Good morning little Gems!
Today before school Bunch and I were talking, and she mentioned a billboard she saw that says something like: And then I read a poignant post about depression by a woman I greatly admire on a blog I read.
Reading the comments on that post made me feel like I've been behaving a bit like Golum most of my life, hiding out in the dark caves, in denial with myself about my depression.
Well, it's time to come out of the dark. (Oooh, bright light, bright light!)
Last October I wrote a post I titled "The Meadow", in which I described feeling happy. At the time I felt impressed that I needed to record those feelings, which I did in that post. (If you'd like to go read that post before you continue, I'll wait for you right here.)
Welcome back! Anyway, little did I know that less than two weeks after writing those feelings down, two things would occur that would throw me into a deep depression. We're talking the ultimate Funky Town.
In hindsight, I feel like that season of simple, daily happiness was a tender mercy from God, given to me so that I'd know that there was a different way to experience life. That some people feel happy like that on a regular basis. That my decades of feeling like I was dragging myself along wasn't the only way to feel.
My long-term bloggy buddies may recall that I "took a break" from writing for a few months, and kind of went into hiding for a while...wrestling with myself and what I was feeling. It's a common response to stress...fight or flight. I flew (naturally!)
I wasn't doing very well. In fact I kind of bottomed out for a bit there.
A few months ago, Doc, who was doing his psychiatry rotation at the time, wondered aloud if I was dysthymic.
"What's that?" I asked him. He told me to google dysthymia, which I did.
And I spent hours that day reading everything I could find about this condition. Because there was my Entire Life, defined in print.
Facing the news that I was depressed made me even more depressed. It felt like a personal failing on my part. Like something I should have been able to prevent, by just Thinking Better Thoughts, or Handling Situations Better. Being More Positive. Or Being More Grateful. Trying Harder. Or Eating More Chocolate (kidding).
Whenever I heard someone compare depression to diabetes, I focused on the more preventable forms of diabetes...the kind that the person contributes to because of their dietary and lifestyle choices. They, like me, should have done something to prevent it...right?!
Hearing about dysthymia was revelatory. I'd seen various counselors through the past 20 years, and NO ONE had ever mentioned it..which is shocking to me. I've felt this way as long as I can remember, till last fall when I had that season of Happy Blue, when I thought I'd somehow finally Arrived, and was Done With The Darkness. Forever!
It wasn't till that experience that I knew for myself a different way of feeling actually existed. I'd always compared my life to those around me, and figured that how I felt was as good as it gets.
But it's not.
Depression is NOT as good as it gets. Depression is like a gray film on reading glasses. It colors everything with a drab wash. And that's just the mild form of it. At times, the hopelessness and frustration can be so overwhelming that death seems like the only relief. Being severely depressed is like being in a smoke filled room, and it's killing you, but the only way out is to run through the fire. But you're terrified of being disfigured and destroyed...it seems much worse than the smokey room, so you stay put, slowly having the life choked out of you.
When I was growing up, I spent years praying every night that I would die in my sleep. I didn't want to commit suicide...I was sure I'd go straight to hell if I did that. And hell was pretty low on my sight-seeing list even back then. I was also afraid of pain, and was sure that dying was the most painful thing out there. But I was so sad all the time, that death seemed like the only way out. My prayers generally went something like "Dear Heavenly Father, I miss you. I'm so homesick for a real home. Please just take me back tonight! In a twinkling, or peaceful way. I can't take this life any more. In Jesus' name, amen" And every morning when I woke up I figured He didn't want me either.
Eventually I gave up the Praying For Death route, and adopted a Pretend I'm Okay and Make The Best Of It approach. That's been my modus operandi ever since.
I didn't want to cop to being depressed. I couldn't handle there being something else wrong with me. If the thought that I was depressed ever came up, it made me mad. Kind of like when anyone hinted that my mood could be PMS. How DARE they minimize my feelings by writing it off as mere hormones?!
But in recent months as I've hit bottom, I've learned a lot about depression. There is (and likely always will be) a stigma associated with it. If you struggle with depression, you have likely felt shame or embarrassment over your situation. You feel like you're "less than" those who don't have this particular struggle. You worry that if people know, you'll be ostracized, abandoned, alone. And the fact is, you actually might. I might. Talking about it is scary and risky for me. But I'm still me, nothing's changed except what some people know about me.
