Hello Bloggy Friends!
This past Sunday I gave a talk in church. Afterward, quite a few people asked if I would send it to them, and one person even sent me a letter via USPS mail encouraging me to publish it (first non-bill mail in a good while!). Since this blog is the only place I "publish", I've decided to post it. It's a bit long (took me 17 minutes to speak) and is a departure from most of my blog posts, so please don't feel compelled to read it.
I confess I wrestled with telling part of the talk--it is a personal experience that I haven't discussed before. But I felt impressed that I should share it. After all, we aren't given our insights to keep to ourselves. So for those who are interested, I hope you enjoy it. If you'd rather listen to the mp3 version, I could email it upon request (Bunch recorded it because Doc was working and wasn't there to hear me speak). So fwiw, here it is...
~Blue
When Scott emailed and asked me to call him, you know, it honestly never even cross my mind that he would be asking me to speak, so I happily picked up the phone and made the call.
Now, since I graduated from high school somemumblemumble years ago, I’ve spoken in church exactly six times, and each was either shortly after we moved in, or right before we moved out of a ward. For the record, I should mention that we are not planning to move anywhere anytime soon.
So obviously,
I agreed to speak. And as nice as it would have been if he’d assigned me to talk about something like
how chocolate relates to the gospel, I have actually been asked to speak today about the matter of
judging, condemning, and
forgiving others.
Some of you, upon hearing my topic, might have just now decided this is a fine time for an afternoon nap. But before you nod off, I’d like to mention that one of the things that contributes to us making judgements is something referred to as “SET”, as in mind-set.
For example, in a race, when we say “ready...,
SET...”, the runners are in a state of readiness to “go”. They expect to start running. Similarly, we often have a mind
set, or
expectation, about what something, or someone, is going to be like, and this pre-set notion often predisposes us to judging or closing ourselves off.
In one experiment, a lecturer was introduced to a class of college students as a “warm” person and to another class as a “cold” person. After his lecture, the first group not only had a more favorable impression of him than did the second group, but they also had interacted more with him
during the lecture. The students’
expectations of what he would be like influenced not only their impressions of him, but also their behavior
toward him.
President N. Eldon Tanner said “If we will always look for the best in others, in our friends, in our neighbors, in our wife, in our husband, in our children, they will turn out to be the most wonderful people in the world. On the other hand, if we are looking for their weaknesses and faults and enlarge upon them, these same people may become
even despicable.”
SO in light of this I just want to preface the rest of my remarks by letting you know how greatly you are going to enjoy church today! Feel free to expect it to be fantastic, (because I could certainly use the help!)
There is a doctrine underlying the subject of judging. It was taught when a lawyer asked the Savior, “Which is the great commandment in the law?” (
Matt. 22:36).
Jesus answered:
“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. “This is the first and great commandment. “And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. “On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40).
Clearly, our ability to love others is intricately tied to our view of them. The scriptures are replete with examples about why we shouldn’t judge or condemn others, and what the consequences, to both them and ourselves is, when we do.
The apostle Dallin H. Oaks, who was a judge by profession, was puzzled by how some scriptures command us
not to judge and others instruct us that we
should judge -- and even tell us
how to do it. But as he studied the subject, he became convinced that these seemingly contradictory directions are actually consistent,
when we view them with the perspective of eternity. He stated “The key is to understand that there are two kinds of judging:
final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and
intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make, but upon righteous principles.”
Final judgement refers to the time when all of us will stand before the judgment seat of Christ to be judged according to our works. We presume to make final judgments whenever we proclaim that any particular person is going to hell (or to heaven) for a particular act, or as of a particular time.
We must refrain from making final judgments on people because we lack the knowledge and the wisdom to do so. The Lord’s way of final judgment will be to apply His perfect knowledge of
the law a person has received and to judge on the basis of that person’s circumstances, motives, and actions throughout his or her entire life.
The Savior taught us about this form of condemning another person in the account of the woman taken in adultery in John chapter 8. After the crowd who intended to stone her had departed, Jesus asked her about her accusers. “Hath no man condemned thee?” When she answered no, Jesus declared, “Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more”.
The Lord
obviously did not justify the woman’s sin. He simply told her that He did not condemn her—that is,
He would not pass final judgment on her at that time. This interpretation is confirmed by what He then said to the Pharisees: “Ye judge after the flesh; I judge no man” (
John 8:15). The woman taken in adultery was granted time to repent, time that would have been denied by those who wanted to stone her.
