One of those stories...

Friday night, I went to the opening of an art exhibit that my friend Leslie had a piece in. I was making my way slowly through the masses of people attending, when I ran into a former acquaintance (I'll call her Ally), whom I hadn't seen in a number of years. While we were chatting, a friend of hers approached, and for some reason this person looked familiar to me (though, as it turns out, I'd never seen her before).

 I asked Ally "who is that?", and when she told me her friend's name, (I'll call her Christine X), I asked "is she Steve X's sister?" Christine heard my question, and said "no, I'm Steve's wife. Who are you?"


Realizing I knew Steve, Ally introduced us to each other, and this is when I got embarrassed. Because I didn't know how they might respond to the truth. So I told them "I don't think I should  answer that question", which of course made them even hungrier to know. 

They pressed, I quickly caved.  "Well, as it turns out, Steve was the first guy I ever kissed"... the admission of which fact seemed to fill them both with crazy juicy delight.
 
Encouraged, I further explained, "I was fourteen. We met at a church dance in Newport Beach. He was cute and I was enchanted. Outside after the dance, he took me behind that mosaic wall, and then he kissed me."

Ally and Christine are both laughing now, clamoring for more details.  And since there were details to be had, I did share them.

"I floated all the way home, convinced that this kiss of course meant that WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED someday. I mean, naturally, he was clearly THE ONE.  So that night I wrote Steve a letter...with all the earnestness, heartfelt sincerity and oozing conviction of any newly lovestruck fourteen-year-old-fresh-out-of-junior-high girl.  And I had every intention of giving it to him, too, but I put that letter behind a photograph of the temple hanging above my cot in  the garage  for safekeeping, and eventually forgot about it because I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN."

Ally and Christine are both hooting with laughter at this point.  And then, who should walk up but my once-upon-a-time-intended. Christine and Ally couldn't pounce upon him fast enough.

"Steve, do you recognize this person?"

And then, in what was for me the weirdest moment of all, Steve looked at me for only a few seconds and then replied "Sure I do. You're Blue.  Blue Jeuls."  (substitute my maiden name).

Shut the front door!

I thought someone must have told him before he walked up...or that he'd overheard our conversation.  But he hadn't.  He just remembered me, even though we only met once, TWENTY NINE YEARS AGO!

We chatted for a few minutes about that day and our lives since then. He and Christine are darling people, and it was fun to meet her.  He told me that three days after that dance he left for college, which is why I never saw him again.  I honestly didn't expect him to remember me, out of all the girls I presumed him to have met/kissed.  


He of course stood out for me because he was my first, and, well, because of THE LETTER--which, I should note, I didn't rediscover until I was packing up all my stuff to move out of the garage when I got married, seven years later. I pulled that photo of the temple off the wall and this mysterious envelope fluttered to the floor. After reading it, can I just say you have NOOOOOO idea how glad I was that I hadn't had the opportunity to completely mortify myself by actually delivering it to him!

In the end, I guess the only thing I can conclude from this experience is, dang, I must be a REALLY good kisser!*

How about you? Tell me your first kiss stories!!!


*or an amazingly terrible one.

Puerto Rico Redux

Last week Doc and I went on a quick get-away to Puerto Rico. We had a free round-trip ticket that we had to use or lose, so we booked his flights (I can always sit on a jumpseat if a flight is sold out, so I don't purchase tickets for myself. Does mean I'm often tired when traveling, as sleeping on a jumpseat will get you fired).

We've vacationed in Puerto Rico a few times now, so we knew it would be a perfect place to go for our short window of time ( 2 full days sandwiched between travel days), and that we'd be able to find affordable accommodations.  Hotwire.com generally serves us well when scoring deals on hotels...and this time was no exception. The Wyndham Rio Mar resort was beautiful, in a great location, and we got it for only $90 a night! I should note that in typical resort fashion, prices for everything you could buy onsite were outrageous. We literally didn't purchase anything while there, instead we got some basics at the local Amigo grocery store to eat during the day, and had a nice dinner out each night for local cuisine.

Rio Mar is directly in front of the entrance to the only rain forest in the National Park system: El Yunque.  We've hiked there twice before, once with my inlaws and once with our kids, and it's absolutely gorgeous. This time we ended up hiking for about five hours, but actually, that wasn't intentional. After our first two hikes, we were heading back to our car and took a trail unintentionally, which led us on a long path to the top of the mountain. We realized fairly soon that we were heading up, but decided to keep going. We were both glad for the experience and the beauty we enjoyed during our wanderings.