I don't want to become the poster child for depression. But I do hope to make more progress and have better success dealing with it by not spending so much energy trying to hide the fact of it from everyone. I also hope that by being open about it, I will be able to help others who are also struggling with it. I've met lots of people who struggle with depression lately. It really is at pandemic levels...and countless lives are impacted by it on a daily basis. But there ARE ways to live with it. There IS help. And if something you've tried hasn't worked, there are other things to try.
It's especially crucial to help young people who struggle with depression...because they won't necessarily have the insights and experiences needed to know that there is a different way of being. We lose too many people to this disease of depression. Like the billboard says, it is real. It's an illness just like cancer, or heart disease. But there are effective treatments. In shining light on the subject, I hope to de-stigmatize the condition, and help people think about it differently.
Blessings today: - A good therapist
- Blogging friends
- Honesty
"Tra La It's May...the month of 'yes you may.'"That's a line from my all-time favorite musical. Two points if you can tell me which one it is.Once upon a time before I became a parent, I got a flier somewhere entitled How To Really Love A Child with a long list of things a dedicated parent could do. I liked the list, and even though it was just a tacky flier, I taped it up on my tacky cupboard in our student housing apartment.One of the items that I've never forgotten on that list was the admonition "say yes as often as you can." I think it struck me at the time for two reasons. First, I wasn't sure always saying yes to kids was a good idea. That's not necessarily how good parents love their children. But, on the other hand, there are plentyOparents who say "no" almost as a reflex. "Mom, can I..." "NO!" before the poor kid even finishes their request. The ugly cousin to "no" is "not now."I remember as a young child being told no a lot. The result was I eventually stopped asking, and just took matters into my own hands. By the time I became a teenager, I wasn't really being parented. At the time I thought this was pretty cool in a way. Doing my own thing without any meaningful input from my parental units made me feel (falsely) like I was pretty mature and grown up.
As an adult, I realize that saying no to our children is a big responsibility. I believe the second reason that quote stayed with me was the other way to interpret it. "Say yes as often as you can"...meaning, as often as is healthy for your children, for the family, and for you as a parent. As often as you can, while still enabling them to develop in age-appropriate ways. As often as is possible so as not to stifle their creativity and the natural wonder that children have. Say yes to living, with that happy dandylion-twirly-head-on-exuberance that is innate to children. Say yes to the sweet, simple requests of childhood. Most of them are small and innocent. And childhood won't last forever.I'm trying to be better about saying yes to my children. To be aware of my reasons for saying no when I do, and make sure they're reasonable. To seize the day, and create as many memories as I can with them while I have the chance. To realize that they'll be gone in two blinks. I'm trying to help them learn and grow in as many ways as possible, and to learn all the lessons they can teach me as their mother. Following in my friend's footsteps...I'll end with three good things:- The flowers are magnificent in my neighborhood right now
- Hard rain storms in the desert mean the mountains are so green and rivers are swollen.
- Reading with my children every morning
The following is written by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love (Penguin):
Absolute certainty is not something I strive for anymore. I've learned the hard way that destiny usually looks upon our most strident convictions with amusement, or perhaps even pity. (Oh, those silly humans! So desperate for their absolutes!) Sometimes it seems like the only job of the world is to gently (or not so gently) separate us from our deepest assurances, exposing us once again to that ultimate moral teaching tool: humility.
Of course, it's not always a pleasant experience to have our certainties stripped away. Sureness is something like a neck brace, which we clamp around our lives, hoping to somehow protect ourselves from the frightening, constant whiplash of change. Sadly, the brace doesn't always hold. I could list for you a tragicomic litany of all the things I was once mistakenly completely certain about, and I'm sure you can do the same. Maybe you, too, were once absolutely sure that you'd found your final best friend, or the perfect mentor, meditation, or medication that would—once and for all—never fail you. And then? Slowly, it seems, we are not so sure after all. Such is our slippery toehold here on Earth, and so it has always been.
