Hobnob

Tonight we chilled with our buddy, Senator Orrin Hatch.

Okay, we're not really buddies. But we did hang out with him and he said I was pretty. I bet he kisses babies, too! :-)

Calling All Music Mavens

Okay, maybe not ALL.  Let me explain:

One thing I'm very committed to is creating magic in my kids' lives.  Birthdays are a big part of this, and I've always tried to create cakes and surprises to delight and enchant my little darlings. 

Bunch's birthday this year is kind of special...she turns fifteen on 11/11/11, which is such a fun date...it only happens once a century (see how I'm good at math like that?), PLUS it's on a Friday this year. FunFunFunFun!

So I was trying to think of what to do for her a while back.  Till now we've just had a bunch of girls at her parties, but her absolute MOST FAVORITE thing in the world are the big youth dances our church has three times a year, which you can start attending at age 14. She has loved them this past year, but wishes they'd have them at least once a month. 

Bunch before the most recent dance

So I started looking into it and thinking about what it would take to pull off hosting a dance.  With some thought I decided that why yes, I do believe I have what it takes. 

Because of limited cash flow (who needs a real DJ anyway) it's going to be an iPod Dance Party which is all the rage now I hear (when I'm in an echoey room). Plus my awesome brother in law agreed to be our MC slash DJ and the kids will love him because, seriously, FUNNIEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET. If funny=crazynaturalentertainer. So really, what else do I need (#SpeakersFoodBouncers)

But as for the music part, I'm going to need some help.  

And that is where YOU come in.  Because I have NO IDEA what songs to get for a youth dance.  I'm betting the kids wouldn't be super impressed if I load up my favorites and turn the Platters lose on them. #tooclassy

So dear readers, lurkers and friends, help a hopelessly-lost-in-the-musical-past-momma out. Leave a comment with suggestions of songs that are appropriate for kids at a  dance in a church  (read: not explicit, no suggestive or profane lyrics, yet current, with good dance-beat and popular with kids today). I'll be hitting Amazon.com music downloads and creating a playlist before the big day, and could use all the input I can get.  Bunch has plenty of slow song ideas, but the fasties are where we're both in need of major help.

When I finally told her what we are planning, she was SUPEREXCITEDTOTHEMAX.  Her first comment was "I don't want anything except this dance for my birthday. And let's have people bring a donation for the Utah Food Bank for admission!" What a BRILLIANT idea! 

So that's the scoop.  We’ll be collecting food for the hungry and have an awesome dance party while celebrating the once-a-century date.  It’s a bit of a stretch for me as I’m unaccustomed to heading up really big events, but I think it’s under control. A lot of amazing people have offered to come and help out, so I'm sure it'll be awesome as long as BOYS show up!*

So, hit me with your best shot songs...fire away (guessing that's not one of them.)  Thanks!!!

xoxo, 

Blue

*Note to my local friends who are Mothers of Boys...(okay fine, girls too), we'd love to have your children join us if they're the gotta get footloose type. Please let me know if you'd like more information.

How It Went

Hi guys!

Okay, I think a little background info is in order before following up on my last post.  

As I've mentioned before, it's been years since I cut off contact with my parents.  Five, in fact.  

At that time I wasn't sure how long it might be. I didn't really have a plan, I just knew that for my own sanity, I needed some distance and time to heal from the abuse and neglect of my childhood, and that just wasn't happening as long as they were in the picture. I tried to be nice about it, but really, there's no way something like that doesn't hurt. And I hate hurting people.

A year later I checked in with my mother while she was visiting a friend who lives near me. I told her I still wasn't ready to resume contact. 

Another year passed and that's when I confronted my father (as I wrote about and linked to in my previous post).  That was three years ago.  

I described part of my journey to this point in a talk I gave this past April, which explains how I was able to get to the point I was at last Christmas Eve, when I sent them a long email, the heart of which was to tell them: 

I’ve been working hard and praying hard, and I want you to know that I forgive you both for the things that you did, and didn’t do, which have caused me pain.  I know you are both good-hearted people with good intentions. We kids were a handful and you did what you could, and some things you couldn’t do, but we all at least survived, and I’m grateful for what I’ve learned so far in my life.  I really am."