We had barely set foot in the lobby to check in to our resort when a friendly man in line behind us told us about this Mini Boat Adventure that he highly recommended. We looked into it and were grateful for the suggestion. It was FANTASTIC!  We loved having our own little boat and some time on the open ocean and snorkeling around some reefs and exploring the little islands.  The guides took all the photos of us from that day, and we had such a great time free-diving and seeing the sea life.

We love Puerto Rico and have enjoyed many wonderful outings during all our visits. The Bio Bay is one of the most magical experiences we've ever had. We've visited the Camuy Caverns and drunk from what was once believed to be Ponce De Leon's Fountain of Youth (I will never die. Or at least avoid aging...not sure how these things work.). Visited Arecibo Observatory and the largest radio telescope on earth. Toured San Juan and all the old forts and historical sites. Spent some time in Ponce, and a few days on Culebra Island where we rented a boat and had some amazing snorkeling and diving experiences.  

Puerto Rico is what it's name says, a port rich in beauty and history and wonderful experiences. I highly recommend it!

The Prettiest State

I'm on a campaign to convince one of my besties of the Vital Importance of experiencing some of the amazing wonders of my dear Utah.  I don't believe there is any other state with more natural beauty than this one, so I thought I'd put up some photos of our visits to a few spots.

In this slideshow are scenes from Zion National Park, Arches National Park, and Goblin Valley, including our Little Wild Horse slot canyon hike.

Two other must-see destinations for anyone who hasn't explored the wonders of this region include Bryce National Park, and Yellowstone National Park--which isn't in Utah but IS really close.

So amazing are these places that I thought I should also spread the word for any other fair readers who may not have experienced these spectacular spots. I hope you find your way there and enjoy the awe and majesty they inspire. And to my darling bestie (who knows who she is), I can't wait to share these places with you! ♥

Ex-Boyfriend Encounters. Sort-of.

Hi lovelies! A friend did a blog post today about running into ex-boyfriends and asked us to share our ex-boyfriend stories. I've had a few awkward encounters, but this one, while not entirely about an ex-boyfriend of mine, was one I thought worth sharing.

I had recently turned eighteen years old when a woman I had been babysitting for off and on for six years asked if I could watch her kids overnight.  I really liked their family, so I agreed to it.

I got to her home and we were catching up a bit before they left on their getaway, and she asked if I was dating anyone.  I told her about a guy I’d just met, who I'll just call "Dave". We hadn’t gone out yet, but Dave had gotten my phone number and said he’d call me. 

Turns out she knew him, and upon hearing this asked, “Do you know how old he is?” 

 

Now, Dave did strike me as older than any other guy I'd gone out with, but that didn’t really bother me at the time because I (naively) fancied myself super-mature and able to hold my own with anyone. Besides, he was quite good-looking, in that George Clooneyish kind of way. The type that could have claimed any age within a twenty-year span and you could credibly believe it. Also, he seemed to be well-off, based on his car and wardrobe...which had it's own kind of appeal.  The fact that he was older and still single was probably just indicative that he was looking for the right woman. And lo, that might just be me, I reasoned.

In fact, Dave himself had asked me how old I thought he was when we met (which was at a church singles dance). I admit I was low-balling it to be polite when I said 29, to which he replied “Close. I’m 31″.

I hadn’t ever dated a man that much older than me (Would have been jail bait till just a couple months before.) (Though not, actually, because I was, after all, a virtuous Mormon girl.)

So I told the friend I was babysitting for “He’s thirty-one″, to which she laughed out loud and shared the following story, related to her by her sister Karen, who knew all the parties involved:

Karen had gone to school and worked with Dave for many many years and knew him well. When he was in college, Dave had a girlfriend named Jane for a couple years. Jane loved Dave and wanted to take their relationship to the next level, but it seems Dave was something of a ladies' man, and when it became clear that he wasn’t interested in settling down, they parted ways and life moved on. 

Jane met and married a wonderful guy, and they raised a family together. One evening Jane’s daughter, now 19 years old, was upstairs getting ready to go out on a date. The doorbell rang, Jane opened the door, and was surprised to see her ex-boyfriend Dave, whom she hadn't seen in twenty-four years, standing there.

