What the heck were we thinking?

So Friday night Doc and I went to a dinner at the medical school. It was called "Medical Marriages", and the event was specifically aimed at married couples who are in medicine. They had a panel of doctors and their wives (yes, all the doctors were male...which was unfortunate since there are plenty of female doctors who are married. But at least the panelists were sensitive to that, and regularly acknowledged it in their comments), and these panelists talked about how to manage marriage and family while going to school, through residency and life beyond. They fielded questions that people submitted, and really did a fair job of painting a picture about what we're in for.

Then today I chatted with a friend whose husband is a mere five months away from completing his fellowship. This summer, they'll at last be done with the school/residency phase, and move into the "real doctor" stage of life. (Technically you're a doctor once you graduate from medical school. But don't try to tell some patients that!) My friend and her Dr. husband have four children nine and under. I stand in complete awe of what she's managed to do for her family through the past ten years.

So today I asked her "how did you guys do it?"

Her advice was, "Have a quiet room that you can just go to and cry".

Some of the panelists had similar advice. You just have to make peace with the fact that they're not going to be there. They're going to miss holidays and birthdays and special events. And when they are home, the majority of the time they just need to sleep. The panel doctors said that they tried to spend 20 minutes a day with their families. A lot of their comments centered on staying connected to the kids, with less focus on the marriage (which was ironic, since that was the topic!)

Any way, it was useful to hear what we're about to head into. To get a sense of some of the rigors we'll face in the next 8 years. The focus seemed to be primarily on prepping the wives to "fly solo" for the duration. It seemed comparable to saying, "There's a massive tsunami headed your way, and you're going to have to handle it essentially alone. Your student spouse may float by or blow through your lives for fleeting moments here and there, but the wind and flooding and deprivation are going to be mostly yours to weather. Oh, and if you're successful, you'll be able to shield your kids from the worst of it."

The keys, the wives on the panel advocated, were to keep our perspective, cultivate a sense of humor and a good attitude about the process, to not get bitter about the field of medicine, and to be grateful our spouse was the one standing and not the one lying on the gurney or table. "Many have gone before", they said, "and you'll get through too".

All useful suggestions regardless of what you're going through in life. And I really appreciated that there wasn't a single word mentioned about the failure rate...it primarily focused on how to succeed and cope.

Still, what were we thinking? I'm half joking, of course. Because if anyone was ever destined to go into medicine, it is Doc. Even if he's doing it mid-way through life. He's amazing. It's the right thing for him, and so we'll get through it. And I intend to do so without putting life on hold for the rest of us too! ♥