So again, I want you to know that I do forgive you, and I’ve been praying for you both, but unfortunately I’m still very uncomfortable about having you in my life. And I’m sorry about that, but it’s just where I’m at.

Which brings us up to this past Saturday when my father called.

Since you're probably curious to know, I will tell you that overall, dinner went pretty well. I was noticeably quieter than usual; not really comfortable, but trying to be pleasant. But my typically reserved, "back row kind of guy" husband really stepped up to the plate and was conversant, engaging and sociable.  My sweet girl was her cheery, normal self. And even Gator, who didn't really want to go, also did just fine. It all made me feel so supported, thankful for, and in love with my little family! (And then I came home and had several lovely notes of support from my bloggy friends.  Imy bloggy friends!  Thanks for the notes and emails!)

As we were leaving the restaurant my father asked if there was a time we could talk before they left town. I didn't have my calendar on me, so I told him I'd call and let him know.  (By the way: Did you know that buying yourself a little time in situations like this is actually part of having healthy boundaries? I didn't realize that until my therapist mentioned it yesterday.)

I can't say I actually wanted to meet again, but I felt like I should at least make an effort to hear what he wanted to say.  So I called Sunday night and arranged to meet for breakfast on Monday morning.  At the last moment, my mother asked if it was okay to bring my brother Davis along.  "ABSOLUTELY!"  (SO glad I didn't have to do it alone!)

We met at IHOP and after a few minutes of chitchat my dad dove in.  I wasn't sure if he was going to announce that he was terminally ill and had just weeks to live, or what.  But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that really, it was just about the family stuff.

One thing they were both a bit confused about was how come things aren't better between us, since I've supposedly forgiven them.  We (Davis and I) had to explain that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.  And honestly, I don't think that he EVER realized this before.  I could see the dawning of understanding in his eyes as we explained this concept to him.  Forgiving him didn't mean we trusted them, or felt comfortable being with them.  

I should have used the example (but I didn't think of it at the moment) of Sigfried and Roy, who had the most visited show in Las Vegas, until one night during a performance, Roy was bitten on the neck by a seven-year-old male tiger named Montecore, and dragged off the stage. He suffered severe blood loss, a stroke and partial paralysis and has spent years in rehabilitation.

These men loved that tiger. They'd raised him from a cub and spent time with him every day of his life. But this event changed their relationship forever.  They could forgive the tiger (if you'll excuse the example of forgiving an animal...this is a metaphor after all), they could even still love the tiger, but the trust they once had was shattered, and their show had to be permanently cancelled.  

Sometimes when things are serious enough, trust won't ever be restored 100%--at least in this life. My parents have a long way to go before I will be in a position to really trust them again. 

The other really big thing was explaining to my father that we think he has very high-functioning Asperger's, or something along those lines (my totally unprofessional diagnosis)...because he has always had a massive blind spot that he doesn't even realize is there when it comes to social issues and how interpersonal relationships work.  This was totally news to him, but all three of us insisted unanimously that it's true.

It was like trying to explain to someone that can't see the color red that there's this whole part of the spectrum that most of us are aware of, but that they didn't know existed. And we didn't realize he couldn't see it all this time, but we're starting to put the pieces together. 

So now, having had this brought to his attention, perhaps he can do some research and gain some knowledge about the matter that might make it easier for him and those around him in the future.  He just really doesn't understand how some human interactions work, and that is part of the problem (though it doesn't account for his uncontrolled temper, which thing never really did change even after the sexual abuse stopped. Discussing this part may help him be aware of why we're uncomfortable even now.) 

I can't honestly recreate much of our breakfast conversation WHICH LASTED FOUR HOURS, (made sure he left the poor, underpaid waitress a really big tip), but ultimately I feel like there was some movement for all of us I think, and over all it was probably a good thing that we had the talk. I agreed to allow limited email communication, and I was able to say some things that I probably needed to say.  

