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Yesterday I had a guest post at a popular blog called Segullah. A friend of mine had asked me to let her post an edited version of a story I had written a while back, entitled "The Ugliest Girl In The World".

For the past almost 3 months, my blog traffic dropped precipitously, which was to be expected considering I hadn't posted anything new. But yesterday I had a couple hundred visitors to my blog, all of whom arrived here from the post at Segullah.

I found it interesting that the main page visited by these visitors was my profile picture. More people clicked that page than any other page on my blog. I understand that the title of my essay would naturally generate interest in my looks, and as there was no photograph attached, interested parties had to click over to my blog to see what I actually look like.

This observation has given me a moment of reflection. In theory we don't believe in labeling others. But experientially what do we believe? Do we feel better about negative labels if they are justified?

I hope that the experience I shared helps people to take advantage of opportunities to be kind. These opportunities happen every day, and they are one of the best ways to experience joy in our lives. Have you had a moment recently that you'd like to share here?

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Is this thing on???

I know it's been a long hiatus since I last wrote. I just wanted to let you know that one of my resolutions for the new year was to start writing again, which may seem like no big deal, but it is. I had a big setback a few months ago, and am working through it still, but this blog was one of the best things in my life, and my readers were also one of the highlights in my life. I've really missed it. It's just been a hard few months.

So I wanted you to know that I will be starting to write again, and if anyone is still reading this, thanks for hanging in there with me.

Wishing you the very finest of days...
~Blue

Posted

I started this blog, as mentioned in my profile, as an effort to make sense of my past and document my present, one post at a time.

For the present moment, I'm going to have to take a break from writing here. I'm so grateful for all those who have been with me for so long. You can contact me via email if you like. I hope I can resume soon.

Very best,

Blue

Run Blue, Run!

…er, maybe that should be lurch, shuffle, stagger, stumble, teeter, totter, waver, wobble, creep, scoot, skip, hop, gallop, and limp, Blue. Still, I’m going with Run.

So I flew out Saturday afternoon and The Jonnie greeted me like some domestic diva with enough food to feed a small village. Lasagna, angle hair pasta with sauce made fresh from the tomatoes in her garden, steamed vegetables, a salad with about 67 ingredients in it, garlic seasoned bagels, baguette. It was truly a feast. I could hardly dent it.

After a restless nights’ sleep, in which I dreamed that during the race I realized I’d forgotten my running shoes as well as my bib, I woke up tired, but looking forward to the moment I’ve been preparing so many months for. We got to the venue, parked, and made our way to the corals.

I should comment here that I had very high hopes. After giving my knee a rest all week, I figured I’d at least get a few miles in before the ITB Syndrome caught up with me and forced me to walk a bit. I guessed at worst, I’d only be able to run about 3 or 4 miles, with secret hopes that it’d be more along the lines of at least 8. That is what I was realistically hoping for. My fantasy was that I’d be able to run the entire 13.1 miles without any kind of serious injury or pain.

But apparently it wasn’t meant to be. We started out in the crush of over eighteen thousand runners, which The Jonnie referred to as “being in a mosh pit”, just walking along till things started to thin out a bit. Before we’d even reached mile 1, I noticed there was some discomfort on the outside of my right knee. I enjoyed another mile or so of complete denial…thinking that it was just warming up and would go away. But by the 3^rd mile, I had a sinking feeling that this too, wasn’t going to pass. I prayed a lot in my head this whole time, hoping for a miracle. I was limping along hoping there’d be a first aid station soon, but by the mile 5 water station the pain was pretty acute with no first aid in sight. I asked them if there was anywhere I could get some Advil, and a lovely volunteer named Tiffany working the water table gave me some from her personal cache…which I was very very grateful for. It probably enabled me to carry on.

Mile 9 was where we encountered the First Aid station. They taped my leg up…which also made a slight difference in the pain, and I limped along our merry way, inspired by the drugs and knee tape and the gorgeous ocean, birds, and other runners to skedaddle as fast as my little knee would let me. 10, 11, 12 and all too soon, 13 miles passed. I couldn’t believe how fast the whole thing went! Factoring in potty breaks, medical stops and water stops, and considering the pain I felt with every step, I didn’t fare too badly. We crossed the finish line when the official clock said 3:06. So I walkedskippedgallopedhobbledlimpedandbumbled my way over 13 miles in less than 3 hours. Physically I felt great. My lungs and heart could have gone another 13, but my knee is protesting with every step now.

The weather must have been special ordered, because it was simply perfect. No clouds, no wind, cool temps, and the sun low on the horizon. The Long Beach Marathon has to be one of the prettiest races anywhere. It starts out downtown on the shore, takes you up and around the Queen Mary, and wraps back around Shoreline Village, then down the coast along the beach. The split for the half/whole marathon takes the 26.2 runners over to the Cal State Long Beach campus, and then back to the finish line on the shore where we started.

It was so exhilarating to be there! I kept feeling amazed with how many people were behind us…even people who seemed to be running. I tried my best to speed walk and scurry as fast as I could manage so that The Jonnie could at least jog slowly. I know it’s kind of a strain to reign in when your body really wants to go faster. But she never once complained about my injury or pitiful speed. She stayed with me the entire time, and it was a joy to experience my first race with her by my side.