The Savior gave this same teaching on another occasion: “And if any man hear my words, and believe not, I judge him not: for I came not to judge the world, but to save the world” (
John 12:47).
The majority of probably us don’t spend a lot of time passing final judgement on others, but what we likely do struggle with on a regular basis is intermediate judgement.
Stereotypes are opinions of another, based on such superficial things as their:
Car, bike, house, yard, hobbies, talents, education, degree, profession, employer, politics, neighborhood, nationality, religion, race, age, gender, friendships, personality, piercings, tattoos, attractiveness, body weight, clothing, hairstyle, their single, married, widowed, or divorced status, family size, how their kids are “turning out”, callings they’ve held, status in the community, who they’re friends with, their school or alma mater, their favorite sport teams, known successes and accomplishments, or known mistakes or failures.
Obviously, our own experiences affect how we perceive others. We tend to use ourselves and our experiences as a frame of reference for judging the behavior of others.
A newspaper columnist, Sidney J. Harris, once vividly depicted one way we do this:
“I am the man in the middle; for the middle is, by my definition, where I stand. … I am a ‘friendly’ sort of person; anyone more friendly than I is ‘familiar’; anyone less friendly than I is ‘aloof.’ I am an ‘open’ person; anyone more open than I is ‘brutally frank’; anyone less open than I is ‘devious.’ … I am a ‘determined’ person; anyone more determined than I is ‘pig-headed’; anyone less determined than I is ‘indecisive.’ … I am a ‘realistic’ person; anyone more realistic than I is ‘cynical’; anyone less realistic than I is ‘naive.’ …”
Even if our stereotypes were accurate and we could perceive intent as well as behavior, we would still not be qualified to judge. The Lord indicated the reason for this in his Sermon on the Mount when he told us to not be too concerned about the mote in our brother’s eye until we get the beam out of our own eye. (
Matt. 7:3–5) Despite what we like to believe about ourselves,
we are not the man in the middle.
How we secretly judge can influence how we interact with others, even if we think we’re “keeping them to ourselves” by not voicing critical opinions. Which brings me to the matter of
condemning.
One of the most common ways of condemning others is through gossip.
N. Eldon Tanner once said:
Gossip is the worst form of judging. The tongue is the most dangerous, destructive, and deadly weapon available to man. A vicious tongue can ruin the reputation and even the future of the one attacked. Insidious attacks against one’s reputation, loathsome innuendoes, half-lies about an individual are as deadly as those insect parasites that kill the heart and life of a mighty oak. They are so stealthy and cowardly that one cannot guard against them. As someone has said, “It is easier to dodge an elephant than a microbe.”
Brigham Young had much to say about this matter:
“Respect one another; do not speak lightly of each other. Some, if they get a little pique against an individual, are disposed to cast him down to hell, as not worthy of a place upon earth. O fools!~not to understand that those you condemn are the workmanship of God, as well as yourselves! God overlooks their weaknesses; and so far as they do good, they are as acceptable as we are. Thank God that you know better, and be full of mercy and kindness
.
“If your neighbors talk about you, and you think that they do wrong in speaking evil of you, do not let them know that you ever heard a word, and conduct yourselves as if they always did right.”
“Let all Latter-day Saints learn that the weaknesses of their brethren are not sins. When men or women undesignedly commit a wrong, do not attribute that to them as a sin. Let us learn to be compassionate one with another; let mercy and kindness soften every angry and fretful temper, that we may become long-suffering and beneficial in all our communications one with another.”
President Tanner remarked
“If there be one place in life where the attitude of the agnostic is acceptable, it is in this matter of judging. It is the courage to say, “I don’t know. I am waiting for further evidence. I must hear both sides of the question.”
It’s no coincidence that frequently, when the Lord mentions judging and condemning, He also reminds us to forgive, so that we can be forgiven. During our most recent stake conference a talk was given about how at times, it’s much easier to say “I’m sorry”, than it is for the other person to say “I forgive you”, and I feel like in my life, that has been absolutely true. but I have a testimony about forgiveness, and how it relates to the atonement, and I would like, for the remainder of my remarks, to share how I obtained it with you.
My childhood was marked by neglect and abuse. When I was small, I learned the gospel at church and knew that forgiving others was important, and tried my best to just be good and pretend that everything was okay so that those who had hurt me wouldn’t feel bad about what they had done. That was how I coped during all those years.
