One of the hardest things about depression is the way it numbs you to feeling the spirit. As I wrote yesterday, I was fifteen years old the first time I had a spiritual experience…or at least realized that I was having one. I’m sure God had watched over me, prompted me, comforted me, and guided me all my life, but I’m also quite sure I’ve suffered from dysthymia since I was quite young. Numb was my “normal”. I didn’t know any different.
That experience was so tremendous and amazing to me that it carried me for years. It was my sole fallback whenever times were tough. Because of it I knew that God knew me, and that for some reason I mattered enough to Him to intervene.
At first I thought this was the start of a new thing in my life, that maybe I’d regularly have more amazing moments like that one. But five years later at the age of twenty, I was still clinging on to that single experience, and it was starting to fade in it’s ability to carry me, spiritually. I was struggling and wishing there were some way to have another one…a little “boost”, if you will, but I didn’t know how to make that happen, and was wary of seeking for signs.
One day while I was in college, my dear roommate and I were sitting on our beds talking about spiritual experiences, when I confided to her that I “never feel the spirit”. When I said that, this sweet friend looked in my eyes, she said to me, “Yes you do. You know that feeling you get sometimes, it’s kind of soft and quiet…” and right then, as she said those words, I was suddenly touched with that small, “soft”, quiet feeling she was describing…a feeling which I had experienced on occasion in the past, but which I had never identified as being one way that the Holy Spirit communicates with us. Her words almost faded into the background as my mind was illuminated by this new awareness. I was amazed! Here all this time I’d had something, but I had never realized what it was.
Since that time, I have recognized a number of experiences with the Holy Spirit in my life, and have learned that God has far more ways of communicating with His children than I had ever imagined. And I am quite certain that I have only experienced the smallest fraction of His ways of communicating with His children. Sometimes, like my experience in the ocean or a vision, it’s completely unmistakable. I haven’t ever had a vision, but I know people who have. More often than not, I believe our Heavenly Father uses quieter, more subtle means of communication to connect with us.
Which is why depression can be such a trial for one’s spirit. You just feel numb a lot of the time. Like your soul is in a lead box. But as hard as it is, it also provides those who deal with depression an opportunity to develop and fine-tune their ability to hear His voice. And in order to learn to recognize Him in our lives, we have to create space for Him…possibly more space than we’d otherwise give Him. But maybe, just maybe, that is by design. For without having to work extra hard on a consistent basis, perhaps we wouldn’t learn what He knows we need to learn. Perhaps we would figuratively "drift far out to sea", as I literally did that day.
I’ve tried to focus my attention on understanding the ways that God communes with me, and am still learning. I try to note times when He has answered my prayers, and all the different ways His Holy Spirit has touched me. Whether it's something as simple as a song that reaches me, or being filled up with gratitude at the beauty of this earth, direct answers to specific prayers for things I need, or that tiny, cozy, warm feeling that I didn't understand growing up, I've learned that most of the times when I feel His spirit, it isn't miraculous. At least in the way most people think about miracles. But for me, it will always be a wonder.
He knows our struggles. He IS there for us. And I know that if we seek Him faithfully, we will find Him in small and grand ways as we sojourn through our lives.
Grateful for:
1) Different kinds of communication
2) Faith in my Savior
3) The things I learn from my struggles
5 comments:
thanks for sharing this. i can really relate and feel that at times through my own struggle, i have been more mad at God then seeking him. i've struggled with how to get past this anger, but believe that one day i will get there. He keeps putting people in my path that are meant to help me...
I love this. He's such a personal God. I love you :)
you have given me such insight as to how to help my children who are struggling. i am in an abusive marriage and because of vows i took don't know how to make it right. we all have scars from what is happening. i love my children and want to help them be the best that they can be. your words help me. thank you
Thanks for sharing this. For me, growing up as a Missionary Kid and having to go away to boarding school when I was 10 dramatically impacted my life. When I was older I struggled with how a loving God could watch a child of His go through so much grief (homesickness, etc) and it took a long time and a lot of counseling to see that yes, God was there all the time with me. That has helped heal me, and I can see that same healing going on with you!
{{{hugs}}}
This is really beautiful Blue. I am so glad your roommate was in tune enough to help you. I have found myself gently telling my children, primary children I teach, and now my precious Laurels, "that soft feeling, the one that is here now, that is the Holy Ghost." I have done this for years because I know the pain the pain you speak of of not feeling Him. I think it was because I never felt worthy, which was not my fault.
♥
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