Dave, upon seeing Jane, seemed flustered, and stammered out a greeting followed by some lame excuse about "just being in the neighborhood and thinking he’d stop by and say hi and see how she was doing", but that "something had come up and he had to go". He wished her well and abruptly left.  "That was bizarre", Jane thought to herself as she shut the door.

A few minutes later her daughter comes downstairs to wait for her date to arrive. A little time passes, the date hasn't shown up. Jane asks her daughter "Who are you going out with tonight?"  Her daughter tells her the date's name. 

Sure enough, it's Jane's old college boyfriend, Dave.  Dave, who who was still out there, playing the field, chasing one girl after another for all these years, while a whole lifetime had passed for Jane as she raised her family. 

Needless to say, after hearing this story from my friend, who informed me that Dave was actually forty-eight years old (!), I didn’t return his call when he rang to ask me out. But I couldn’t avoid him a couple months later when he cornered me at the punch bowl during another dance. 

“You didn’t return my calls!” he says with a flirty grin. 

“You lied to me about your age”, I stated, looking him straight in the eye. 

"Yeah, I heard you found out about that", he cheekily responds “But how could I tell you my actual age when you thought I was 29?” 

“How can you attempt to start out any kind of relationship with a flat-out lie? To say nothing about what on earth a 48 year old would want with an 18 year old. Let me guess. Was it my keen mind that fascinated you?” 

A few months later I met the guy who would eventually become my husband…he was 5 months younger than me, and it probably wasn’t my keen mind that fascinated him, either, but at eighteen, that was understandable. At least he wasn't two years older than my father!

So, tell me your ex-boyfriend encounters. Any good ones?

India: Part 2

Three months ago, I ran at a flat-out sprint from the NYC subway, to the JFK Air Train, from the Air Train to Terminal 5, through security, and finally reaching the departure gate for my flight home,  just as the agent was preparing to shut the door.  Whew!

Grateful to have made it (after grossly miscalculating how much of a delay there would be getting to the airport due to the NYC Marathon that day), I sank breathlessly into my window seat, while apologizing to the two people next to me that I'd just climbed over, who were no doubt hoping that they'd have the row to themselves. (I always feel guilty when I get a window seat and a paying customer is in the middle.) (I have often offered to switch seats, when I'm feeling compassionate.)  (I was completely exhausted that day, and had firm plans to sleep the entire way home.) (That didn't happen.)

We struck up a conversation, the three of us, and in a singular occurrence in all my flying (which is eleven years this month) (!!!!), we ended up talking the entire flight.  Our conversation continued through deplaning, down to baggage claim, then outside till they got in a cab for their hotel.

Turned out V and M (as I'll refer to them here) were newlyweds, and they'd been enroute for about 26 hours at that point, traveling from their home in India where where he is from and where they now live, to the states where she is from.  

When I found out they were coming from India, I of course lit up. In fact, I likely started gushing.  "I love India! I love the food, the people. I've loved the movies and plays set in India that I've seen. I've read books by Indian authors. I don't know why, but I just love India." (which love commenced as described in my last post). 

Meeting them was serendipitous because, as an American woman who had traveled around India, and who now lives there, M is uniquely positioned to give me tips on when and where to go, what to see, and advise on the Safety Factor (which became a concern for me after watching Slumdog Millionaire). She's also a Mormon, like me, so we had that additional connection.  I got out my laptop and began taking notes on everything they said, presuming this was my one big chance to get an inside scoop.

I don't know if I've ever been more captivated than I was during those hours that we flew across the continent, sharing their hummus, salsa and chips (grateful, as I was completely starving) and learning about how they met (at at TED Conference of all places! I'm crazy about TED talks...as my regular readers may know), and getting to know them.

And then somehow, early in the conversation, I discovered something amazing:
V grew up knowing Mother Theresa. 

I was actually SITTING NEXT TO someone who had not only met, but KNEW Mother Theresa!  (I shook his hand, so if you like, you can be 2 hand-shakes away from shaking hers.) 

V's grandfather had, as it turned out, managed all the finances for Mother Theresa's organization for many many decades, and is still involved even though she passed away in 1997.  I couldn't believe it. I briefly mentioned my dream, and he shared some anecdotal stories with me that he knew about her.

I painted a miniature picture of my peacock.
This is actual size.

