You Know You're A Flight Attendant When...

1. You eat a 4-course meal standing at the kitchen counter in 30 secs.
   
2. You search for a button to flush the toilet.
3. You look for the "Crew Line" at the grocery store.
4. You can pack for a 2 week trip to Europe in 1 roll-aboard.
5. All of your pens have different hotel names on them.
6. You NEVER EVER unpack.
7. You can recognize pilots by the back of their heads- but not by their faces.
8. You can tell from 70 yards away if a piece of luggage will fit in the overhead bin.
9. You care about the local news in a city 3 states away.
10. You can tie a neck scarf 36 ways.
11. You know at least 25 uses for air sickness bags- none of which pertain to vomit.
12. You understand and actually use the 24-hour clock.
13. You own 2 sets of uniforms: Fat and Thin
14. You don't think in "months" - you think in "bid packets".
15. You always point with two fingers.
16. You get a little too excited by certain types of ice.
17. You stand at the front door and politely say "Buh-bye, Thanks, and "Have a nice day" when someone leaves your home.
18. You can make a sentence using all of the following phrases: "At this time", "For your safety", and "As a reminder".
    
19. You know who's on the cover of In Touch, People, and Star magazines
20. You stop and inspect every fire extinguisher you pass, just to make sure the "gauge is in green".
21. Your thighs are covered in bruises from armrests and elbows.
22. You wake up and have to look at the hotel stationary to figure out where you are.
23. You refer to cities by their airport codes.
24. You're a Fire Fighter, Baby Sitter, Referee, Chef, Nurse, Security Officer, and a server all in one!!!
    
25. Every time the doorbell rings, you look at the ceiling.

(I know most of these won't make sense to the majority of my readers, but I can relate to nearly every one of them...except the pointing with two fingers part...we don't do that at my airline.)

Photoshoot

I've mentioned that Gator has absconded with my camera and run away with it recently. It's entertaining to see what an eight year old is attracted to, and see the world through his eyes. Signs, placards, people, cars, dirt, bushes, rocks, trash. Perhaps if we weren't in a restaurant he'd have better subject matter.

The following were taken at the Cafe Rio near our home, and I think he found some interesting stuff. Here are just a few of the over 100 pictures he shot whilst his family and friends gorged on the foodstuffs he eschews. It was his first-ever photo shoot. I thought it was a fluke, but he's had a couple more since then, which is what have given me the idea of encouraging him to pursue photography.

Ding Dong

I was scrubbing the tub this morning and noticed a bottle of Avon Bubble Bath someone gave my daughter.

When I was young, every other week or so our doorbell would ring. "Avon calling" a cheery voice would call out, and there on the porch would be The Avon Lady, holding her satchel of goods to peddle, wearing her big, lipsticked smile. Our mom would invite The Avon Lady into our (perennially messy) living room and while they visited for the next 20 minutes or so, I'd comb through the new catalog of Avon products she'd brought with her.

I think my mom enjoyed the adult conversation, even though I'm sure The Avon Lady would have preferred to just get an order and be on her way. But with five kids underfoot who could blame my mom? Every now and then she would actually place an order, meaning that the next visit would include not just the item ordered, but a free sample of some product too. Free stuff was so exciting!

The Avon Lady's bi-weekly visit was always a highlight in my hum drum childhood. She had these tiny little tubes of lipstick that she'd give us sometimes. At about an inch tall, they were even better than regular ones because they were just soooo cute! I'd use them when playing dress up. Sometimes we got to try on sweet perfumes and lotions. I was drawn like a raccoon to the shiny jewelery selection, but it was SOOOOO fancy and expensive, we never got anything like that.

For a number of years, The Avon Lady's visits were more regular than the two visiting teachers from church who were supposed to visit mom every month. The Avon Lady always arrived looking fresh, coiffed, and smelling fantastic. I kind of idolized her. She seemed so glamorous and beautiful. Just like with school teachers, it never occurred to me that she was actually a regular person with a personal life. She was reduced to one role in my mind...Our Avon Lady. When she left us, for all I knew she went back to The Avon Factory till the next time she came. I just never gave it any thought.