Perhaps it is for this reason that the people we instinctively turn to in times of trouble are those who—we sense—have made space within their convictions for doubt and mystery. Compassion grows best, it appears, in the soft spots beneath quiet surrender. So I try very hard to go easy on the firm conclusions. These days I settle for feeling only 85 percent sure about most things, most of the time. I believe this is keeping me sane, and I also believe that it's keeping me human. In fact, I'm 85 percent sure of it.
I haven't read the book yet, but it's been on my reading list for a while. I just heard the quote and it made me think about my life. Certainty and Constancy are two things I've always striven for. But the more time passes, the more I realize that Uncertainty and Change are to be my life-long companions. They aren't who I'd choose to hang out with, and thus far they seem to always catch me off guard, but they do keep things interesting. I'm able to deal with them so long as I keep my other pal, Faith, around all the time. When Faith departs, Blue falls apart.
Is there anything you are (mostly) certain about?
So today my friend-that-I-haven't-met-yet-but-plan-to-someday wrote the following on her blog:
After I got home, I decided to look around my house. I love beautiful things. I love to surround myself with things that radiate happiness and beauty. Jane came home from school one day with a large branch of cherry blossoms. The colors were vibrant and gorgeous. Simple things like that allow me to feel special, happy, loved, and most of all... my favorite... feminine. We are women of a God who delights in his daughters to feel beautiful and adored. Whatever that is to you personally, don't let it go undone. It is in you safe and warm and no one can take that away from you...no one.
and I realized again that this is part of what's missing in my life. I look at her home and the homes of many of my friends, and they're filled with beauty and light and physical reminders of love and joy.
My world really isn't. It's not bad, but it's not what I'd call beautiful. The most beautiful things in my home are my kids. But they're gone most all of every day, taking their vibrancy, light, and beauty with them. And then I'm surrounded by function, basic forms, neutral colors, and dullness. Unless I go down and hang out in Bunch's room, that is.
I've recently tried to add some splashes of color to my wardrobe. This helps me feel a little more feminine and pretty...but my home and yard really lack right now. They always have.
I remember marveling at my best friend from childhood's home when I visited it for the first time. Neither of us grew up in "beautiful environments". I was living in the garage amidst the piles of junk, tools, car parts and storage. Inside, the house was no less cluttered and packratty. Likewise, my friend's home was a hodge podge of mismatched second-hand furniture and clutter (though I secretly envied the fact that her house itself was "nicer"...in a newer neighborhood with bigger homes than mine. Which seemed like a big key to being "cool" in my childhood).
Somehow my darling friend managed to create the nicest home for her husband and children. It's just lovely. The colors, furniture, decor, lack of clutter, organization, landscaping...it was so nice. The first time I visited, I was amazed. And flummoxed. Is it a gene I'm missing? I just don't have a clue where to start...and it all feels overwhelming.
I'm sure this missing link is why I've long been fascinated by those shows where they just come in with their team of designers and capable builders and redo a house or a room for the lucky family. If I'm ever commuting to work and watch a show on the plane (the only time I ever watch tv), that's the kind I watch. And as I watch my head will fill up with grandiose visions of how I could remake my house.
But then I look at my bank statement, and survey my creative/artistic ideas, and the motivation evaporates like an August rain in the desert. And yes, I know a can of paint can make a big difference. But it's the stuff beyond paint that stumps me. The Devil's in the details, as they say.
And then there's the issue of what style I'd have if I could have any one. I have no idea. I like them all as long as they're nicely done. I guess I'm least drawn to the modern look, but even that can be nice in a sparse kind of way. And certainly better than no style at all.
Still, I do so love being in peaceful, cheerful, beautiful places. Environments that provide uplifting sensuous experiences. It's good for the soul. I dream of someday having a cute, tidy cottage on the creek in our neighborhood. I don't believe I'd ever tire of the sound of the water rushing by. And I'm sure I'd love being in Nie's home. Maybe her beauty karma would rub off on me?
Meanwhile, a couple times a day I go stare at the tulips that pushed up through the earth this week in my back yard. They're perfect.
Okay it's time to share my secret.
Lots of people like the hearts that I strew all over the internet with regular abandon. And on many many occasion, people have emailed or posted comments asking how I do that.
So today I'm going to share with you how to make ♥s
First off, I should mention that they don't translate to most email programs. So if you send one on email, it will arrive as a jumble. Sorry about that. I have my people working on the matter, but it might be a while.
