Got Butter?

Two decades ago in a geography class of all places, I had my first taste of English Toffee. One of my classmates was giving a presentation about England, and she'd made up a batch to pass around the room for us to sample.
I nearly died.
It was that amazing! I felt that kind of desperate feeling you get, when you really want more of something, but it would be awkward of you to take it, meanwhile you're so obsessed and preoccupied that you almost don't even care. You're nearly willing to alienate yourself from all your friends and become a social outcast, just because you Must Have More.
That's how I felt as the bowl of toffee made it's way around the room. I'd taken my piece and passed it along, but after eating it, it took all my willpower to not jump out of my seat, grab the bowl, and run cackling out of the room with my prize. I'd never be able to set foot in the classroom again, and of course I'd flunk out. But who cares? I got The Toffee!!!
Thankfully, I didn't follow my primal instinct. Instead, I casually asked the classmate afterwards where she'd gotten it.

"I made it. It's super easy", she told me. And right there on the spot she rattled off the recipe and instructions that would change everything.

And now, fair reader, I am going to share this recipe with you. My classmate was right, it is super easy. And if you've got butter, real butter, not that fakey stuff, then you're almost there. All you need for the base toffee are three ingredients:

1 C. Butter1 C. Sugar (granulated, not brown. Even though that may seem counter-intuitive. We're going to turn it brown though. Patience!)
3 T. Water
Step 1:
In a heavy saucepan over high heat, pour the sugar in and warm it for just a moment. I don't know why you should do this...and frankly it's probably not important. In fact, if you wait too long, the sugar will start to melt and turn into a hard glob. Take my word for it. So, if you do decide to follow this step (and I'm just passing on the instructions as they were given to me, you're free to choose of course), I recommend dumping it in, stirring with a wooden spoon for just a moment, and then move on to the next step.

Step 2:
Add the water to the warmed (or not) sugar and stir to wet all the sugar. You might be thinking that 3 T of water isn't enough to wet a whole cup of sugar, but you would be wrong. It's plenty. And in case you are wondering, T is cooking lingo for "tablespoon"...as opposed to the lesser teaspoon. Stir it up till the sugar is all wetted. That's a word, right?

Step 3:
Dump the butter (that REAL butter!) into the pot and start stirring. It's best if you have the butter already unwrapped and ready to just dump, because this recipe is one where there's no time to mess around. From the moment you start, you move along at a fast clip, and success comes to those who were prepared to succeed before they started. You are one of those people. I know.

Step 4:
Stir. Stir some more. Keep stirring. Make sure you don't stop stirring. You're going stir crazy. You're obsessed with watching the buttery, sugary concoction bubble and froth away as you stir maniacally and thoroughly around your pot. You make sure to stir all the edges, and also the center. You keep stirring and stirring your brew, and after a few minutes (perhaps 5?) you start to notice that it's changing color now.

This is exciting to you. It's actually starting to look like toffee! You are encouraged and keep up the stirring. It may seem like you've been stirring since ancient man first discovered fire, but actually the entire process so far has lasted less than 10 minutes. About now, the mixture has turned that toffee color that you have dreamt about...like the insides of those Score candy bars that you sometimes buy and eat in secret. Almost the color of some old copper pennies. Just when you are wondering if it's done, you look carefully and notice that there are a couple wisps of smoke rising from the toffee. At this precise moment, you move on to Step 5.

EDIT: I've now made this in a different, less-awesome pot that conducted heat poorly, and noticed that it was smoking a little sooner than it does in my AWESOME pot, so just be aware of the COLOR, and if it's smoking too soon, you might need to reduce the heat a titch.  Just make sure it's the color of toffee...like a Heath Bar.

Step 5:
Quickly, remove the toffee from the heat and pour it onto a sheet to cool. Spread the mixture as fast as you can, because it cools REALLY fast! You could use a smaller pan, say 9x9, lined with parchment paper for easy removal. This would make the toffee thicker, but supply you with fewer pieces of candy when all is said and done. Depends on why you're making this, and if you intend to share any of it, or just hide in your closet with it.

Step 6:
After about 30 seconds, sprinkle some chocolate chips all over the surface of the toffee. That is if you haven't eaten all the chocolate chips during one of your midnight candy binges...when all the kid's Halloween, Easter, Valentines and Christmas candy was already gone and you had no other recourse. Rest assured, this recipe will forever ameliorate your quest for sweets in the middle of the night. As long as you've Got Butter on hand. Because you always have white sugar, of course. Or you should. From now on you will be watching the grocery store fliers to see when they have sales on butter, and whenever its going at 3 for $5.00 you'll stock up. Because for every box of butter, you can make 2 batches of this amazing toffee.

Back to the chocolate. Now this step, I admit, can be skipped if you're out of chocolate. But it's better with the chocolate, because lets face it, everything is. My slogan for these many years has been:

Chocolate. It's not just for breakfast any more.

But enough about me. After sprinkling the chocolate chips over the boiling hot toffee which has set up for about 30 seconds (just long enough to support the weight of the chips), they will begin to soften. After about 2 minutes, they will be melted enough that you can take a spatula and spread the melted chocolate chips over the entire surface of your toffee. 

Step 7: Then, if you like and you're even more prepared (good things come to those who are prepared), you can sprinkle some (toasted or un) sliced almonds on the chocolate and wait for all of this to cool to room temperature. I've been known to put it in the freezer to speed this part along. Yes, sometimes I'm that desperate.

