The Meadow

“Often small acts of service are all that is required to lift and bless another. True words of encouragement require only a loving and caring heart but may have an eternal impact on the life of those around you.” ~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The one recurring dream I had as a child, was that there was this hole in the ground which had no end. Anything that went down the hole would fall forever and ever. In my dream it was where they put bad guys who’d been convicted of serious crimes. In the hole they could never hurt anyone else, because they would fall forever till they died, and then their bodies would rot and their bones would continue falling and falling evermore.

The hole was covered with a manhole lid, which was removed on a daily basis to drop down fruit that the convicts could eat, if they ever managed to catch the things falling past them in the dark.

In my dream, I had accidentally fallen in, much to my terror. There were a few slim iron handhold bars near the top of the hole, just like a manhole has. Sometimes I’d manage to catch one right as I slipped in, and would spend the rest of my dream frantically try to crawl back up. Sometimes I missed the bars and kept falling, but would keep trying to brace myself a little further down and span the width of the tunnel to try and inch my way back out of this irreversible predicament. I could see the light at the top, but I never could actually reach the surface in my dream.

This dream reminds me of how I felt during the first few decades of my life. It was as though I existed in a deep abyss…like a tunnel that went down forever with no end in sight. It was dark. It was often lonely. I felt inadequate as a rule. Sometimes I got banged up. I was probably depressed without knowing what that even was. But it was all the existence I knew. I had no experience outside the abyss, which in some ways was actually a tender mercy.

Still, there was always a glint of light in the distance, beckoning, urging me to keep on climbing upwards. Though I often felt like it was futile to keep trying, something in me kept prodding me onward. And when my own resolve seemed to run dry, there were kindnesses shown by others that restored hope, renewed determination, gave me a needed boost from beneath. The older I’ve gotten, the more frequently these boosts seem to have come.

The past twenty years have been wildly better than the first twenty were…in large measure because of Doc and his steady, constant support, and love. When he came into my life, I was able to stop trying to conceal the fact that I was an “abyss dweller”, and use that freed-up energy to begin to blossom where I was at the time. I've also had countless friends, and even the kindness of strangers, unknowingly give me the little extra support I needed to see me through a difficult patch.

It’s been slow. There have been countless setbacks and hurdles. Most of the time I’ve been confused about how to successfully move forward. But I’ve never before felt as genuinely happy and peaceful inside as I do right now. It’s like I’ve finally emerged from the abyss, and have found myself in a brook-gladdened meadow…the likes of which I had only imagined existed before. There is beauty all around, and it’s clear and bright. The rain is refreshing and the sun warms me from the inside out.

I can see mountains in the distance. They tower high above the clouds and across the horizon. I know there are hard days ahead still. There will even be ruts and hills in this beautiful meadow-season I’m enjoying. But my heart is filled with gratitude for this place I’m in right now. For the sense of who I really am, for the happy outlook, for the patience, peace and joy that I presently enjoy.

Such are the seasons we all experience. Most of life seems to be custom-designed to refine us by the fires of challenge, trial, and error. It’s those small acts of service, and those kind words shared lovingly with others, that beautify the meadows of life, that assist us over the craggy mountains, and ease the burden of existing in the darkest abyss.

I am so grateful to those dear ones who have been the light, the voice of encouragement, who’ve given the gifts of love and friendship that have brought me to this point. Even the smallest kindness has helped me to find this place. I only hope I can do the same for others with my words and deeds. And I hope I will be grateful for the memories of the meadow when I'm clinging to the side of a cliff somewhere in the future. I'll be counting on you to remind me!

♥