One day I was further afield on my bicycle than I usually went. All the sudden while passing a house I saw The Avon Lady outside. She was working with a hand trowel in her flower bed, wearing shorts and a tee shirt, and her hair was tucked under a bandanna folded into a triangle (It was the 70's). I stopped, speechless, and stared at her. She noticed me after a moment and said hi. I remember trying to explain that I didn't know she had a house. She laughed and said that yes, she lived there. I was in awe.

It was that moment that I think I realized that everyone, even my school teachers, must have houses and lives outside the role they were playing in my life. What a crazy concept! It made me wonder if even Santa had a regular job during the rest of the year too? The experience totally rocked my world!

With Avon, You Never Looked So Good!

On a somewhat related note...

I'm probably going to be writing about Gator a lot in the next little while, simply because he's on my mind, and he's also having a birthday next week. Cake suggestions, anyone???

One of the things that Doc and I have thought would be of the most help for Gator is if he found a hobby or talent that he could get into. Something besides the 24/7 preoccupation with Star Wars, Pirates, Indiana Jones, and anything that smacks of battle, weapons and war. I think it's retribution for me being one of those moms, whose grandiose plan was to be a weapon-free home. That worked fine till he found sticks, straws, plates, boxes, and of course, the ever-present finger to use in warfare. Gator's primary interests in life are movies, computer games and staging mock battles. He's a total gladiator.

But anyway, we have noticed a slight interest in photography. A few times this year, Gator has grabbed my camera (which I keep with me in my purse) and run off with it, returning only after the memory card is full. It's been amusing to see what he takes pictures of. Depending on the location we're at, it's either grossout (in the garbage, the toilet, etc) or really artistic (interesting fixtures, paint jobs, sky, grass). Some of them are fairly artsy.

Because of this, we've decided to get him a camera for his birthday, and I'm hoping that between the many talented photographers in our lives we can arrange for him to have a few little lessons about photography, and then expand into learning a photo editing program.

If he could develop skill as a photographer, and gain some confidence in his abilities, it might go a long way in overcoming his social demons. It could ultimately lead to being involved in school paper or yearbook, which would supply a natural way to interface with the kids at school for the long haul (kids generally want to be in the yearbook/school paper). Who knows what direction this could take him. He's interested in movie making too. Once when we were driving around in Vermont, out of the blue he asked "hey mommy, do the people who make the movies paid to do it?" He'd said for years that he wanted to be a zoo keeper or make movies when he grew up, but till then it hadn't occurred to him that you could theoretically get paid to do these "fun" jobs.

So I need to research and figure out what a good starter digital camera would be for him, and then see if any of my peeps would be willing to give him some special, short lessons on photography. Maybe there's a class nearby that we could enroll him in at some point too.

Twisted Thoughts...

...We all have them. In one way or another, we employ these ten twisted ways of thinking throughout our lives. The degree to which we use them has a huge impact on our mental state and level of happiness.

My son has been struggling with the way he frames things for a long time, but it seems like it's been getting worse recently. Sometimes his situation is quite alarming to me. The way he thinks about things is the source of his low self-esteem, frustration with finding his niche in his world, and his level of contentment with his life. What's a this mom to do?

I've been talking to him about these recently, hoping that even though he's still just eight (for less than a week), I'll be able to help him understand how these habits of thought, these ways of thinking, and the messages he tells himself, have a clear and direct influence over how he feels inside.

It may be over the top to be laying the therapy on a punk his age, but I don't know what else to do. As a parent I'm flying by the seat of my pants, trying to equip my kids with all the tools and skills they'll need to survive in the world. I am sometimes at a loss as to what to do with them. There's probably a better way, but I'm not aware of it. With their unique abilities, challenges and difficulties, each one is different. Having an awareness of these cognitive distortions can help us catch ourselves before giving our thoughts over to them.