I know I don't have all the answers about this whole matter of healing and forgiving deep wounds. I'm no expert, but I DO I feel like I'm being led along, tweaked and turned in ways that will ultimately help in the (in-depth, never-ending, intensive) refining process, and I’m just trying to be humble enough to let myself be helped if possible. I share my journey here in case it might in some small way help another in their own life.

I really do hope that my parents can continue to learn and progress so that things can really improve for them.  It kind of seemed like they were still hyper-focused on me, and trying to get me to change so that things would be "all better" in our family.  I may have imagined it, but it felt like maybe they realized there were things that they still need to do and CAN do on their end.  So that gave me hope.

Thanks again for the support during this experience. It means a lot to me!

xoxo,

Blue

PS: I really will be getting to the promised Drama Triangle.  Soon!

Unexpected Call...

Dropping the bags of groceries I was carrying on the table just now, I answered the phone. It was an unfamiliar number on the caller ID. Expecting a telemarketer, (delay after answering and a poor connection), it took me a moment to catch what the caller was saying, but he asked for me by name. I said it was me, and then he told me his name. I replied "oh..........hi."  

He either didn't catch my response, or thought perhaps I'd misheard him, so he further clarified, stating his name and adding "your father". 

I haven't heard his voice in 3 years...since the last time I saw him.  It's been 4 years since I had talked to or saw my mother.  

"We're at Temple Square (downtown Salt Lake City) and even though it's last-minute, we're wondering if we can take you guys to dinner."

I'm not usually quick on my feet in such situations, so my default tendency is to decline. But I surprised myself (and probably him) by being open to the possibility.   "Let me check...can you hold on for a minute?"

I asked my family what they thought.  They agreed to the idea. So here we go...20 minutes till we meet them at a restaurant. I don't know what will happen, but I do know it won't be nothing.  Here goes...

Forget Not...

This is a little reminder from one of my favorite talks last week.  Entire talk can be found here.

 

Mini Vacation

I know yesterday I said I'd be discussing The Drama Triangle next, but I interrupt your programming with a little side post.


This week we took the kids out of school for a day and went camping in Goblin Valley, hiking through Little Wild Horse slot canyon, and visited Arches National Park again.  And seriously, I have to say, If there's a state with more amazing natural beauty than Utah, I want to hear about it.  


Since I'm the "keeper of the photos", I decided to post some here for my family so they can see them.  Good memories!

Gator climbed up on the rocks behind our campsite

Goblin Valley -- we had it all to ourselves.

Our one family pic...found a rock to use the camera timer on. We were the ONLY ONES THERE...so we had no options for all of us to be in a picture except this shot.

 It's hard to see how precarious this rock was that I'm on.

It's like Utah's own little Easter Island.

This looks so much like a great and spacious building to me!

Such a gorgeous setting to camp in.

The backdrop to our campsite

Hoodooville!

This was taken at sunrise with the light shining on the face of the rocks unlike all the others which were taken at dusk.

Kids spanning the rocks in Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

My boys. This riverbed was flooded not too long ago in the recent rains...and of course the slots were carved by water over eons.

My family

Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon...my little Bunch is scrambling up to join me.

Bunch taking a break on the Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon hike 

Path through Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

Classic Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon scene 

Hiking through Little Wild Horse Slot Canyon

Pretty spectacular hiking in Arches National Park

Kids checking out some of the CRYPTOBIOTIC SOIL that you mustn't disturb!

The Fam

Double Arch in Arches National Park

Arches National Park. I just held the camera out the window whilst driving.

Boundaries

Hi internet buddies!


I've decided to write a series of posts on some of the things I'm learning right now, because I have no idea who else might benefit from them, but I know that they're exceptionally important concepts, and since I'm paying lots of money to acquire this knowledge, I thought I'd pass it along to, you know, SHARE THE LOVE. 


