ill and had just weeks to live, or what.  But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that really, it was just about the family stuff.

One thing they were both a bit confused about was how come things aren't better between us, since I've supposedly forgiven them.  We (Davis and I) had to explain that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.  And honestly, I don't think that he EVER realized this before.  I could see the dawning of understanding in his eyes as we explained this concept to him.  Forgiving him didn't mean we trusted them, or felt comfortable being with them.  

I should have used the example (but I didn't think of it at the moment) of Sigfried and Roy, who had the most visited show in Las Vegas, until one night during a performance, Roy was bitten on the neck by a seven-year-old male tiger named Montecore, and dragged off the stage. He suffered severe blood loss, a stroke and partial paralysis and has spent years in rehabilitation.

These men loved that tiger. They'd raised him from a cub and spent time with him every day of his life. But this event changed their relationship forever.  They could forgive the tiger (if you'll excuse the example of forgiving an animal...this is a metaphor after all), they could even still love the tiger, but the trust they once had was shattered, and their show had to be permanently cancelled.  

Sometimes when things are serious enough, trust won't ever be restored 100%--at least in this life. My parents have a long way to go before I will be in a position to really trust them again. 

The other really big thing was explaining to my father that we think he has very high-functioning Asperger's, or something along those lines (my totally unprofessional diagnosis)...because he has always had a massive blind spot that he doesn't even realize is there when it comes to social issues and how interpersonal relationships work.  This was totally news to him, but all three of us insisted unanimously that it's true.

It was like trying to explain to someone that can't see the color red that there's this whole part of the spectrum that most of us are aware of, but that they didn't know existed. And we didn't realize he couldn't see it all this time, but we're starting to put the pieces together. 

So now, having had this brought to his attention, perhaps he can do some research and gain some knowledge about the matter that might make it easier for him and those around him in the future.  He just really doesn't understand how some human interactions work, and that is part of the problem (though it doesn't account for his uncontrolled temper, which thing never really did change even after the sexual abuse stopped. Discussing this part may help him be aware of why we're uncomfortable even now.) 

I can't honestly recreate much of our breakfast conversation WHICH LASTED FOUR HOURS, (made sure he left the poor, underpaid waitress a really big tip), but ultimately I feel like there was some movement for all of us I think, and over all it was probably a good thing that we had the talk. I agreed to allow limited email communication, and I was able to say some things that I probably needed to say.  

I know I don't have all the answers about this whole matter of healing and forgiving deep wounds. I'm no expert, but I DO I feel like I'm being led along, tweaked and turned in ways that will ultimately help in the (in-depth, never-ending, intensive) refining process, and I’m just trying to be humble enough to let myself be helped if possible. I share my journey here in case it might in some small way help another in their own life.

I really do hope that my parents can continue to learn and progress so that things can really improve for them.  It kind of seemed like they were still hyper-focused on me, and trying to get me to change so that things would be "all better" in our family.  I may have imagined it, but it felt like maybe they realized there were things that they still need to do and CAN do on their end.  So that gave me hope.

Thanks again for the support during this experience. It means a lot to me!

xoxo,

Blue

PS: I really will be getting to the promised Drama Triangle.  Soon!

Unexpected Call...

Dropping the bags of groceries I was carrying on the table just now, I answered the phone. It was an unfamiliar number on the caller ID. Expecting a telemarketer, (delay after answering and a poor connection), it took me a moment to catch what the caller was saying, but he asked for me by name. I said it was me, and then he told me his name. I replied "oh..........hi."  

He either didn't catch my response, or thought perhaps I'd misheard him, so he further clarified, stating his name and adding "your father". 

I haven't heard his voice in 3 years...since the last time I saw him.  It's been 4 years since I had talked to or saw my mother.  

"We're at Temple Square (downtown Salt Lake City) and even though it's last-minute, we're wondering if we can take you guys to dinner."

I'm not usually quick on my feet in such situations, so my default tendency is to decline. But I surprised myself (and probably him) by being open to the possibility.   "Let me check...can you hold on for a minute?"

