How It Went

Hi guys!

Okay, I think a little background info is in order before following up on my last post.  

As I've mentioned before, it's been years since I cut off contact with my parents.  Five, in fact.  

At that time I wasn't sure how long it might be. I didn't really have a plan, I just knew that for my own sanity, I needed some distance and time to heal from the abuse and neglect of my childhood, and that just wasn't happening as long as they were in the picture. I tried to be nice about it, but really, there's no way something like that doesn't hurt. And I hate hurting people.

A year later I checked in with my mother while she was visiting a friend who lives near me. I told her I still wasn't ready to resume contact. 

Another year passed and that's when I confronted my father (as I wrote about and linked to in my previous post).  That was three years ago.  

I described part of my journey to this point in a talk I gave this past April, which explains how I was able to get to the point I was at last Christmas Eve, when I sent them a long email, the heart of which was to tell them: 

I’ve been working hard and praying hard, and I want you to know that I forgive you both for the things that you did, and didn’t do, which have caused me pain.  I know you are both good-hearted people with good intentions. We kids were a handful and you did what you could, and some things you couldn’t do, but we all at least survived, and I’m grateful for what I’ve learned so far in my life.  I really am."

So again, I want you to know that I do forgive you, and I’ve been praying for you both, but unfortunately I’m still very uncomfortable about having you in my life. And I’m sorry about that, but it’s just where I’m at.

Which brings us up to this past Saturday when my father called.

Since you're probably curious to know, I will tell you that overall, dinner went pretty well. I was noticeably quieter than usual; not really comfortable, but trying to be pleasant. But my typically reserved, "back row kind of guy" husband really stepped up to the plate and was conversant, engaging and sociable.  My sweet girl was her cheery, normal self. And even Gator, who didn't really want to go, also did just fine. It all made me feel so supported, thankful for, and in love with my little family! (And then I came home and had several lovely notes of support from my bloggy friends.  Imy bloggy friends!  Thanks for the notes and emails!)

As we were leaving the restaurant my father asked if there was a time we could talk before they left town. I didn't have my calendar on me, so I told him I'd call and let him know.  (By the way: Did you know that buying yourself a little time in situations like this is actually part of having healthy boundaries? I didn't realize that until my therapist mentioned it yesterday.)

I can't say I actually wanted to meet again, but I felt like I should at least make an effort to hear what he wanted to say.  So I called Sunday night and arranged to meet for breakfast on Monday morning.  At the last moment, my mother asked if it was okay to bring my brother Davis along.  "ABSOLUTELY!"  (SO glad I didn't have to do it alone!)

We met at IHOP and after a few minutes of chitchat my dad dove in.  I wasn't sure if he was going to announce that he was terminally ill and had just weeks to live, or what.  But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that really, it was just about the family stuff.

One thing they were both a bit confused about was how come things aren't better between us, since I've supposedly forgiven them.  We (Davis and I) had to explain that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.  And honestly, I don't think that he EVER realized this before.  I could see the dawning of understanding in his eyes as we explained this concept to him.  Forgiving him didn't mean we trusted them, or felt comfortable being with them.  

I should have used the example (but I didn't think of it at the moment) of Sigfried and Roy, who had the most visited show in Las Vegas, until one night during a performance, Roy was bitten on the neck by a seven-year-old male tiger named Montecore, and dragged off the stage. He suffered severe blood loss, a stroke and partial paralysis and has spent years in rehabilitation.

These men loved that tiger. They'd raised him from a cub and spent time with him every day of his life. But this event changed their relationship forever.  They could forgive the tiger (if you'll excuse the example of forgiving an animal...this is a metaphor after all), they could even still love the tiger, but the trust they once had was shattered, and their show had to be permanently cancelled.  

Sometimes when things are serious enough, trust won't ever be restored 100%--at least in this life. My parents have a long way to go before I will be in a position to really trust them again. 

The other really big thing was explaining to my father that we think he has very high-functioning Asperger's, or something along those lines (my totally unprofessional diagnosis)...because he has always had a massive blind spot that he doesn't even realize is there when it comes to social issues and how interpersonal relationships work.  This was totally news to him, but all three of us insisted unanimously that it's true.

It was like trying to explain to someone that can't see the color red that there's this whole part of the spectrum that most of us are aware of, but that they didn't know existed. And we didn't realize he couldn't see it all this time, but we're starting to put the pieces together. 