I'm trying to teach Gator so that when he starts going down that path and allowing himself to get mired down, we can look at this list and see which of these tactics are being employed, and then re-frame things in a healthier way. But if anyone reading this blog has suggestions on how to help a kid who struggles to fit in socially, who generally doesn't like them self, who feels different from "all the other kids" (because he's not into sports or the things they're interested in), and who professes their worthlessness from time to time, I'd love to hear your ideas.

Gator is a great person who just doesn't know it yet. He's not mean, is quick to forgive, is disarmingly sweet at times, and his blue eyes just melt me. It kills me to know that he's feeling the way I did as a child. That weighty burden of feeling worthless is so heartbreaking. As a mom I watch him struggle and it just makes me ache to know what he's going through. I can relate to him in so many ways. I don't really know how I got out of that place, but I know it had a lot to do with other people believing in me and reaching out. There were definitely some guardian angels placed in my path. It took a lot of years, but I finally got there. I hope he doesn't have to spend the first two or three decades of his life striving to find legitimacy as a human being. He's so precious to me.

THE TEN COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

1. ALL OR NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make negative interpretations even though there are definite facts that convincingly support your conclusions.

		a. Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out.
		b. The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an established fact.

6. MAGNIFICATION (Catastrophizing) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick".

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true".

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could expect to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements towards others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser". When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a damn louse". Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

~Based on information from "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns, M.D.

I liked this so much that...

...I'm actually going to post it right here. In all honesty, I don't think I've ever enjoyed any ad campaign for any product as much as I liked this one. I think the writing, tone, casting, and execution are perfect. And I've thought so since I first saw these ads years ago. John Hodgman is especially well-played (...even though I've never served him
jungle crackers, cranberry juice and club soda). Enjoy! ♥

It's official...

...I'm completely, utterly, hopelessly, and detrimentally off any kind of schedule whatsoever. Take your pick: exercising, eating, sleeping, working...they're all completely whacked. Heaven help me when my alarm goes off in just 5 hours.

And indulge me for just a moment. This Comfort Inn in West Palm Beach is hands down the lamest crew hotel I've ever stayed in. No gym. No restaurant. No lounge. No sidewalks to run on. No local businesses. No room darkening shade. No room service. No soft pillows. Nothing nearby to do. No shuttle service to anything but the airport. Just shabby, tired rooms in an old, worn out building out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by offices.

I'm not a fan.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled whine-free programming. While I attempt to fall asleep.

Fun tidbit

A few months ago when Doc and I went to the Air Supply concert, we got invited to the "after party" backstage. While there I met the manager of the band, and while we were chatting I mentioned to him that I had started writing a memoir. He gave his contact info to me and a few days later I sent him a note thanking him for the fun we had hanging out with everyone back stage. I thought he'd get a kick out of my Air Supply story, so I pasted that in and sent it to him.

Well, it turns out he's also a movie producer, and he thought I was submitting a manuscript to him, unsolicited. "I don't usually accept them" he replied, "but I scanned the first few lines before falling asleep last night. What I read was good stuff. I'll finish it in the morning and get back to you."

I responded that actually, it wasn't a manuscript...more of a thank you note to Russell and Graham, that I thought they might get a kick out of. But then I never heard back from him so I figured he thought it was mash.

Now, seven months later he wrote me:

Sorry it's been so long, but I only just refound your email address. There was no contact info on your manuscript, and I had changed emails, etc., yada, poo... Anyway, you ARE a writer. Very good stuff. Has anything developed from it? Tell me all.

FYI:

The Reflections in the Mud movie trailer will be posted on our website this coming Monday, August 4th! It naturally features Jodi, the music of Graham, with a little tuneage from Jonni, as well as a quick appearance from Mr. Lightfoot himself as well.

You get a special advance teaser by going to http://www.reflectionsinthemud.com right now, and of course will be able to see the video trailer there later. We will stream via YouTube so hopefully we can get a few hits and make a splash so we can have the movie out soon!

We plan to keep the website alive from now on, with exclusive interviews with Jodi, Graham, Jonni, and the Movie's other stars over the next while.

