Blame

Sometimes I like to blame others for where I'm at right now. Am I the only one who does this?

My primary target is my dad. I often feel like he's responsible for almost all the messes in my life. I play that "if only he'd done this differently" game, and trace everything back to his choices.

Like, for example, if he hadn't abused me as a child, then I would probably have had more self-esteem growing up. And my relationships with people would be healthier. I'd have been a better student. I wouldn't be struggling with depression. I'd have accomplished more with my life. Yadda yadda yadda.

But I don't know for sure that this is true. I mean, if he hadn't done what he did, and effectively ruined our family with his actions, it would have been easier to feel safe, secure and loved growing up. And having that would have influenced my life in ways I can't fathom. And I wouldn't be spending so much time and money-we-don't-have right now to wade through the pain and grief that I'm presently struggling through. At least not as it relates to my childhood.

But I don't know that I wouldn't be struggling with depression. And I don't know if I'd have had more success and confidence etc.

Because this I DO know: life isn't easy for anyone. If it doesn't throw one problem, challenge, setback, heartache in your path, it'll throw another. Because there hasn't ever been a person who just got "lucky", and managed to incredibly side-step their way through life, avoiding all the pain, loss, suffering and sorrow that is native to the mortal experience.

Eventually, we all learn through the hard moments we are given. Life isn't a series of green lights and empty parking spaces. We're here to be tried and tested and experience joy. I'm having a lot of the first two, and trying to have more of the third. I'm trying to be a better person. To learn from my experiences. To create beauty from ashes. Both in my life, and the lives of those around me.

So I can blame my dad for now. And my mom, too. But I realize it's not useful. That if I use blame to absolve myself from taking responsibility for my life, I just perpetuate the problem.

So even though he did what he did, and even though he is at fault for all of it, and regardless that I'm stuck with the fallout (and so is he. so are we all.) of his actions, blaming isn't going to fix things. Blaming won't change the facts. The only thing that can change is what I'm going to do about the situation.

So I'm trying to move beyond blame to forgiveness. Forgiving him doesn't mean he'll ever be part of my life necessarily. I don't have any reason to believe he'll ever do what needs to be done in order for us to interact with each other. He hasn't yet, and neither has my mother, or my brother for that matter. But forgiveness is elemental to making peace with how things are between us. It's not my fault that things are the way they are, and heaven knows I tried for decades to "fix" the situation. I can't fix it. It may not be fixable in this life, but if it is, it's proved to be beyond my abilities.

What I can do for now is move through the various stages of mourning and grieving...a part of which includes blaming. Cause that's what kids do, and the kid in me is finally getting her voice. Even if some days it's only a whisper still.

Grateful for:
1) The chance to heal
2) Sunshine today
3) A great laugh with Doc and Bunch last night. Laughter is good for my soul.