This Sunday I will be officially released as the cub scout den mother. For this I am very grateful.
Typically Mormons don't talk about this kind of thing till after the release has happened, but I'm making an exception here on my blog because it's a CUB SCOUT job...and in my life I've never really made peace with the relationship of the BSA and my church. But that's another topic for another day.
For over 2 years I have been meeting every Tuesday with the boys, and dragging myself along while trying to conceal the fact that I'm just not into it. It hasn't mattered that scouting is Gator's only extra-curricular activity, and he likes it, and that it's a good program for boys and that there is all kinds of evidence that boys who receive Eagle Scout awards do better in life, and the boys seem to enjoy being there etc etc etc.
None of that has mattered. Most of the time, the fact that I've been a den mom has just been a millstone around my neck. A millstone that is shrouded in guilt. Mommy guilt of the worst order. Even talking to my darling FIL who loves scouting and has been active and involved in it for decades didn't help. With his encouragement I tried to rally, tried to change my attitude about my role. It helped me feel better about scouting in general, but worsened my guilt about my involvement in it.
The other den mom will be moving soon, so it's a good time to change it up. But this morning while we were waiting for his bus he brought up talking to the driver about letting the other boys in the den get off the bus at our house on Tuesdays, so I ended up having to tell Gator that starting next week I won't be his den leader anymore. He looked very stricken and then he burst into tears.
"Honey, you'll have a new leader, someone whose even better at it than I am", I tried to reassure him.
"But you're the best" he told me, clinging to me.
This was NOT how I wanted to send him off to school.
While his sentiments yanked on my mommy heart and made me love that kid even more, Gator doesn't have any basis for comparison. He can think I'm "the best" because he's never had a scout leader who really got into it and went above and beyond. The boys have skated through Bear and Wolf, and they're doing okay, but not one of them is really into scouting yet. I don't think any of them would work on things without it being spoon-fed to them. So I'm hoping the new leader will help them transition to that kind of relationship to it. I know it wasn't going to happen with me in there. It may not with the new leader either, but they're getting old enough that it's time for that to start occurring. And I am committed to being a more supportive mom-of-a-scout than I was as Den-Mother-Of-A-Scout. I'll even sew on patches and work on his book with him.
Still, it's kind of bittersweet to be released from the job without ever having managed to get a handle on it. To go out "on the bottom" so to speak. But I don't think I'd have ever gotten on top of it with everything I have going on inside my head/heart right now. It just weighed me down because I wasn't doing more.
Speaking of. Not only haven't I been doing more with scouting, I also haven't been reading, or writing, or creating, or seeming to accomplish much of anything lately. Hence the no blog post in a week.
But this morning I got up and started working in the yard. It's a nice day, and my toxic, profaning, vulgar, exhibitionist, evil neighbor wasn't up and at his usual nonstop screaming, yelling and shrieking to himself yet, which is a huge deterrent to me enjoying my yard. So I cut back the shrubs for winter, trimmed bushes, and pulled some weeds and made a start on getting it spruced up a bit. It felt good to get something accomplished right off the bat, and it's the 2nd day this week that I didn't wake up feeling like I needed to sleep another 100 hours. Carpe diem.
Grateful for:
1) feeling rested enough
2) brown rice with homemade hawaiian sauce and veggies.
3) today Doc is taking Step Two of the Medical Board Exams...and he will be a new man with that weight off of his shoulders.
10 comments:
Been there and done that with the cub scouts thing. ALso with the activity days girls - same thing but with little girls. Just got called to the girls again. Not particularly excited. Our cub scouts and activity days meetings are held in the evenings at the same time as YM/YW. I don't agree with it. Don't think that primary age kids should be out that late on a school night. ANyway, my point is, I totally get where you are coming from.
Glad you got to work in your yard. I think that physical labor is good for the soul.
So glad you're having a good day! On the flip side, most of mine are fine, but today I'm dumpy. Been on the computer taking care of "stuff" for wayyyyy too long and now I feel like my day is wasted ... even though there's plenty of time left. Good for you for getting up and out first thing!
I have definitely had callings like that where I've felt like I really could have been better, but just wasn't. Agree about the cub scouts thing, although I'm curious to see whether my little guy likes it or not when he gets bigger. We'll see.
I have also had the bittersweet feeling of having my kids tell me I'm the "best mom ever" when I know so many other moms who do so much more than me. I don't know whether to be happy that my kids are OK with my meager efforts or to be sad that they don't know any better.
Thank goodness my ward doesn't have a cub scouts program because I know I would absolutely hate that calling. I'm glad that you are going to be released. It is awful to have a calling that you just can't get into.
I am celebrating (next month) the anniversary of my release from Webelos (after 2 years!). I felt just like you. I think I was a pretty good leader, and I had a great partner, but I don't looove scouting and I strongly dislike a number of things about it. I think I'd be at least kind of more interested (maybe) when my boys are old enough. A it was, it was hard to feel very invested.
And I thought I was the only one who hadn't made peace with the relationship between the BSA and The Church ...
Then again, I haven't made peace with a lot of things involving The Church. I always appreciate your posts and your attempts to find the silver lining in everything. It is a breath of fresh air. :)
Ooooh. Scouts. Ya. We're there. It's not pretty. Icky, icky.
I go through long periods of nor-productivity ALL THE TIME. You're not alone on that front.
And even though your son has nothing to compare you with, he still thinks your the best. There's something to be said for that!
non-productivity, that is.
I've had that calling! I had it for two years, it is the only calling in this church I ever considered asking to be released from; so sad to admit it. None of my kids were scouts, and we were adopting Molly and Lucy. It was hard hard hard. The blessing in it all? Porter cannot wait to be a scout, and I have much more of a testimony of the value of that program than I ever had before...Im so glad Gator got to experience it with you, of course you are the best to him, and who else do you need to impress?
I am just loving your posts on depression. They are helping me just accept where I am.
I could sleep forever right now. I have slept so much that here it is 4 am and I am awake reading. I think I will go clean my kitchen but I am drawn to read about you.
I am in a ton of pain right now. My Father in Law's death has really drug up so much pain because of all my unfinished business with my dad. God, it all hurts like Hell and I want to run away. Thanks for listening.
xoxo
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