Still, it does work on most blogs. With TypePad though, if you do this and post a comment, it will simply disappear when your comment is displayed. I have my people working on that too. But don't hold your breath.
So there are two ways to make ♥s. The first is that you can just highlight, copy, and paste them. Voila!
The second way is to type the following without any spaces (I'm putting a space in so that it doesn't convert it automatically. I've made that mistake before):
& hearts;
Once you post your comment on the blog, (or in FaceBook or wherever), you will have your very own heart.
And so there you have it. The simple way to spread a little ♥ around.
♥,
Blue
Bunch had a piano recital tonight. There was some question till just this past Thursday about whether or not she'd be participating, because she injured her finger and hasn't really been able to practice the past few weeks. The song she was working on is pretty rigorous. But she got up there and did it, and we're pretty pleased with her progress. She's had just over two years of music lessons now, and has a fantastic teacher who believes in inspiring rather than punishing her pupils. Clearly with Bunch, her method is working.
A wonderful family friend died this week. We had overnight guests Thursday, and spent that evening and all day Friday involved in the viewings, funeral, graveside service, and a lovely luncheon afterward.
There were a number of things said during the funeral that really touched my heart. I haven't been to many funerals in my life. Counting back, there have only been five total...including a complete stranger that I'd never met before. I know it's kind of strange to be forty and not have been much touched by death. That will change, obviously, unless I end up dying sooner than later.
Despite my lack of exposure to death, I've found that funerals are a good opportunity to reflect on my life. Am I who I want to be? (no) If I died today, would my life have been enough of what it should have been? (no) What lessons do I still need to learn? (so many!) What legacy am I leaving in my wake? (that's another post entirely)
These may not be the typical questions you think of when it comes to dying. But I've had some experiences in my life that have given me an ironclad faith and testimony about the veracity that this life is not the end. That our Heavenly Father has a plan for us, which I am grateful to have a testimony of. And that plan included coming to earth, getting a body, dying, and being resurrected someday. And that we will see our loved ones again...they are not gone forever. And that if we choose the right, and repent of our wrongs, we will be able to be with them for all eternity.
So as sad (and tragic, in some situations) as death is, I have a strong faith that it's not sad for the person who died. It's only those of us who are left behind, missing them and wondering how life can go on without them who are struggling.
One interesting thing about the service yesterday is that this man had lived an amazing life, and there were many notable experiences worthy of honoring. But none of them were mentioned. The things that were shared about him all centered on his character. What kind of person he is. His noble traits (charitable, forgiving, service-oriented, his sense of humor, his lack of ego), not his many outstanding accomplishments. I thought that was interesting.
Everyone loved this man. He was a good, kind, generous, loving father, husband, brother, uncle, and friend. He was a very talented musician. And he endured a horrible illness without complaint, with grace and patience. There was much to celebrate about his life and example, and I was honored to be part of the celebration of his life yesterday.
So now I need to spend some time setting some goals that will help me along in my own life journey. To allow those thoughts and feelings of yesterday to inspire me towards a better today. Just wanted to share that here. What feelings and experiences have helped you to make strides in your life journey? Do you have any experiences that have helped you overcome hurdles and propel you forward?
...where would you go and why?
Good afternoon lovely little Gemmies!
So the other night Doc made a list of 114 possible residency programs. Not included on his list were any states that he personally couldn't handle living in. Then gave me the list.
"You edit it down" he told me. "If you're not happy, no one will be happy."
Which might very well be true. As it turns out. (Which begs the question is the converse is true as well? Cause, Oh The Power!)
So I opened up Realtor.com and Google maps, and systematically plugged in information about each city to see if we could A) actually afford living there and B) how doing so would impact my getting to/from work. Any city that didn't have even modest abode in our price range was out, as were any locations that would force me to quit my job. And I confess, I did kind of avoid most of the Arctic North programs. Long, dreary, endless winters are rough on my psyche.
I did this for hours, till I finally pared his list down to 35 programs. Believe it or not, every place on this list has homes we could afford. Who knew! Noticeably absent are any programs in Boston (ouch on the housing!), despite there being an abundance of excellent programs in that city. Doc will be on call a lot, so living reasonably close to the hospital is a must.
