Mercies

He Knew

For the past week or so I've experienced some serious depression. During work I managed to put on my game face and push things into the background, but the moment I was no longer on duty, I couldn't repress the feelings any more.

Of course like most people, I generally avoid painful things, so instead of dealing with the stuff that was really going on, I focused on more trivial stuff, like losing my wallet. But that was just the "safe" thing to talk about.

I'd been doing pretty well for the last while. It was a good run while it lasted. But I'm also involved in a difficult process of healing and growth too...so allowing space for those feelings, and those hours of tears...well, that's just part of the journey of healing from sexual, physical and emotional abuse. My therapist told me there would be an end to the tears at some point, and to let them come. So I did. And they came. For hour upon hour. In fact there was a salty river running through my house most of Saturday night, till near dawn.

But in those hours when it felt like I was an island of one, I knew I wasn't alone. Though I felt lonely and was in intense emotional pain, when it was hard to ask God for help out of fear of not getting it, He helped me anyway.

First, I forced myself to go to the grocery store shortly before it closed Saturday night and ran into a woman from my church. Our chat was the reason I made myself go to church the next day when I was strongly tempted to justify not going.

Then Doc spent some time talking to me, even though he had to get up in 5 hours and pull a 30+hour shift (during which time he got only 2 hours to rest...he's one overbaked cookie right now). He helped me to keep perspective and hang in there through this process. He helped remind me that depression is an illness, and that I am just sick right now, like having the flu or any other thing. It will pass, and I'm doing what I need to do to heal.

Then in the wee hours of the morning, a beloved friend, my maid of honor at my wedding to Doc, who I have had only intermittent contact with over the past 19 years (and it's been a good 10 years since I saw her), sent me an email in the throes of my long dark night, to tell me "I was on her mind and she just wanted me to know how much she loves me". It'd been better part of a year since our last contact.

And then another darling friend sent me a note of support, and a link to a great talk which I read before finally going to sleep.

Then in the morning my sweet children came in and snuggled with me, one on either side, and I felt enveloped by loves.

I even got myself to church, albeit looking something like this picture. My eyes were so puffy that I put sunglasses on to disguise them, and actually ended up wearing them through the entire service. Yes. Like a freakin' movie star hiding from the paparazzi. Haggard isn't a look I'm comfortable with.

When Sacrament meeting was over, a friend sought me out and invited me to walk with her to her house to take some rolls out to rise. She lives very close, so it didn't take long, and we attended the rest of our services together.

After church another friend called who had seen me from a distance but not had the chance to say hi...just to see how I'm doing.

All of these tender mercies were, I know, my Heavenly Father's way of reaching me, when I was too numb to feel much at all. And it occurred to me that He Knew the whole time that my wallet, the loss of which I focused on rather than what I was actually struggling with, was sitting safely in the TSA office in Boston, and that I'd get it back this week intact. He Knew all weekend that I would make it through this round of intense feelings of anguish. And He Knew that He would inspire people to connect with me.

One of my favorite quotes is "Sometimes the Lord calms the storm, and sometimes He calms his child." As much as I would enjoy a life without storms (at least for a little while), I'm very grateful for His Calming of this child.

Grateful for:
1) Keri
2) Anika
3) Marilynne
4) Maren
5) Heather
6) Marki
7) John
8) Robin
9) Nate
10) Sunnshine
11) Frank
12) Gator
13) Bunch
14) Doc