Exciting times, and thank you so much for your support, it's been good to know you are out there as we struggle to get this to you!

- n y k

The part about the movie is definitely boiler plate; I'm sure he's just trying to drum up support for it, but it was fun to hear back from him.

I don't know what I'll tell him as far as writing goes. I canceled my book deal contract back in March for a variety of reasons which I won't bother getting into again, so without a deadline I've definitely lost writing momentum. Every now and then I pick it up, and perhaps when school starts up again and life isn't such a crazy whirlwind I'll get serious again and actually put a cohesive story together. But for now, I don't really have anything to show for myself.

Writing is therapeutic. I am doing it for me. Till that book deal thing I hadn't ever considered myself a writer, nor did I have any authorship aspirations. Then I started writing the book and discovered that it's really cathartic for me. Better than therapy for sure. So I want to keep writing, but I have no plans beyond that.

One of my favorite things is when I hear from someone that something they read has resonated with them. If any of my experiences ever inspired or helped even one other person navigate their way through a challenging time, or just hang on when things are dicey, that's just icing. If my stories impacted even one person the way Jeanette Wall's story The Glass Castle helped me, that would be amazing.

So I'm going to keep writing. It's slow and I know I have miles to go in terms of improving my writing style and ability. But it's not a race, and the journey is the reward.

Still, I DO wonder what's around the bend...

duh...

I'm in Florida now. You'd think after all these years of flying, I'd realize that if your cell phone rings and it's Crew Services calling, 99.9999% of the time you'll regret answering. It's never good news.

What can I say? It was the middle of the night, I was sleep deprived, and suddenly had the thought that maybe they were calling as a courtesy to let me know that the flight I was going on was delayed, and that I should stay at my nice hotel longer. Cause maybe they're new motto is "Crew Services. We're Thoughtful Like That".

But no. Rather than just deadhead in a regular customer seat from NYC back to California (pay-protected for my missed trip too, mind you) and have the day off today and sit reserve tomorrow, which is what I was supposed to be doing, they assigned me to work today.

So now I'm in Florida, and am working tomorrow too.
But suddenly, a new contender has emerged...

It's CRAZY out there man!

I just spent a glorious NINE HOURS on a plane, on the ground, in Portland ME, with the aircraft door open. (Significant in that flight attendants only get paid when the door is closed...all that time on the ground when we're boarding/deplaning/cleaning/waiting to shut the door = volunteer service time. It's just how the system is set up...but sometimes it really bites you in the hiney). I had the pleasure of serving the unfortunate passengers who happened to pick today to fly into to NYC.

It was unfortunate for them, because the T-storms in the area meant we were on an ATC ground hold with the departure time pushed back little by little till we’d eventually spent an entire day waiting for clearance to shut the door and take off...all while hoping they didn't just cancel our flight at the end of it all. But fortunately for our customers, they had my Rock Star Crew serving them. Seriously! I'm working with two terrific flight attendants that I'd never met before this trip, and they're as good as it gets.

Then there were the pilots. In terms of service, I've never seen their equal in the pilot world. They were out there with us the entire day, answering questions, looking things up online, loaning their cell phones and making calls on our customer's behalf. They got pizza ordered for everyone (ie: the customers) to eat, collected trash and kept people updated with the latest , ever-changing information. They were outstanding.

It's days like today when people's true colors really make an appearance. Some people are civilized and sensible about disappointing situations for a finite amount of time before they just blow a gasket and lose it. I know in their rational moments they don't actually think that I, a mere flight attendant, have any real control over the weather. They don't actually believe I'm tight with Zeus, and could call in a favor or two to help things roll along their merry way. But you wouldn't know it from listening to some of them.

Anyway, I literally didn't sit down at all during the entire day, so right now I need a foot massage SO bad! But I don’t get one. I do get to go back to the airport and hop on another plane in six more hours though. Lucky!