The time flew quickly by.  When we landed, V pulled our bags down from the overhead bin, and then surprised me by presenting me with a blue velvet box. "We have a gift for you" he said, handing it to me. How they could have a gift for me when we'd just met on the plane was apparently beside the point. Inside was a beautiful silver peacock figurine. I have always loved the colors of the peacock (beta fish, too), and this little guy was so pretty.  What a thoughtful gesture!

We exchanged contact info, vowing to keep in touch. They invited us to visit them in India, which increases the likelihood of me going there exponentially, (I enjoy knowing people in the places I visit. Adds depth and richness to the experience.) and we parted ways. I assumed it would be quite some time before we saw each other again.

But happily, an opportunity presented itself just last month. V had to come to the states again, and we had the pleasure of starting off 2012 by hosting him during his visit. 

We had a wonderful time, going for a hike in our lovely canyon, visiting the lights at Temple Square, eating gelato, and just learning more about him, his lovely wife M, and India in general. Both of them are now on the list of people I know who are doing amazing things with their lives. Who make a difference in the world (it's quite an impressive list). 

It fascinates, inspires, and also frustrates me...since I can't seem to zero in on what direction to focus my energies, to still be stumped about what course I should pursue with my free time, and with the next phase of my life (which will be upon me in six short years when Gator graduates). But a conversation at dinner one evening gave me a tiny glimpse into one way to figure it out. I asked V, "how did you decide to get involved in and do the specific things that you are doing with your time and resources?" 

Bunch, V, and Doc on our hike in Millcreek Canyon

(note: I had researched him before he came to stay with us...a point I admitted to him openly since I knew I'd want to ask him about them, and also to let him know that I'm not in the habit of bringing random people into my home who might be creepers, even though there was honestly no possibility of that with him...you just know when you meet some people. You know? Should also note that M has an impressive record of actively making the world a better place, too. They're quite a pair. In my searching, I had discovered an array of things that he is involved in that he'd likely never have mentioned himself because of his modest nature.)

Anyway, his reply was the first thing that has given me a glimmer of insight: "I think it primarily comes down to the experiences I've had in my life, because of my family, and what I was exposed to." 

This comment brought to mind a statement made by a man named Henry Eyring, about a time when he was taught that our experiences aren't just for ourselves, and was instructed to "write them down" so he could share them with others.  

This led me think that perhaps my experiences, those things that I have learned and
gone through that have shaped and formed me into the person I am today, maybe those are somehow connected to what I should do with the next phase of my life. 

I had a lot of momentum a few years ago when I began writing a memoir (inspired by Jeanette Walls The Glass Castle, because her book really changed my life), which fizzled out for a number of reasons that I won't delineate right now, but a big one is that I still have work to do on that journey of healing. But perhaps something in that realm, using what I've gone through and overcome to help others in the same situation? I don't know for sure yet, but it was nice to have some tiny spark of inspiration.

I gave the miniature painting of Philippe the Peacock to V and M, as a thank you/reminder of our serendipitous encounter and the resultant friendship.  I'm hoping that in the next year or so we'll be able to make it over to see them and experience India first hand (maybe someone will be able to teach me how to make naan and cook makhani and tikka masala sauce to rival that found at my favorite restaurant, Bombay House) (and maybe I'll get to have my own, bona fide Mother Theresa experience).

And that's the story, people. You just never know what's around the bend, do you?

India

I have a kind of crush on India. The first time I had anything to do with India was about thirteen years ago.  We were living in Chicago while Doc was working on his Ph.D.  One night I had a dream...one of those exceptionally vivid dreams that (at least for me) are so rare. Most nights, whatever dreams I may have had fade away and are long gone by the time I awake. I'll go years without being aware of any dreams whatsoever.  

But this night was strange and unique. In my dream I was shadowing Mother Theresa as she went about her work in the slums of Calcutta, and I was REALLY excited (in my dream) because I knew that at the end of the day I was going to find out the answer to a burning question that had been (in my dream) plaguing me, which is, How does an essentially selfish person like me become like her?  I.e.,  how does someone get from a life that is good, to a life of greatness, as measured by the condition of one's heart?  And I was SO excited to know (in the dream) that at the end of the day I'd be given this secret information.  

So we worked, Mother Theresa and I, side by side all the day long, and then it was time. She told me that my answer was going to be given to me as soon as I went through a particular door, and ushered me toward it. I reached out to open the door,

and then I woke up. (you totally didn't see that coming, did you? Neither did I.)