So my wise little Gems, whadda say? I'm sure some of you have opinions on some of these locations. I love hearing about different places, and if you have personal experience with any of these, let's have it.
Obviously we can't make the decision based on who lives there. Friends in the area would be fabbo, but it's not a deciding factor. Good great Schools for the kids (junior high and high schools) are crucial. As are safe neighborhoods. Pluses are agreeable culture, natural beauty, sundry amenities. And I confess I'd love it if there was an active LDS church community with strong youth programs for my angel kids. The teen years are hard enough without that kind of support.
We'll be living wherever we end up for between five and seven years (some programs are more consolidated...another factor), so I need to make the best choice. So if you have any input, leave a comment. Thank you and thank you again!
H♥gs,
Blue Jeuls
(Sorted by state)
Utah
University of Utah Program - Salt Lake City, Utah...where we'd prefer to go since we're here and it's an excellent program. Our #1 choice
Arizona
St Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center - Phoenix, Arizona
Maricopa Medical Center Program - Phoenix, Arizona
California
Loma Linda University Program - Loma Linda, California
Colorado
University of Colorado Denver Program - Aurora, Colorado
Connecticut
St Vincent's Medical Center - Bridgeport, Connecticut
Bridgeport Hospital/Yale University Program - Bridgeport, Connecticut
University of Connecticut Program - Farmington, Connecticut
Hartford Hospital Program - Hartford, Connecticut
Yale-New Haven Medical Center Program - New Haven, Connecticut
Hospital of St Raphael Program - New Haven, Connecticut
Norwalk Hospital Program - Norwalk, Connecticut
District of Columbia
Georgetown University Hospital Program - Washington, District of Columbia
George Washington University Program - Washington, District of Columbia
National Capital Consortium Program - Washington, District of Columbia
Delaware
Christiana Care Health Services Program - Newark, Delaware
Illinois
St Francis Hospital of Evanston Program - Evanston, Illinois
Massachusetts
St Vincent Hospital Program - Worcester, Massachusetts
University of Massachusetts Program - Worcester, Massachusetts
Maryland
Johns Hopkins University Program - Baltimore, Maryland
University of Maryland Program - Baltimore, Maryland
New Mexico
University of New Mexico Program - Albuquerque, New Mexico
New York
University of Rochester Program - Rochester, New York
Rochester General Hospital Program - Rochester, New York
SUNY at Stony Brook Program - Stony Brook, New York
SUNY Upstate Medical University Program - Syracuse, New York
North Carolina
University of North Carolina Hospitals Program - Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Duke University Hospital Program - Durham, North Carolina
Wake Forest University School of Medicine Program - Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Ohio
Ohio State University Hospital Program - Columbus, Ohio
Oregon
Oregon Health & Science University Program - Portland, Oregon
Rhode Island
Brown University Program - Providence, Rhode Island
Virginia
Virginia Commonwealth University Health System Program - Richmond, Virginia
Washington
Virginia Mason Medical Center Program - Seattle, Washington
University of Washington Program - Seattle, Washington
Hello my little Gems!Last week I was sitting in my office and saw two guys walk across my lawn through my blinds. I thought it was my neighbor and his roofing-company-owner-brother, who had said earlier in the day he’d give me an estimate on re-roofing our garage, which is falling apart, so I answered the door. It wasn’t my neighbor, but rather, two college-age white males. One of them, the slender one, was holding a couple blue fliers in his hand. “Good evening Ma’am, we’re in the neighborhood demonstrating our new foam carpet cleaning system, and will clean the largest room in your house free of charge” he informed me.“No thanks” I replied. “My carpet’s in pretty sorry shape. Needs to be replaced more than it needs to be cleaned” I said, while thinking about how it could use a good cleaning…there are a few spots I’d love to have removed.“We’re happy to take a look at it for you” Slender Guy offered. Heavy Set hadn’t said a word yet. He didn’t seem to have the same level of social skills as his partner.“The thing is, if I let you clean my carpet, you’ll want me to buy something. And the fact is I’m broke.” I told them.