I was frustrated by my inability to run…I mean, really disappointed. I’d love to be in a race someday where I could actually go! It was inspiring to be there with so many people from every walk of life. And I confess, I got choked up by the event just like I do when I watch races. I’m not sure exactly why, but it just does something to me to see so many people running. Thank goodness for sunglasses!

Picture Day

Today was school picture day for the kids. Our family seems to be half larks and half owls. Bunch is a perpetual early riser...taking strongly after her remarkable father. Gator, poor lad, favor's his mother so far. Maybe he'll grow out of it. Even though I never have.

So anyway, Bunch rose early like usual, and got herself ready for school. Meanwhile I discovered a few grams of untapped energy which I cashed in to get myself up, and then climbed the ladder into The Gator Lair about 20 minutes before the bus was scheduled to fetch them away. A short snuggle, coupled with a promise of some COW* for breakfast, and he managed to drag himself out and make it on time.

We even had a moment for a quick photo shoot outside before they dashed. Since the School Picture Industry is notorious for A) crazy overpriced "deals", and B) notoriously bad photos, I have never purchased them for my kids. I do get them a class photo for memory's sake, but the individual shots have never been anything close to what I'd pay good (student loan) money for.

Here they are, a month and a half into the new year. My flippy-haired angel boy and my own real-life Rapunzel. I announced an Official Mommy Proclamation decreeing that they are not allowed to get any older or more beautiful until I figure out how to bottle these moments to savor forevermore.

~he was sound asleep 20 minutes ago. What would it be like?



*COW is our euphemism for Cream Of Wheat...which we eat a lot more of around here than we do beef. It's just more economical. And healthier!

Indeed!

I found this mug a couple months back at my favorite thrift store. The kids and I were updating their wardrobes for the new school year when we stumbled upon this mug...which you can see isn't exactly upright.


They of course INSISTED that I get it.

"You're almost forty mommy!" Gator sweetly reminded me. "You HAVE to get it!"

So now every day I drink my water from this little number. I drink my water before I go on my run, and I drink more when I get back.

Despite the claims of this mug, I have spent most of the last few months trying to become a person who exercises regularly. The assumption that slim people are fit people is made far too often...and in my case it couldn't have been further from the truth. I wasn't fit. I couldn't keep up on a walk with the grannies in my neighborhood when we moved here. If I tried to run, I had a stitch in my side and felt short of breath after just one block. And I had a bad attitude about exercise, too. Not about it's importance, just about me doing any of it.

But I've pressed on...with help from a number of other people, and a few bloggers, too, who've encouraged me to hang in there. And guess what? Slowly, oh so slowly, I'm finding that I'm getting physically fit. Nothing has really changed in terms of my shape. But my lungs are definitely improved, my heart stronger. I have run for over an hour without them stopping me. My main issues now are A) joints and B) stress fractures.

I didn't have any problems until a few weeks ago. I'd been pretty good about going on my run 3-4 times a week for several months, when I somehow developed a stress fracture in my toe. This snagged me for a week, till I found a gym nearby that I could join for $100 a year. It was a worthwhile enough cause that I coughed it up and started using the elliptical and stair machines there to allow the toe to heal.

Three weeks of machine workouts and I was back to the terra firma...and it felt GREAT! I had a layover in Boston, and ran over eight miles along the Charles River in the rain and dark. I loved it. I never thought the phrase "I loved it" in a conversation about running would pass my lips, but it's true. I loved how I could just go and go. I know 8 miles isn't a lot for many people...but for this computer potato who couldn't do a block last spring, it was HUGE.

I got really amped up about the upcoming race after that. I figured 8 miles that night, 10 the next week, 12 the following, and then this weekend, all 13.1 miles in the race. I was DOIN'G IT!

But ever since that night, I've struggled. Knee pain where I never had it before (right ITB). Mild pain starting up in the fractured toe again. I've been slow and uncomfortable. It's been somewhat discouraging, because that run in Boston actually had me thinking I was on my way to becoming a runner! Now I'm thinking I'm just on my way to being someone who exercises regularly. But that's okay. If I can enjoy going out for a 3-4 mile run every other day or so, and keep myself physically fit in the process, I'll have accomplished something important, and I'll be very happy.

So this weekend I'll be hopping on a plane to Long Beach, where I'll participate in my first ever big race. I am excited to be part of the experience. I'll run as much as I can, walk when I can't, and celebrate when I cross the finish line with my sister, who convinced me to do it in the first place.

So my question today is...How about you? Have you managed to supersede a stumbling block in your life? How did you do it? And for you runner types, feel free to share any advice, tidbits or suggestion that would be useful for someone like me. ♥

I'm a Winner!

So my very talented, eBFF Lorrie, who owns an amazing pottery company and who seems to have an endless supply of wit and creativity, and who blogs over at Our Name Is Blog from her home out in fabulous New York City, hosted a contest over the past few days.