Oh, speaking of stars. (I did mention the word star.) Yesterday I had a bona fide famous person on my flight! People always ask me if I've ever flown any celebs, and yes, I've had a few. But I'm about as savvy as a door knob when it comes to the Who's Who thing. Seriously. Once we had a completely sold out flight, but there was one man sitting in a row by himself. The gate agent said to me "you can't seat anyone in row three, because the gentleman there purchased all three seats so that he'd have the whole row."

I know that there are a number of customers who do this, under the rationale that three seats on my airline actually cost less than one business class seat on another one. So they get more space, and three tv's all to themselves. 3x the snacks. Whatevuh floats your boat.

Anyway. So we're flying across the country and every time I pass this man's row, he seems to have some small favor/request of me. Which is fine. Plenty of customers are like that, and I'm happy to help. Makes them happy, keeps me employed, and the time flies (ha! Time flies. I've always been brilliant with the metaphors).

Back to Mr. Seats 3 A, B & C.

"Excuse me Miss" he says to me as I'm passing his row in the aisle. "I've got a sandwich in my bag..."

"Oh, would you like me to get your bag down for you?" I offered.

"Oh, no, I've got it right here. I just wanted you to have it." he says, pulling his bag up onto the seat next to him.

"That's very thoughtful of you, Sir", I replied as sincerely as possible. "But you don't have to give me your sandwich."

"No, I really want to. It's a great sandwich. I've got two of them. They're from a terrific deli in Manhattan" he continues pulling them out of a bag and offering it up to me.

Not wanting to seem ungracious by refusing his kind offer, I finally relented and accepted his sandwich and retreated to the galley where my co-workers were sitting.

Now I should mention that we used to get crew meals on our flights, but on that particular day my connecting flight was running late, and I hadn't had time to grab my meal before heading out. I was on a red-eye turn (fly, land, deplane, clean, board, then fly right back across the country) so there were many hours to go. And I get tired of the chips and cookies, as you may imagine.

So I said to my co-workers, "You know the gentleman in row three? The one sitting by himself? Well, he just gave me a sandwich. He says it's from a really great deli in Manhattan, and he had two of them and just hated to see it go to waste. Of course normally I'd never eat a sandwich from a customer (I'll let you guess all the reasons why not), but I'm really hungry, and he seems like a pretty nice, normal guy..."

My co-workers are just staring at me this whole time. "You mean Montel?" one of them says.

"Huh?" was my eloquent reply.

"That's Montel. Montel Williams. You know?"

Uh, nope...

"He's got a TV show...the Montel Williams Show" the other FA said, looking most unimpressed.

"You could sell your sandwich on e-Bay" the first FA said, laughing at me.

Just one of my more brilliant moments. Anyway, so yesterday I flew from coast to coast with a celebrity sitting in the front row, facing me. It wasn't till we were about an hour away from landing that the pilot calls me on the phone and says "do you know who that guys is in front of you?" (FYI, the pilots have cameras in the cockpit to see what's going on in the cabin.)

I look at 1B. "Nope" I tell the phone.

"It's Justin Long", he tells me.

Still nothing. The name isn't doing anything to jog my memory. So the pilot rattles off an impressive list (from memory) of this guys work, but it just isn't registering.

Then my fellow flight attendant confirms that he recognized him too, but needless-to-say, I didn't get tacky and start asking for autographs or anything. But I DID get off the plane and look him up at IMDB from my crew lounge, and sure enough, there he is. A genuine celeb! I discovered that he's the voice of Alvin in the latest Chipmonk movie...among other credits.

And only then did I realize that I've actually spent HOURS watching him on You Tube...because I just LOVED this ad campaign. It's pretty funny stuff...and Justin is really adorable in them. Poor guy. Word on the street is that he just broke up with Drew Barrymore this past month. Ahh well, Drew's loss. Even though I've always thought celebs hooking up with other celebs was a formula for disaster. It's like they pick fame and media attention over the chance to have a happy life with a real person. I don't get that. At all.

So there you have it. Two of my celebs on flights stories. Now I really need that foot rub! Or a few winks. ♥