As I mentioned in my last post, I've been wading through depression the past few months. In response to this, I finally found a therapist to work with, and she has been amazing at teaching me things that I, as it turns out, really didn't understand or know much about. Which begs the question, what was I paying all those other therapists for all those years? Because I can tell you one thing, I don't just sit there talking about my past. It's like I'm enrolled in a course that is filling my mind with new insights and truths at every appointment.


During my first appointment, my therapist asked me to go get the book Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine, and to read it with a high-lighter in hand, noting anything that stood out for me.  So I did.  And then I wondered how I managed to get this far in life without hearing about the whole concept of boundaries anywhere along the way. Why don't they teach this in school?!


Having nicked just the very surface of this concept, I'm now convinced that the ability to establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries is FOUNDATIONAL...that it's the base of the whole pyramid of every relationship we have in life.  Without them, nothing else works very well.  


So even though having me read a book on boundaries seemed like an odd request in the moment, I realized later that it was the perfect place to start.  After finishing the book, I spent hours doing research online to further my understanding of this elemental topic...because really, everything else rests upon this concept. 


So if you want to learn about how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, or if you don't have any idea what that even means, find a book (there are any number of them...check your library or search a bookstore), or go online and start doing some reading.  Within a few hours, you will have  a much stronger understanding of the role healthy boundaries play in all human interactions, and can start improving this aspect of your life.  


Here are some of the links I read, but there are tons if you do an online search.

• Setting Healthy Boundaries: Allowing the True Self to Emerge 
• Boundaries in the Family
• Do You Need Help in Understanding Boundaries? (Why, yes. Yes I do.)
• Establish Boundaries That Honor You
• How Good Are Your Personal Boundaries? (a free online quiz)

A search on any variation of the terms "healthy boundaries" "establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries" etc. will return an endless supply. Once you're familiar with this concept, you'll be able to start changing how some of the less-healthy relationships in your life operate. 

Next up: The Drama Triangle.  

Eating my words

I ended my last post with:

I hardly ever blog anymore, as you've probably noticed.  This place was once invaluable as an outlet while I healed and overcame things in my past. I have been so happy for a while now that the need for "blog therapy" has kind of diminished.  It may pick up in the future, or just stay sporadic as I feel inspired to write.  But no matter what, thanks, dear readers, for hanging in with me through all the twists and turns this patch of cyberspace has taken over the years.  We'll see what the future brings!

...and then promptly fell into a hole, which I still haven't climbed out of in the past couple months. This time the depression has been considerably more severe than previous episodes. I deactivated my Facebook account, damaged or broke some important relationships, and am still struggling to claw my way back out of the dark.  

I still don't feel like talking to anybody, but am working on things.  Once I have some healthy boundaries established, and have solidified the skills needed to keep them there, I hope to re-engage with people. Meanwhile, I do feel exceptionally grateful for the kindness, and in some cases, extraordinary generosity, of people who care about me. It's hard, feeling like I'm letting people down, and don't deserve any of their compassion. But I hope one day they'll know how much they mean to me, and that mattering to me will mean something useful.

Shoot!

Shot a gun for the first time in my life today.
.22 caliber rifle. 
Five bullets.
DON'T MESS WITH ME!

 

Grateful for:

1) Enormous kindness from someone I haven't seen in 7 or so years...saved my July bacon big-time!

2) Kindly, salty old-timers who teach others patiently

3) Trying something new for the first time and enjoying it!

Highlights

I haven't blogged in ages. Part of it is that so much has gone on that if I write about anything, I'll feel bad for not mentioning other things. Like how I was between flights on Mother's Day, but rather than sit in the airport all day, I was fortunate to be able to have a lovely, albeit short, visit with all my aunts and uncles and cousins.  I only have two of each, so it was a fairly small gathering.  But that was wonderful.  