So now, having had this brought to his attention, perhaps he can do some research and gain some knowledge about the matter that might make it easier for him and those around him in the future.  He just really doesn't understand how some human interactions work, and that is part of the problem (though it doesn't account for his uncontrolled temper, which thing never really did change even after the sexual abuse stopped. Discussing this part may help him be aware of why we're uncomfortable even now.) 

I can't honestly recreate much of our breakfast conversation WHICH LASTED FOUR HOURS, (made sure he left the poor, underpaid waitress a really big tip), but ultimately I feel like there was some movement for all of us I think, and over all it was probably a good thing that we had the talk. I agreed to allow limited email communication, and I was able to say some things that I probably needed to say.  

I know I don't have all the answers about this whole matter of healing and forgiving deep wounds. I'm no expert, but I DO I feel like I'm being led along, tweaked and turned in ways that will ultimately help in the (in-depth, never-ending, intensive) refining process, and I’m just trying to be humble enough to let myself be helped if possible. I share my journey here in case it might in some small way help another in their own life.

I really do hope that my parents can continue to learn and progress so that things can really improve for them.  It kind of seemed like they were still hyper-focused on me, and trying to get me to change so that things would be "all better" in our family.  I may have imagined it, but it felt like maybe they realized there were things that they still need to do and CAN do on their end.  So that gave me hope.

Thanks again for the support during this experience. It means a lot to me!

xoxo,

Blue

PS: I really will be getting to the promised Drama Triangle.  Soon!

Mini Vacation

I know yesterday I said I'd be discussing The Drama Triangle next, but I interrupt your programming with a little side post.


This week we took the kids out of school for a day and went camping in Goblin Valley, hiking through Little Wild Horse slot canyon, and visited Arches National Park again.  And seriously, I have to say, If there's a state with more amazing natural beauty than Utah, I want to hear about it.  


Since I'm the "keeper of the photos", I decided to post some here for my family so they can see them.  Good memories!

Gator climbed up on the rocks behind our campsite

Goblin Valley -- we had it all to ourselves.

Our one family pic...found a rock to use the camera timer on. We were the ONLY ONES THERE...so we had no options for all of us to be in a picture except this shot.

 It's hard to see how precarious this rock was that I'm on.

It's like Utah's own little Easter Island.

This looks so much like a great and spacious building to me!

Such a gorgeous setting to camp in.

The backdrop to our campsite

Hoodooville!

This was taken at sunrise with the light shining on the face of the rocks unlike all the others which were taken at dusk.

Kids spanning the rocks in Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

My boys. This riverbed was flooded not too long ago in the recent rains...and of course the slots were carved by water over eons.

My family

Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon...my little Bunch is scrambling up to join me.

Bunch taking a break on the Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon hike 

Path through Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

Classic Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon scene 

Hiking through Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

Pretty spectacular hiking in Arches National Park

Kids checking out some of the CRYPTOBIOTIC SOIL that you mustn't disturb!

The Fam

Double Arch in Arches National Park

Arches National Park. I just held the camera out the window whilst driving.

Movies

As they mature, we're enjoying watching movies from the past 25 years or so with Bunch and Gator.  Shows that came out before they were born, or that they were too young to enjoy when we first saw them.  


I've been asked if I could share our list, so I decided to put it on here and solicit additions.  Are there any we've forgotten that you think we should consider? (Note: some shows might not be listed because they've seen them already, eg: Star Wars, Pirates OTC, Harry Potter, LOTR, etc, but feel free to suggest any favorites we might have overlooked.)  Our library has most movies in their system, and we have been taking advantage of their free week-long rentals.

Apollo 13
Forest Gump
What Dreams May Come
Sleepless in Seattle
While You Were Sleeping
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
The Truman Show
Edward Scissorhands
Princess Bride
Groundhog Day
What About Bob
Big
Ever After
Return To Me
Empire of the Sun
Man From Snowy River
Cast Away
The Karate Kid movies
Adventures in Babysitting
Back to the Future movies
Ghost Busters
Mrs. Doubtfire
The Scarlett Pimpernell