I didn’t realize at the time that there is a difference between letting things go (avoiding dealing with them, ignoring the pain they inflicted and the consequences associated with it), and forgiving another. Can I repeat that? There is an important distinction between letting things go, and forgiving another in our hearts.
It wasn’t until I was an adult that, for the first time, everything that had happened was discussed. I was told at that time that it was my job to forgive, and I didn’t disagree...because I knew that was what I must do.
I said the words...I honestly meant them. And I had a prayer about the situation...told Heavenly Father now that everything was out in the open, that I forgave them and was going to just carry on as though it had never happened.
For years I honestly thought I had forgiven them, because I truly wanted them to have happy lives, and wished them no harm, and forced myself to behave as though it was all forgotten whenever we interacted. But I had this heavy weight with me ALL THE TIME, like a little dark cloud following me around. And it was taking it’s toll.
A few years ago I finally started to wonder if maybe I hadn’t forgiven them, because of how I was feeling inside still. I listened to talks about forgiveness, pleaded with God for help and reprieve, and wondered what I was doing wrong because I was still mired by the past.
I wanted to know
HOW forgiveness actually happens.
Were there some magic words I needed to chant or something? Because I clearly didn’t get it.
How does the atonement actually work?!, I wondered. HOW does one accept the wondrous invitation to “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (
Matthew 11:28). Because I needed rest.
Then a year ago we had our stake Easter Devotional and Vaughn J Featherstone gave a talk about forgiveness, and while he spoke, I was hoping I’d find the elusive answer that I needed, but by the end of the talk I still hand’t grasped that piece of the puzzle. I decided to have a follow-up conversation with a local church leader because clearly, I am a remedial student and needed some tutoring on just HOW to move forward.
I am so grateful for inspired leaders. After listening to my situation, he counseled that I probably had to say the words again, (to say “I forgive them”)…and that I should probably start with them in my prayers. Because, as he noted, “
you can’t pray a lie”. Those words, “
you can’t pray a lie”, sank into my heart, and I knew that even though I’d said them before way back in the day, for some reason I needed to say them again... with real intent.
To me, it felt a little bit like the story in Mark chapter 9 where the Lord says “
If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth”, and the father of the afflicted boy says “
Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief”...because I forgave, but I needed help with my
unforgiveness.
That night I began say the words...to say I forgive them, and then asked Heavenly Father to make them true, to help me forgive, to ratify those words. I began praying
for them every day as well.
This was (and still is) honestly one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. And I know that sounds crazy, because come on, they’re only words. But really,
Matthew 5:44 -- which is the verse about Love your Enemies, Bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you-- that can be one of the very hardest true principles to live if someone has seriously harmed you.
But it works!
It didn’t happen in a moment or an instant, but within a few weeks of applying that principle, and praying for them on a daily basis, that huge grinding weight, that had been like my shadow my
whole life--so long that it almost felt like it was just part of who I am-- started to dissipate. The hard knot in my heart that I didn’t even know was there began slowly untangling itself, and I began to feel strangely peaceful and happy for the first time. This has been the happiest year of my whole life, in fact. I think it is at least a
small part of what it means to Come Unto Him, and cast my burden at His feet. I’m sure there is more to learn.
I believe there are all kinds of forgiveness in this life, and some are easier than others. But partly because it took so many years, this was an important realization for me…and I’ve shared this experience today with the hope that perhaps it might help someone else who may be struggling to figure out HOW to actually forgive. Or inspire each of us to make more of an effort to actually forgive others, vs. just letting things go...secretly judging them in our hearts... so that we might be sanctified. Because it’s changing our hearts that is so frustratingly difficult! But that’s the real power of the atonement, right there...
In closing, I hope that we may all strive a little harder to be less judgmental and critical of others...because
it is simply impossible to slice cheese so fine that it doesn’t have two sides. There is
always more that we don’t know. When we reach out and give people a chance...give them the benefit of the doubt and err on the side of generosity in our opinions of them, we all win. Because, “For now we see through a glass, darkly; Now we know in part; but
then shall we know even as also we are known.”
That we will each be able to forgive those who who trespass against us, and enjoy the sweet
calm and
peace that the Savior’s atonement offers to us as we do, is my prayer in the holy name of Jesus Christ, whom I know to be an ally and friend, and who is the son of God, Amen.