I asked my family what they thought.  They agreed to the idea. So here we go...20 minutes till we meet them at a restaurant. I don't know what will happen, but I do know it won't be nothing.  Here goes...

Forget Not...

This is a little reminder from one of my favorite talks last week.  Entire talk can be found here.

 

Mini Vacation

I know yesterday I said I'd be discussing The Drama Triangle next, but I interrupt your programming with a little side post.


This week we took the kids out of school for a day and went camping in Goblin Valley, hiking through Little Wild Horse slot canyon, and visited Arches National Park again.  And seriously, I have to say, If there's a state with more amazing natural beauty than Utah, I want to hear about it.  


Since I'm the "keeper of the photos", I decided to post some here for my family so they can see them.  Good memories!

Gator climbed up on the rocks behind our campsite

Goblin Valley -- we had it all to ourselves.

Our one family pic...found a rock to use the camera timer on. We were the ONLY ONES THERE...so we had no options for all of us to be in a picture except this shot.

 It's hard to see how precarious this rock was that I'm on.

It's like Utah's own little Easter Island.

This looks so much like a great and spacious building to me!

Such a gorgeous setting to camp in.

The backdrop to our campsite

Hoodooville!

This was taken at sunrise with the light shining on the face of the rocks unlike all the others which were taken at dusk.

Kids spanning the rocks in Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

My boys. This riverbed was flooded not too long ago in the recent rains...and of course the slots were carved by water over eons.

My family

Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon...my little Bunch is scrambling up to join me.

Bunch taking a break on the Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon hike 

Path through Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

Classic Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon scene 

Hiking through Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

Pretty spectacular hiking in Arches National Park

Kids checking out some of the CRYPTOBIOTIC SOIL that you mustn't disturb!

The Fam

Double Arch in Arches National Park

Arches National Park. I just held the camera out the window whilst driving.

Boundaries

Hi internet buddies!


I've decided to write a series of posts on some of the things I'm learning right now, because I have no idea who else might benefit from them, but I know that they're exceptionally important concepts, and since I'm paying lots of money to acquire this knowledge, I thought I'd pass it along to, you know, SHARE THE LOVE. 


As I mentioned in my last post, I've been wading through depression the past few months. In response to this, I finally found a therapist to work with, and she has been amazing at teaching me things that I, as it turns out, really didn't understand or know much about. Which begs the question, what was I paying all those other therapists for all those years? Because I can tell you one thing, I don't just sit there talking about my past. It's like I'm enrolled in a course that is filling my mind with new insights and truths at every appointment.


During my first appointment, my therapist asked me to go get the book Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine, and to read it with a high-lighter in hand, noting anything that stood out for me.  So I did.  And then I wondered how I managed to get this far in life without hearing about the whole concept of boundaries anywhere along the way. Why don't they teach this in school?!


Having nicked just the very surface of this concept, I'm now convinced that the ability to establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries is FOUNDATIONAL...that it's the base of the whole pyramid of every relationship we have in life.  Without them, nothing else works very well.  


So even though having me read a book on boundaries seemed like an odd request in the moment, I realized later that it was the perfect place to start.  After finishing the book, I spent hours doing research online to further my understanding of this elemental topic...because really, everything else rests upon this concept. 


So if you want to learn about how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, or if you don't have any idea what that even means, find a book (there are any number of them...check your library or search a bookstore), or go online and start doing some reading.  Within a few hours, you will have  a much stronger understanding of the role healthy boundaries play in all human interactions, and can start improving this aspect of your life.  


Here are some of the links I read, but there are tons if you do an online search.

• Setting Healthy Boundaries: Allowing the True Self to Emerge 
• Boundaries in the Family
• Do You Need Help in Understanding Boundaries? (Why, yes. Yes I do.)
• Establish Boundaries That Honor You
• How Good Are Your Personal Boundaries? (a free online quiz)

A search on any variation of the terms "healthy boundaries" "establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries" etc. will return an endless supply. Once you're familiar with this concept, you'll be able to start changing how some of the less-healthy relationships in your life operate. 

Next up: The Drama Triangle.