Some movies are still a bit mature or scary for our kids, but  we'll watch with them when they're a bit older:
~~~~~~~~~
City of Angels
The Mission
Pay It Forward
Sixth Sense

Grateful for:
1) Family time
2) Good entertainment
3) The big tv and comfy couch that make these times so much nicer!

Arches

Pictures of our trip to Arches National Park this past weekend. It was simply amazing! If you haven't been, do yourself a solid and put it on your bucket list. I'll definitely be going back.

Grateful for:
1) Safe drive in a comfortable car.
2) My bed, after sleeping in a tent last night! :-)
3) Inspiring scenes. This place was beyond beautiful.

Ordinary Days

The video clip below sums up perfectly how I've been feeling lately. Life has seemed like an engorged river, rushing swiftly by, leaving only a light mist in it's wake, which evaporates too quickly for me to savor the moments.

January tends to always be a quiet month for me...I get introspective and draw into myself more, as I wait for the brightness of spring to return.

January is also an expensive month, when healthcare deductibles get reset. I always manage forget about that aspect of the new year, until I'm at the doctor and realize we'll be paying for everything out-of-pocket till we hit our annual OOP max. Ouch!

This month I have been working a bit more to try and earn a little extra money. We are coming down to the end of the medical school journey. Doc finished up his last interviews this week, and is about to start up a new rotation next week. The kids are back in school with all their activities and commitments pulling them in other directions. And I am trying to juggle our four schedules, with less success less than I'd prefer in the "being there for my family" department.

While I was working this week, I missed Bunch's first orchestra performance...which I didn't know about till recently. Happily, Doc was able to go, and said "the whole experience was so beautiful it moved me to tears." Which didn't help me feel any better about not being there, and also reminded me that I have yet to hear her perform on her viola. Her recital last year was rescheduled after I had it on the calendar and had planned around the original date...but it was too late for me to change my work schedule so I missed it.

These kinds of things cause me pain of the "mommy sort". I know that childhood won't last forever, and I feel somewhat helpless in my inability to do it all. There are always going to be Good, Better, and Best choices in life. Work is Good, and maybe even Better, but the time with my family is always going to be Best. I hope I can become better at juggling, or maybe I just need to find a different job. (but I love mine so!)


Grateful for:
1) The poignant reminders in this video clip (thanks Keri!)
2) Being a mom
2) The love and support of those around me (this week's heroes are Shelah, Jean & Doc)

Sledding

If there was ever a more perfect day for sledding than today, I haven't been alive to witness it. For the first time, we all had sleds so no waiting around to use one, and the hill was perfect. Great times with my sweet little family.

(btw, that's my sister in the photos. I have not dyed my hair blond!)

These I Love

It's been almost five years since we had a family picture taken, which is really odd since we have two professional and quite a few amateur photographers in the family, to say nothing of all our friends who do photography. But we finally got around to it and had a shot done at my in-laws house a week ago. I ♥ these people!

Miraculous (An Introspection)

They are miraculous, these children of mine.

Each arrived with a unique personality, special gifts and abilities, and challenges.
Sometimes I look at them and marvel at their lives,
wonder at what is in store for them,
just like myriad other parents who love their miraculous kids do.

As parents we try so hard to teach our children,
and arm them with skills and knowledge,
to help them avoid all the heartache, pain, suffering and disappointment possible.
But we can’t prevent these things from touching their lives.
There is no such thing as a life without hard times.

So I wonder, always, what challenges will my sweet children experience?
What will they endure down the road?
What are they enduring right now,
and how can I help them?

There is no way to stop the onslaught.
Hearts will ache, bonds will break, chances and opportunities will come and go.
Then there are the vices.
Will the gripping hold of addiction be their plague?
…whether it be alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, pornography, immorality, or some other hellacious pit that relentlessly clings to its captives.
Will mental, eating, or other disorders
infiltrate their minds and color their perceptions?
How about relationship issues?
Will they marry and live (essentially) happily ever after?
Struggle to find their soul mate
Wade through the impact of divorce?
Will children come to them easily,
or not at all?
Will poverty follow them, will they have difficulty making their way in the world?
Will they be victims of crime, or serious accidents, illness or injuries?
Will they suffer abuse of any sort?
What about materialism? Will they be able to resist the lure and allure of things?
Will life be essentially peaceful?
Or will war, invasion and terror
be the hallmark of their days ~
