Scenes from our trip to Yellowstone

We had a glorious time. If you haven't ever been there, put spending a few days in Yellowstone National Park on your Bucket List. You won't regret it.

Grateful for:
1) National Parks
2) The kindness of Cap'n Holman for loaning us his camper
3) A successful family vacation.

It's not blue...

...but yellow is a nice color too!

So today we are headed out for a family trip to the first national park established in the world. I'll be doing something very rare, and that is going without internet access for a whole week. We'll see how I handle the withdrawal.

See you soon!

Grateful for
1) a break
2) the loan of an RV
3) a beautiful natural resource to visit.

Timely Reminder...

A message from one of the leaders in my church from a few months ago.


Grateful for:
1) Heavenly Father
2) My Savior
3) Those who have helped me in my hard times

tricky

it's father's day today. eight months have passed since i first read this post, which i found so riveting at the time. despite a lot of effort and work on my part, right now it doesn't really feel like i've made any progress in my struggles with my father (or mother) in the intervening months. though in fact, being presently embroiled in feelings i've ignored all my life is progress. just today nothing feels good.

father's day is tricky for me.

still trying to be grateful:
1) help
2) patience

I owe my blog-esteem to Star Wars

We've all been there, we bloggers. Wrestling with the temptation to blog for dollars comments, or in some cases, visitors. I've been through the whole spectrum of motives...from wishing I were brilliant or witty like some of the bloggers out there with tremendous followings, to debating whether or not to turn comments off entirely so as to not be writing for feedback or validation. I mean, what does it take to get my closest friends to read my blog?! As far as I know none of them do. And most of my relatives only read it sporadically, if ever.

Somewhere along the line I stopped caring about getting comments from my readers, and made peace with just blogging for my own personal gratification. This, may I add, is a huge relief. In addition, I only leave comments on other blogs when I genuinely want to. No "tit-for-tat" commenting any more.

But I DO have a site meeter tracking visits to my blog. And I confess it IS gratifying to know that I have some people who stop by and see what I'm up to. In fact I have quite a regular following here. There's my faithful reader in Modesto, CA (hi Modesto!), and the one in Marietta, GA (howdy Marietta!), and then there's the person in Houston who comes in via my friend Shelah's blog (hi Shelah's blog friend in Houston!). Oh, can't forget UC Davis...Yo! Whasssup?!

Anyway, suffice to say I ♥ my readers. Even if they've you've never commented and I have no idea why they you bother stopping by regularly, it does give me a little warm fuzzy to know I'm not alone here. It's like that classic Jim Cary line from The Mask (starting at 1:35).

That said, there's something rewarding about checking my site meter and seeing hundreds of visitors, from all over planet earth, coming here to my humble blog. The only thing is, 99% of them are here for one thing and one thing only: my Star Wars Birthday Party post.

Yes, I owe my modestly impressive stats and the self-esteem gained by them to the fact that I pulled off a great Star Wars party a few years back, and blogged about it last August. Though they don't comment, I get hundreds of visitors to my blog every week, seeking ideas about hosting a Star Wars birthday party.

Guess there really is something to that whole force business after all!
♥

Grateful for:
1) the ability to make awesome birthday cakes for my family
2) my lurkers
3) the laptop I write on

Wishing for a total eclipse of the ♥

A friend of mine who has never been close to her mother has had an amazing six weeks. It was the begining of May when her mom called out of the blue and apologized for how she'd been towards my friend (her daughter) all her life. She hadn't been nice. And they'd had a strained relationship for years because of it.

Somehow that conversation began the most miraculous, healing impact on my friend and her relationship with her mom. During that same phone call, her mom also told her that she'd just been diagnosed with the most treatable form of liver cancer. So just as their relationship started to turn around, and they were both enjoying each other for the first time in their lives, they were also facing a time-constraint.

Little did she know that day that in just six short weeks her mother would be gone.

As I've had the chance to learn little snippets of how this mighty change of heart has happened for my friend, I've wondered over and over if someday I, too, will have an experience like that. Heaven knows I've prayed for years to be healed inside. To move beyond the experiences of my past and find peace about my upbringing. I've wondered if there was some magic formula that I just hadn't plugged in yet. I'm fascinated by my friend's experience of healing, seemingly in a New York Minute, and the joy she was able to experience with her mother for the last six weeks before she passed away today.

How does that happen?!

Grateful for:
1) Friends
2) Hope
3) Health

The Iceberg, The Jacaranda, and the Phoenix

The tissues in his office are especially soft, probably the kind with lotion or something. I know this because I use a lot of them, as I gingerly weep my way through each appointment.

It’s exhausting work. And it is work. Weekly I show up and sit on his couch and allow myself to inch closer to the pain. He assures me that by being courageous enough to experience my feelings, they will eventually dissipate. That there isn’t an eternal supply of tears. I'm learning to trust him.

He’s taught me that the process of grieving has various stages: denial and shock, sadness and anger and, eventually, acceptance. He's shared that grieving is essentially what I'm doing. And that when one grieves, these stages don't necessarily happen in order...you go back and forth, in and out of them. Right now I'm mostly in the sad stage, but it's okay to be there right now.