And then because of a scheduling mishap, I had 2 days between flights, so I took advantage of the window to get in another superfast visit with my bestie Joni who lives in Georgia.  She always brings me happiness.  And then I was in The City another day and my dear Keri met me for a bite to eat and a show on Broadway...we saw Catch Me If You Can, before taking the train to her house in CT for a short night's sleep before I flew out again.  So that was a lot of fun, too.  I have said it before and I stand by the claim still: There is no way your friends are better than my friends. :-)

And in other news: My youngest sister lives in Hawaii.  I hadn't been to see her there in two years, so I flew over as a surprise during President's Day. I didn't tell anyone I was coming.  I knew she was running in the Great Aloah Race that weekend, and I decided to go cheer her on.  So I flew in, took the bus to her house and she and her family weren't home. So I broke in (heh heh heh. Sneaky.) and waited till they returned.  I talked to her on the phone a few times while she was out, and she had NO IDEA I was waiting for her at the house.  That was so much fun to surprise them all!  

It was a great weekend.  But even though it was short, it wasn't too sad when we parted, because in five more weeks she was attending a conference in Denver for work, and had asked if I was interested in joining her.  As if she even needed to ask!  I hopped on a plane and we had a fun weekend together. I hung out during the day while she was at the conference, and we ate lots of tasties, met up with our cousin who lives there for a fun day, saw Red Rocks ampitheater and got my daily vitamin G (gelato).  It was great.  Saying goodbye at that airport was a little more difficult, because I wasn't expecting to see her again anytime soon.

Two weeks ago, though, she collapsed but was able to call 911.  Two ambulance rides and two hospitals later, things went south and it was dicey, but prayers were answered and she's still alive, though she lost a baby.  I jumped on a plane the day after she got home from the hospital and spent a week there helping out with the kids and "keeping them safe" (what the kids tasked me with) while she recuperated. And I did my best.  So grateful for my job that allows me to move about the country free of charge so easily!

My kids finished their school year last week.  I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that my little tiny "she-was-just-an-itty-baby-three-months-ago-wasn't-she?!" daughter is now a FRESHMAN(!?!)  And my sweet Gator?  He's going into sixth grade!  That's when so many really crappy things began to happen at school during my childhood.  But it makes me really happy that both of them are having happy childhoods.  Gator recently wrote a card saying "thanks for making my kidhood so great!"  (Do you agree that "kidhood" should be added to the dictionary?)  I couldn't be more pleased with these two darlings.  They delight me.

Hmm...in other news I went off sugar for two months.  Just kind of an experiment, and also because I was a complete addict. Did you know there was such thing?!  I consulted uncle Google and found out there IS!  I decided I needed to reign in the sugar cravings.  It was miserable for the first 3 weeks.  I was in complete withdrawal and seriously wondered if there would ever be happiness in my life again.  But eventually the cravings subsided and I feel proud of my accomplishment.  Now I'm trying to be moderate in my treat consumption. If I can't handle moderation, I'll have to go back to complete deprivation. 

A friend and I went to a free concert by Mindy Gledhill, whose music I discovered recently and fell in love with.  It was great. 

Also my sister who lives in CA came for a quick visit during a road trip and spent two nights here. She had a friend guy with her, and the two of them have the same names as my kids (it may come as a shocking revelation, but Bunch & Gator aren't really named "Bunch & Gator") so it was really confusing and fun.  I never get to see both sisters within a five-day period. 

It is notable that Doc has just finished up his intern year.  We SURVIVED!  It's so fun to see him enjoying life in a way that he really hasn't been able to for a long time.  He's going on a trip tomorrow to his bestie's house (can guys have besties?) and using some vacay time.  He starts residency in Radiology next month.

Up next on the fun-o-meter: A massive family reunion trip to an amazing tropical resort in our near future. I'll probably make that it's own post.  Just for documentation purposes.  

I hardly ever blog anymore, as you've probably noticed.  This place was once invaluable as an outlet while I healed and overcame things in my past. I have been so happy for a while now that the need for "blog therapy" has kind of diminished.  It may pick up in the future, or just stay sporadic as I feel inspired to write.  But no matter what, thanks, dear readers, for hanging in with me through all the twists and turns this patch of cyberspace has taken over the years.  We'll see what the future brings!

Grateful for:
1) Bagels (that's a story, too)

2) Chances to make a difference

3) Divine intervention in daily life