like it is for so many.

With the list of possible challenges stretching off into the horizon,
it would be easy to just focus on this moment,
and react to the demands of today
(Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof).
Or to feel hopeless,
unequal to the task of successfully raising
these children ‘o mine.

But I’m not.

I'm optimistic.
And like countless other committed parents,
I am trying to arm them with the tools and skills they’ll need
in order to navigate the challenges that will come,
the ones that are here today,
and those just around the bend.
Trying to teach them to handle the ebb and flow of life
with faith, honesty, steadiness, and humility
to keep their wits about them
as they continue achieving, excelling and finding joy
in daily life,
even while dealing with problems.

It’s not easy.
Sometimes I feel like I’m walking in a dark tunnel,
with no light shining up ahead,
and only the faint glow of past experience glimmering behind me,
reminding me that there is further light to be found.

But every now and then, I lift my sights and see another parent,
who has traveled this route before.
Whose children are just a little bit further down the road of life.
And I notice how they’re doing it, how they’ve handled things.
Things I haven’t even begun to experience yet.

I observe the wisdom they’ve incorporated into their parenting journey,
and take notes to file away for when I am in a similar situation.

Wise parents seem to have mastered the patience needed
to allow the chrysalis-esque process
of transforming from child to teen to adult
to happen,
without meddling in a way that would damage
the fragile new creature about to spread it's wings.

It’s a fine line, this meddling or interfering.
But when the process is complete, do they sit in awe
and wonder
at the remarkable creature before them?
So different yet so familiar to the one they brought into the world
seemingly yesterday?

We try our best to arm our sweet children.
Teach them who they are, why they’re special, why they’re here.
I know no matter what I do,
I’ll never prevent them from learning things through hard experiences.
And it almost seems like an ironic twist
that sometimes the things we try hardest to prevent
or most want to avoid,
find a way to affect our lives.

So more than anything else,
I hope my sweet children learn
that no matter what
I love them.
No matter the mistake, heartache, failing, or problem,
I love them.
No matter what
I’m on their team.

And they can get through anything.
And they’ll be better, stronger, more imitable and happier people
for enduring well.
They can lean on me,
they can lean on their dad,
they can lean on each other
and their friends and loved ones,
but most of all I hope they lean on their God.

I know He’ll lead them back to Him if they’ll let Him,
and I hope I’m there when they arrive.

Nieces

Great News! I just received official word that I have won the Most Darling Nieces In The World Competition!

I don't know why it took the judges this long to pick a winner, because just look at them. Have you ever seen a sweeter group of girls? I submit that you have not. At least not that were all my nieces.

The official prize package includes not only fabulous times and abundant cuteness whenever we're together, but happy memories when we're not. Bonus hijinks, shenanigans and capers are also part of the deal!

With such a great bunch of girls to hang out with, cousin time is a blast...especially for Bunch. She adores them all, and so do I. It's so fun to watch them with each other. This summer the four that live out east were here for a good, long visit. Bonding took place and memories were created. Now if we could just have more time with the Hawaiian niece (preferably on-site!), life would be about as close to perfect as you can possibly get!

Photo credits go to Mish & Kuhswimb...I shamelessly pilfered them so as not to reinvent the wheel!

Father's Day

Last week was Father's Day. To honor the great father I'm married to, we made Doc a special foods throughout the day. For breakfast, he was presented with a yummy smoothie. He enjoyed his daily special for lunch (PB&J on nutty, seedy, whole grain bread). And then for dinner, I went out on a limb and decided to try my hand at seafood.

I don't eat seafood. Throughout my life I've tried many different kinds, but none of it has ever been a hit with me no matter how I've tried to make it work. But Doc loves salmon, as does Bunch. So in his honor, I broke out the grill (to avoid heating up the house), got the salmon marinading, and with the aid of Google, I found a recipe for grilling salmon. The recipe said to cook the fish on each side for 7 minutes. So I put it flesh-side down on the grill, and then went inside to whip up a quick salad.

Five minutes later, I went to check on the fish only to discover that it was completely char broiled. We're talking a thick, black crust of char on the flesh side.

I burst into tears over my lack of domestic prowess. Oh the irony that once upon a time I was offered a million dollar contract to be a co-host on a cooking show. But I digress. Someday I'll write about that adventure. For now, I just put the charbroiled fish on a plate and carried it inside. There I discovered that the skin side easily pealed away, revealing what appeared to be a nicely cooked piece of salmon, but which I figured probably tasted like charcoal.