The prize for the winner was a pair of commemorative mugs in honor of the vice presidential debate last week. The catch was you couldn't enter yourself in the contest...only other people. I nominated a number of my eBFFs (cause I have just SO many!) to win...and one of my submissions, Talk Jockey was the winner!

And because Lorrie is so terrific, as the submitter of the winning entry, I'm going to win some fabulous, as yet-to-be-determined prize too! I'm guessing she's planning to name her next child after me. Or create a new product line in my honor (...something w/a Blue theme of course...all encrusted with jeuls and whatnot).

Winning ANYTHING is always exciting. But winning something made by the giver is about as special as it gets. Thanks Lorrie! Next time I'm in NYC I'll try to stop by! ♥

The Meadow

“Often small acts of service are all that is required to lift and bless another. True words of encouragement require only a loving and caring heart but may have an eternal impact on the life of those around you.” ~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The one recurring dream I had as a child, was that there was this hole in the ground which had no end. Anything that went down the hole would fall forever and ever. In my dream it was where they put bad guys who’d been convicted of serious crimes. In the hole they could never hurt anyone else, because they would fall forever till they died, and then their bodies would rot and their bones would continue falling and falling evermore.

The hole was covered with a manhole lid, which was removed on a daily basis to drop down fruit that the convicts could eat, if they ever managed to catch the things falling past them in the dark.

In my dream, I had accidentally fallen in, much to my terror. There were a few slim iron handhold bars near the top of the hole, just like a manhole has. Sometimes I’d manage to catch one right as I slipped in, and would spend the rest of my dream frantically try to crawl back up. Sometimes I missed the bars and kept falling, but would keep trying to brace myself a little further down and span the width of the tunnel to try and inch my way back out of this irreversible predicament. I could see the light at the top, but I never could actually reach the surface in my dream.

This dream reminds me of how I felt during the first few decades of my life. It was as though I existed in a deep abyss…like a tunnel that went down forever with no end in sight. It was dark. It was often lonely. I felt inadequate as a rule. Sometimes I got banged up. I was probably depressed without knowing what that even was. But it was all the existence I knew. I had no experience outside the abyss, which in some ways was actually a tender mercy.

Still, there was always a glint of light in the distance, beckoning, urging me to keep on climbing upwards. Though I often felt like it was futile to keep trying, something in me kept prodding me onward. And when my own resolve seemed to run dry, there were kindnesses shown by others that restored hope, renewed determination, gave me a needed boost from beneath. The older I’ve gotten, the more frequently these boosts seem to have come.

The past twenty years have been wildly better than the first twenty were…in large measure because of Doc and his steady, constant support, and love. When he came into my life, I was able to stop trying to conceal the fact that I was an “abyss dweller”, and use that freed-up energy to begin to blossom where I was at the time. I've also had countless friends, and even the kindness of strangers, unknowingly give me the little extra support I needed to see me through a difficult patch.

It’s been slow. There have been countless setbacks and hurdles. Most of the time I’ve been confused about how to successfully move forward. But I’ve never before felt as genuinely happy and peaceful inside as I do right now. It’s like I’ve finally emerged from the abyss, and have found myself in a brook-gladdened meadow…the likes of which I had only imagined existed before. There is beauty all around, and it’s clear and bright. The rain is refreshing and the sun warms me from the inside out.

I can see mountains in the distance. They tower high above the clouds and across the horizon. I know there are hard days ahead still. There will even be ruts and hills in this beautiful meadow-season I’m enjoying. But my heart is filled with gratitude for this place I’m in right now. For the sense of who I really am, for the happy outlook, for the patience, peace and joy that I presently enjoy.

Such are the seasons we all experience. Most of life seems to be custom-designed to refine us by the fires of challenge, trial, and error. It’s those small acts of service, and those kind words shared lovingly with others, that beautify the meadows of life, that assist us over the craggy mountains, and ease the burden of existing in the darkest abyss.

I am so grateful to those dear ones who have been the light, the voice of encouragement, who’ve given the gifts of love and friendship that have brought me to this point. Even the smallest kindness has helped me to find this place. I only hope I can do the same for others with my words and deeds. And I hope I will be grateful for the memories of the meadow when I'm clinging to the side of a cliff somewhere in the future. I'll be counting on you to remind me!

♥

Blue's Tip of the Week: Fancy Napkins

Note: you could use any similar object...doesn't have to be a water bottle.
Video Credits go to my fellow flight attendant Mike, who was a great sport about filming this.
It was completely unscripted and spontaneous, and we only did one take. Hope you enjoyed it!

Runner Up

Well, it's been two weeks since my big round-trip buddy pass give-away. The winner never contacted me. I decided that if I hadn't heard from them within two weeks, I'd award it to the second-place winner...whose number I generated as a back-up (though it never occurred to me that I might actually need a back-up!)

So StrumpMan, it's your lucky day! Contact me to claim your prize. And maybe you should use your pass to go to Vegas...cause the stars are shining upon you my friend.

If I don't hear from StrumpMan within another two weeks, I'm going to host a new contest. Cause it was fun to hear from all ya'll. And cause I'm making the rules up. Oh the power! Mwah ha ha (Just kidding! I'm not actually feeling maniacal!)

Happy October everybody!
♥