About 15 years ago while living in Chicago, I attended a class taught by a friend named Maci who was a social worker. Her lesson was on the subject of healthy boundaries, which was a concept I had never even heard of before that night. It was one of the most eye-opening discussions of my life to that point.
A healthy boundary is a space around yourself that gives you a sense of security and safety, where you feel supported, respected, and peaceful. I'd add that trust is one of the most important requirement for healthy boundaries to exist.
One of the most important things parents can do is to establish and maintain healthy and appropriate boundaries with their child, and within the relationships their child has with other people (friends, siblings, relatives etc.).
When this doesn't happen, a variety of symptoms occur, which I won't get into (visit Señor Google if you want more info), but in many cases children become "people pleasers"...which, as it turns out, is how I responded to my situation. Awesome!
We all know people pleasers...those who say "yes" when they mean "no" (or have no opinions in the first place), who are generally full of self-doubt, self-blame, shame, and humiliation. They go to great lengths to get love and approval from others, but no matter how much they get, they never feel loved or good about themselves. They take any criticism as fact, are more concerned with others' feelings than their own, and have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities such as being able to fix the problems of important people in their lives (like their parent's marriage, for example. Which endeavor is made possible through the absence of healthy boundaries. As it turns out.)
I learned early in my life to bury my own feelings, needs, and wants (or to not have any feelings, needs or wants), and like your typical pleaser, I chronically confused attention (of any sort) with love, and self-sacrifice with caring for others.
Maci's class that night was life altering in that I was introduced to all the different kinds boundaries that exist, and how they impact our lives.
Most of us are savvy about appropriate physical boundaries and aren't going to let someone push, punch, kick, or hit us without trying to stop it. Emotional boundaries are also fairly easy to identify; you realize it's not okay to let people insult you, call you names etc. Harder to isolate (especially for a child) are mental boundaries, which involve knowing that you have the freedom to express your opinions and thoughts without being ridiculed or judged.
So Why Am I Talking About This Now?
I've been thinking about my response to various boundary violations in my life lately. As a child I was a complete doormat with people who crossed the line, but as an adult something changed in me.
The first time happened when I was about eighteen, and after years of putting up with a certain girl's
I felt completely justified at the time. And indeed, an important part of healthy boundaries is not letting people walk all over or abuse you. But what isn't part of it is any kind of retaliation or revenge. While I've never been the mean-spirited type, I do confess secretly hoping that other people would follow suit and shun her like I had...which I'm not proud of but I was young and naive at the time.
A few years passed before my next "snap" moment when I'd suddenly had enough. This time the person was a little closer to home, and while I didn't completely sever ties, something was deeply broken, and it has been a long process to repair it.
Then four years ago it happened again, and at the risk of sounding like a serial "fight or flight-er", I'll confess that this time it was my parents that I cut off. [gasp!]
At the time it was almost an act of self-preservation; having them in my life was so toxic for me that I was starting to spiral downward into a deep depression. One desperate night I finally sent an un-offensive as possible note requesting that they not contact me or my family any more. (I tried to cut them off nicely. You know, good old people-pleaser me
As unexpected and shocking as this move was coming from me, you can't possibly imagine how liberating it was. I felt like a gajillion pounds of anxiety was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally breathe.
It took some time, but eventually I started to wonder if I would ever reconcile with them. I had no desire to (still don't), and was fine with where I was about the situation. After all, I had evolved to a better place than my eighteen year-old self in that I didn't wish them any ill-will. I genuinely wanted them to be happy and enjoy their lives (just without me in it). And I took precautions to not taint any relationships they have with people I'm friends with.
I've also spent endless hours and piles of money we don't have, working to supersede the things I've experienced. I'm trying to overcome the "disease to please" that is such an established habit, and develop healthy boundaries in all the relationships I'm in. I'm trying to find out who I am, what I want, need, like.
One thing I do like is something Oprah said: "Forgiveness is releasing the hope that things could have been different. True forgiveness is realizing the gift in a bad childhood – and learning from it. Every experience you’ve had makes you who you are and makes you more yourself. Your unique personality and spirit wouldn’t be yours if you had different parents or siblings – even if you got a bad deal."
I still have a hard time trusting my parents, and, by extension, forgiving them. And when I do get to that point, I don't know if forgiveness will include having them back in my life in some way or not (I don't believe they necessarily go together).
For now I'm working on it, but every time I get a little closer, I seem to have a set-back. Trust is one of those hard things that, when broken, is difficult to repair. Probably my parents greatest shortcoming was the lack of healthy boundaries within our family, and I don't have any reason to think things have changed in the past four years.
Still, I'm trying to feel my way towards a less all or nothing response to boundary violations in my life, because I'm guessing there will be plenty more in the future and I'm sure there's a more Christ-like way of reacting to people who cross lines. I'm exactly not sure what it is, but I suspect I'll find it. Eventually.
Grateful for:
1) Maci's lesson of long ago. And all inspired teachers.
2) Today's loaves of bread rose a little more than last week's...still not quite right though.
3) Promised sunshine.
*•♫*♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥*♫´¯`☆
Luke 6:27-29
5 comments:
Are you using water that is too hot? Use a thermometer to make sure you get the water temp just right, or you will kill your yeast (or, if too cold, not wake it up from its dormant stage.)
At first, I read that one icon as "beehive," and it took me awhile to realize that it was something very different . . .
Your courage and determination amaze me.
On the note of bread. A problem I always had in Utah was finding a place that was warm but not too dry to raise the bread. There's a trick you can do with a warm and humid oven, but you might want to try sticking the dough in a different corner of the house while it's raising. (In my current house the perfect bread place is in my bedroom closet of all places.)
Beautiful post, Blue.
You'll get there, love.
One word: bakery! :):)
Awesome post, Blue! I know so where you are coming from, and I find it fascinating reading your experiences and your view because it always helps me to at least know that I'm not the only one.
By the way, I just wrote a post about forgiveness too! How very funny that we are in sync.
Blue, I don't believe the Lord expects us to trust people just because He has asked us to forgive them. Trust includes relying on them to have repented, and we are supposed to forgive whether they have repented or not.
We have to earn the Lord's trust. He only gives His love unconditionally. So He doesn't require us to give trust unconditionally either.
I hope you can forgive those who have hurt you (because your forgiveness helps you to stop hurting), but I do not believe you ever have to trust them again unless they have earned that trust.
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