If I don't have sliced almonds, I've been known to use chopped or slivered almonds, or even toasted walnuts or pecans. A quick spin through my little food chopper makes them nice, and they add just the perfect amount of crunch and yummy nuttiness. And nuts like me loved that nuttiness.

In the purest sense, this probably isn't English Toffee. I have a friend from the United Kingdom of Great Britain who disputed my claim that I'd made English Toffee. "It's nothing of the sort!" he claimed. But whatever it may be, it's scrumdiddilyumptious! You can make variations on this concoction to suit yourself. Once I topped it with toasted coconut and M&Ms. Sprinkle whatever floats your boat at the time on it.

After it's cooled down, you break it into pieces and consume. If you're giving it away, and you're looking for more PPB*, you might want to make it thinner. If that's not a concern (remember the closet!), thick is quite lovely.

For years this is how I made the toffee. But last Christmas I branched out a bit and was quite pleased with the variation. Moments before the toffee was done cooking, I dumped in a cup of almonds and stirred the mixture up to coat them before pouring them onto the parchment paper. I made this batch thicker so that the nuts were contained within the mixture. Once cooled, I dipped the thicker pieces into melted chocolate, then rolled them in chopped almond pieces. This was utter ecstasy. Waaaay better than Almond Roca™

This toffee has been a hit no matter where I have taken it. From start to finish, it takes me about 10 minutes to make...plus cooling time. So when you remember that you have a party in half an hour and have completely forgotten to prepare something to contribute, this is a classy, welcome addition that the hostess will praise you up and down for bringing. She'll also siphon off half the platter and hide it in her underwear drawer to eat after the guest have all gone. This toffee has won friends and influenced people, has convinced more than one man to propose marriage, and is well on its way to creating world piece. It's so good that if you took pieces of toffee and sprinkled bits of toffee on top, you could probably travel back in time. It's like a tasty vortex. (Yes, it's even better than bacon!)

So go get some butter and make this toffee. You can thank me later (toffee will do quite nicely, thanks!)

*Pieces Per Batch

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And now, for those of you who, like me, fare MUCH better when you have visuals,
I have photo-documented the
Making Of A Batch.
Photo credits mostly go to my brother, MM, because I'm not dexterous enough to cook AND photograph things at the same time. I'm just the standard, base-model person. I didn't come with any genetic or manufactured upgrades. I'm not the show-model prototype. This should give you comfort, because if I can do it, so can you!

Here is the complete ensemble for ourDeluxe English Toffee Recipe

Note: You do NOT need a 50 pound sack of sugar to make toffee. But if you had that much, and equal amounts of butter, you could feed a small nation quite happily on toffee for many months. They'd probably make you their queen. Or king. Or deify you in some manner. But I've heard that deification can be painful. I digress.
Okay, Here we go.
Remember that whole part about being prepared?
Well, here's your chance.
Before you start cooking, chop the nuts up.
If you have nuts (and I'm talking about almonds here,
as they are most ideally suited).
And if you actually want nuts.
You can certainly forgo nuts with this recipe in a pinch.

Here are some almonds in my food chopper:

This is them 5 seconds later. I love my little food chopper!
(Especially when it comes to chopping onions.
But we don't need onions in our toffee,
cause that would be six kinds of nastiness!)

Here are the bare minimum ingredients necessary

to make yourself that midnight treat you're desperate for.
Note--this rendition would be nut and chocolate free,
suitable for those poor unfortunate souls
who have nut and chocolate allergies.
And can you think of anything more
cruel and unfair than being allergic to chocolate?
I submit that you cannot!

Now, after warming the sugar (or not), dump in the water.
Stir it up:

Add the butter:

Start Stirring. The butter is quickly melted:

You keep stirring and it keeps bubbling and toffeeizing.
Cause that's what's happening here folks.
You're making toffee. It's almost miraculous!

You've stirred and gotten it to the color of toffee, and watched carefully to see those wisps of smoke rising off it. The lighting makes it look like it got lighter in the next picture, but I promise that it did not. I'm sorry about that. It's my lack of photography and editing skills. And I should add here that whenever I write the word "wisps", it takes all my willpower to not add an "h", as in whisps, because that word just begs to have an H in it. It makes it so much more "whispier". Like a whisper. It's whispful and whonderful.
And smoke just seems like it would whisp.
I'm done now.
So here I am pouring it onto the pan
that I had waiting for the boiling hot mixture.
Do Not Attempt To Sample At This Point!!!
(Trust me on this one.) (And don't ask questions.)

NOTICE HOW IT DARKENS UP AS IT COOLS!

Here's where you can employ those surplus
stores of creativity you've been saving up.
On a whim (see, whim gets an H!),
I opted to sprinkle some nuts Right On The Toffee.
Cause you're allowed.

Next I sprinkle chocolate chips all over.

A minute later, they're soft and spreadable.

Since there is no such thing as too many nuts, I add more. More Nuts!

Confession time. I got impatient. It's true. No really.
So I put it in the freezer to speed up the cooling process.
Once it was cool, I took it out, and then just broke it into pieces.
You can make the pieces as big or small as you like.
But no matter what, congratulate yourself!
You've just made a batch of Scrumdiddilyumptious English Toffee!
Consume until sated.

The End.