He’s teaching me how to “sit with it”…”it” being that dark place within that contains all the abuse...instead of dancing away whenever I get too close, like a moth drawn to bright lights. Those bright lights have been my constant distraction from what lies beneath the surface as far back as I can remember. But "it" doesn't reach all the way to my spirit...that part of me has been sequestered for all but fleeting moments of my life. Facing the darkness has always been too painful, and I have been too afraid. This work requires a high level of personal honesty and trust.

If I could paint well, I’d create a scene. Many scenes, actually. Scenes that would depict the images I have in my mind right now about my life, the process of healing and growing that I’m engaged in, and my feelings.

One of my paintings would be of an iceberg, with only the very smallest tip peeking above the water. It’d be the kind of painting that’s like a slice of the ocean from the side, where you can see the immense mass that lies just beneath the surface, as well as above the water. This iceberg represents the pain and strife that I’ve done my doggone best to keep under water, ignore and pretend away all my life. I’m finally calling it forth, and with the help and guidance of my very awesome therapist, I am melting that huge hunk of ice. It won’t succeed in sinking this titanic blue soul.

Another scene would be my hand, palm up, and in the center of my palm would be a tree seed. Perhaps a flowering Jacaranda. Only instead of just seeing the seed coat, you’d be able to see inside, where the entire tree...in it’s flawless completeness, is already fully-formed. Every root, branch, twig and leaf, just waiting to emerge from it’s microscopic, glorious perfection…because the whole tree is contained inside that tiny little seed. And because all that is truly me is and always will be safely in tact. I am just still cutting my way to a clear path of congruency.

A third scene would be a phoenix, rising up from the ashes she has just emerged from. Whole, complete, new, powerful and magnificent. Having left behind the remains of her past self, she is a new creature, with unlimited possibilities before her. She gets to decide who she is and how she is…completely free of the labels, chains, and filters of her past.

These are some of the images that float through my mind as I go through this process. I fantasize about being enough of an artist to be able to capture them with paint. Oil or acrylic, specifically. I’ve never used oil before, and had only a feeble attempt at acrylic a year ago that was quite unsatisfying to be honest. But maybe someday I'll get there.

I also yearn to play out the feelings in my soul on the piano, or cello, or bass...though I've never touched a cello or bass in my life. I dream about capturing my thoughts in prose or poetry, or designing them into an amazing garden setting filled with beauty and the sound of running water. But then I awake, and the words flit away, and that garden is presently beyond my reach.

Still, I dream of finally setting myself free. Of being that phoenix, that Jacaranda, that pure, clear, freshly melted iceberg water. One of these days...

Grateful for:

1) my therapist…aka Head Coach on Team Blue. In addition to soft tissues, he’s got a gift for doing what he does. He gives me hope.
2) That I still have the chance to figure out what I plan to do with my one wild and precious life.
3) The souls who allow for me to flex, change, and grow, and support me through the process. Who don’t try to make me revert back to the Blue they knew before I started growing and evolving.

Cheer Up

My little Bunch has always been a songbird, humming while she played even as a toddler, and making up little songs. I loved listening to her chirping along while she was in the bathtub or playing in her room.

When she was eleven, she wrote a song called Cheer Up, and today she performed it live at the sixth grade talent show in front of all her peers. She wasn't quite ready to accompany herself and sing at the same time, so Doc played it on his guitar and I recorded it onto a CD for her. Doc was on call today and couldn't be there to see it, so I made a video for him, which I thought I'd post here too.

It was her last day of elementary school, and she is quite sad about this. No more recess. No more riding the bus to school. She has had a marvelous experience here, with darling friends and some amazing teachers. Yesterday I was rummaging through my garage and found a little jacket she got when she was born, and it was so small that I caught my breath and choked back tears. Where have the years gone so quickly? I can't believe she fit that just 12 years ago!

I love this kid.

Blessings:
1) Great schools
2) Great kids
3) Summer!!!!!!!
♥
Though it goes without saying, this song is copyright 2008 by Blue Jeuls' daughter

Derailed

I had a lot of things planned for today. A lot. But yesterday happened, and now I'm just recuperating. Alert: I may sound whiny right now.

See this blue thing? Do NOT be deceived by it's interesting shape, or lovely color.
It is a nasty virus. And last night it waged nuclear war with my body.

It's been a while since I felt that sick. In fact, the last time I was that miserable, I ended up in the hospital for a week in Washington DC. Happily, I no longer have a gallbladder gone septic.

Thankfully, my personal Doc diagnosed me with a good-ole'-fashioned case of gastroenteritis. I'm glad it wasn't something else, because it truly felt like I'd been poisoned or something.

About 4:30 a.m. Doc got up to start his day at the hospital, but upon finding me still writhing on the floor, he dashed over to 7-11 and picked up some Gatorade for me. This saved me. I was so parched, but plain water just wouldn't stay down, and I think I was very dehydrated. Finally quenched, I was able to start recovering. As I sipped my Gatorade, I was so grateful to Doc. I have no idea how people who live alone survive things. I was really really messed up!

So today instead of Gator's class party, which I was supposed to be doing, and the appointments I had scheduled, I've been napping on and off to make up for no sleep all night. That "off" part is due to some kind of road construction that is going on outside, which is vibrating my whole house and making quite a ruckus. But maybe this means we'll have nice, pot-hole free streets to drive on! Here's hoping!

Blessings:
1) Making it through the night...cause there were moments when I wasn't so sure about that.
2) Gatorade
3) Doc ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