“Well ma’am, my company pays me a little bit for doing a demonstration, which helps me out, and you’d get your carpet cleaned, so really it’s a win-win situation. We only ask that you tell your friends and neighbors about us” he encouraged.So I consented. It was about 7:40pm, and Doc was downstairs watching NOVA on PBS with Gator, and Bunch was at a youth activity. Heavy Set and Slender came into my living room, which was littered with the Trappings Of Tuesday (music lessons, scouts, school). We try very hard to keep that room as clean as possible, but it can go from spotless to strewn in .065 seconds when the kids get home. Bunch’s viola was on the floor next to the case, books, backpacks, sweaters, socks, shoes, Cub shirt, PTA fliers all scattered the floor. As I hurriedly tried to tidy up and point out the stains on the carpet, Slender commented “looks like you’re a musical family”, noting the viola, guitar and grand piano in our small living room. I concurred, babbling on about how Doc played guitar and piano, the daughter viola and piano, and me just piano. He started jotting down notes on one of his blue fliers and I asked when they’d like to make an appointment. ”Oh we’ll do it right now.” He replied. Now? I asked. “If that’s okay” slender said. “We’re just on our last run of the night.”How long does it take? I asked.“About 30 minutes” he told me. So I said I guess that would be fine (this would be an example of carpet diem I guess. Ha! I slay me!).”Are you married” Slender says.Yes. “What’s your husband’s name?”Doc.“Is he home right now?”Yep. Downstairs watching tv with the son.“How many children do you have?”Two.“Well we’ll just go get our equipment and be back in about ten minutes. Don’t worry about moving out furniture or anything. We’ll just do high-traffic areas.” Slender says, as he and Heavy Set leave to get their stuff.I scurried around moving the piano bench, guitar stand and other smaller items out of the living room. NOVA ended and Doc came upstairs and I told him what was going on. By then it had been more than ten minutes, and suddenly my mind started to be a bit uneasy.What did I just DO? I thought to myself.I let two perfect strangers into my HOME, and gave them information about my family. I started to desperately hope that they’d return with carpet cleaning equipment and actually turn out to be what they claimed. But they didn’t. After about 45 minutes, I was pretty freaked out. So I called the non-emergency police number just in case they’ve heard of some scam in the area. They hadn’t, but they agreed it sounded fishy. “People who clean carpets are interested in stains and spots, not whether you’re married and if your hubby’s home” the officer informed me. Because I didn’t already feel like an idiot.They sent a car out to talk to me, and scope out the area. But we haven’t seen them since. Doc thinks they were looking for an easy target, and decided we didn’t qualify. Plus they probably (rightly) concluded we don’t have much worth taking. Anyway, the experience reinforced a few key things for me:- If solicitors come on my property, I don’t owe them anything, and according to the police, I should ask them to leave immediately.
- I need a “No Solicitors” sign on my house.
- I’ve been too trusting of strangers. Thankfully nothing bad has happened (so far) from this experience, but it’s not the same world today that it was in the past. You can’t just let people into your home any more. You’d think I’d have learned something from the whole Elizabeth Smart story!
My kids were (to say the least) somewhat freaked out when they found out what had happened. I did my best to reassure them and comfort them…but we’ve definitely been more cautious since then about leaving doors unlocked and whatnot.My bubble has been popped. I’m now officially solicitor and stranger-leery. The next day a knock on the door came right as I was leaving for an appointment. I mean I was standing in the doorway about to open it. I looked through the peep hole and saw one guy wearing a badge. I opened it because I had to leave anyway, and he claimed to be from the U.S. Census Bureau. I asked if I could examine his badge and he readily agreed. It looked legit (but like I have any idea what an official census bureau badge looks like). He handed me the census paper he was holding a stack of, and asked if there were any apartments attached to our dwelling, which would be nice but unfortunately, no. That was it...he thanked me and left.
From now on I’m asking for ID. And I’m being cautious about answering the door, especially when I’m home alone …cause you just never know these days.Be safe, my little Gems! It's a kind of crazy world. ♥ Blue Jeuls
So in addition to remaining extremely competitive with his academic pursuits, Doc has been capturing notice in other areas of his life lately as well. Here he is, my own cover boy, hitting the newsstands nationwide today. These are two magazines I can't wait to find copies on the airplane!D