About this time Doc wandered into the kitchen and saw the tears and the fish. "I was trying to make you a special meal" I told him in defeat.

He picked up a fork, tasted it and declared it delicious. "I'll just eat down to the blackened part" he said "It's kind of like a skin on the other side".

Drying my tears, I suspected he was just trying to make me feel better, except that Bunch also said it was delicious...and they both ate every last nibblette of the stuff. It's times like this that I'm so grateful to have such a sweet, supportive, forgiving man in my life. He's the best!

For gifts, we gave Doc some European chocolate and a long over due new pillow. If you're the squeamish type you should probably skip this paragraph, because I'm sure the old one was by now about 98% dustmite. This dustmite wad was contained in a stained, ratty old case. We'd like to thank Ikea for selling affordable flat pillows!

Since this week was Doc's big exam, he was really under the gun, and wasn't able to join us on Monday when we got together with the rest of the family here to celebrate. We met at a park and had a picnic followed by a great family game of kickball. I don't think I've played kickball in 30 years, but it was a lot of fun because of my cool family members. Doc's brothers, our nephew and his friend, and Doc's parents and our sisters-in-law, plus all the grandkids here had a great evening together. I love living close enough to them for days like this. ♥

Chillin' with the fam

Cuteheads

Crazy Cousins

This post was brought to you by the letter L, and by the number 3

Mom

Twenty years ago today, I pulled into the driveway of the house Doc grew up in with our friend The Strump Man, aka Kwis.

I had just finished up my 1st year of college. Doc and I were deep deep in love, and had planned for me to travel to his home town in Chicagoland to meet his family. He would be leaving in a couple months for a two-year mission in Argentina, and we were angling to spend as much time as possible together.

His family knew I was coming of course, but they weren't expecting us till later the next day. Kwis and I had thought we'd need to take more breaks, but ended up just burning rubber for two straight days. We got to their hometown at about 9:15 pm on April 21st...which happened to be Doc's mom's birthday.

My first thought when we pulled into the driveway was that the house was absolutely enchanting! It was a beautiful English Tudor, with a long, graceful lawn stretching out before it. Doc hadn't ever described his home...in fact when he'd visited mine (which was a study in contrasts compared to his), he'd said it was "about the same as his". I'm sure he meant to be kind and put me at ease...or maybe he was just so blinded by love, so bedazzled by the force of my overpowering beauty, that he just didn't notice the surroundings I grew up in. (If you're taking bets, I'd put yer money on the first option.)

Kwis and I got out of the car and paused in the dark. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. Doc's parents had purchased him a round-trip flight when he'd flown out to college, and his return flight wasn't till the next day. So I would be meeting the family without him present (!) You must realize that I fully expected these people to be my future in-laws at the time. Needless-to-say, I was grateful Kwis was there.

We rang the doorbell, and within a moment I watched through the glass as a couple of cute, squirrelly little boys and a delicate, pretty young woman appeared in the foyer, followed by the most beautiful mom in a bathrobe you've ever seen. She just looked angelic to me.

For a moment, I felt bad arriving right before bedtime. Maybe we should have slept at a rest stop I thought. But then the door opened, and the warmest welcome of my life was extended. My nerves were quickly forgotten as Doc's mom pulled me into a big hug and said, "Oh! This is the best birthday present I've ever received...a new daughter!"

A pause is in order here, because as any regular readers of my blog might have gleaned, I'd kind of been "up for adoption" for as long as I could remember. I wasn't really accustomed to, nor was I expecting such complete acceptance when first meeting these people. But mom singlehandedly made me feel so welcome, so much a part of the family, that it quickly felt like I'd known them forever. Twenty years ago today is still among the very happiest moments of my life. It was a significant turning point for one very lucky little jeul.

This past Saturday, we got together with the family to celebrate mom's birthday. Those cute, squirrelly boys are not so little anymore, and they have cute, squirrelly little kids of their own now, as does the lovely young woman. It was such a joy to be with these dear, dear people who have become my tribe. And for twenty years, in concert with dad, mom has stood at the head of that tribe, nourishing, guiding, loving, serving, mom-ee-ing and leading each of us blessed enough to have found ourself counted among her people. She also feeds us yummy food all the time!

Here are twenty random shots from our fun afternoon picnic in the park to celebrate the past 20 years of my life with you as my mom. I don't know how I managed before you! Happy Birthday today, and may you have 40 great ones more! I♥you!