Anyway, I was SO upset! As soon as I awoke, I tried desperately to claw my way back into sleep, back into this fascinating dream, to rewind and let myself pick it up again, anywhere, that would lead me back to the door and to the answer to this important question (that, until my dream, I had never wondered about before).  

But I never did get there.

Mother Theresa with some of her children.

Now at that time, I wouldn't have been able to pick Mother Theresa out of a three-person line up. I honestly knew nothing about her, except that she worked with the poor. This dream had so much information in it that I had never known before. It was in every way vivid and realistic...with smells and sights that were totally out of my experience in life.  It was kind of freaky, honestly.

I remember mentioning it to my neighbor and dear friend, Ann, and it was her reaction to my dream that impressed upon me that it was a kind of significant dream. I had never (and kind of still don't) attached any special significance to dreams...though I've had a handful of them in my life that seem like they are kind of in a class of their own in terms of information or meaning. But it was this dream that started my (continuing) crush with India. 

I read all the books I could find at the time about Mother Theresa, none of which were that compelling in my opinion. Though I gained some factual information about her life and work, they were missing the heart somehow. They didn't manage to inspire or motivate one to action of any sort...which is what I think I was expecting or hoping they'd do.

My disappointment about waking up before making it into The Room With The Answer was mollified another night not too long afterward, when I was up with my crying baby.  Pacing the moonlit room, I noticed a book on my piano, open to a song which I hadn't taken particular notice of before. As I gently bounced my baby in my arms, the words jumped off the page and into my heart.  It wasn't a huge mystery, this answer I sought.  It was something I'd been taught my whole life, summed up nicely in the words of a children's hymn:

I’m trying to be like Jesus; I’m following in his ways.
I’m trying to love as he did, in all that I do and say.
At times I am tempted to make a wrong choice,
But I try to listen as the still small voice whispers, 

“Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, For these are the things Jesus taught.”

I’m trying to love my neighbor; I’m learning to serve my friends.
I watch for the day of gladness when Jesus will come again.
I try to remember the lessons he taught. Then the Holy Spirit enters into my thoughts, saying

“Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do.
Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, For these are the things Jesus taught.”

Love. Kindness. Gentleness. Remembering. Serving. The simple, everyday things. The stuff of life. The things we can all do, for everyone we encounter in some small way, even if it's just letting your eyes smile into another's. It took my strange dream to start thinking about this in a new way.

That dream was just the beginning of my India Crush. It would be another seven years or so before I discovered Indian food (oh my word! chicken makhani, tikka masala, naan, basmati rice...I Love You Most Of All!), and slowly, other aspects of India would find their way into my life until I found myself fascinated and both enchanted and terrified of the whole of India (but mostly fascinated.)  (I saw Slumdog Millionaire on a plane...hence the the enchanted and terrified part).

The Abyssal Zone*

Hey guys, Doc said he missed me writing on my blog, so here is something I wrote:

sometimes I wish it were
the actual ocean
because that’s what it feels like
sometimes

it’s dark
and heavy
and the pressure increases
the deeper i sink

it’s cold
and lonely
dangerous and vast
and has the potential to kill

it’s even salty and wet
(when the tears won’t stop flowing)
sometimes i can’t seem to
get enough air

but it's not the ocean
and i don’t actually drown
no peace greets me
from a realm known for light

because i keep on fighting
to reach the surface
while the lifeguard watches me struggle
from afar

eventually i claw my way up to the beach
where the sun dries and warms me
(at least till the next high tide
drags me back under)

 Some days this is just how it is, peeps.

* The Abyssal Zone

11-11-11 Dance

Hey you guys!  Happy 2012!

I've finally put together a little slideshow of one of the highlights from 2011: The Dance

Bunch turned 15 on 11-11-11, so I decided since it was a ONCE IN A CENTURY date, and it was a Friday, that we should totally have a dance party to celebrate.
(You can click the arrows that appear when you hover over the slideshow to zoom fwd/back or stop on a photo.)

So many wonderful people made it happen, and we had a great turnout. I'm so impressed with the quality kids that live around here and make up my daughter's peer group. They were just delightful.  My talented, generous sister-in-law came and took over 250 photos of the evening...these are just a sample of them. 

Special thanks also goes to my brother-in-law-turned DJ Extraordinaire...he was a ton of fun as he MC'd the evening. Bunch's awesome piano teacher loaned us the sound system, and several of our favorite friends came to help chaperone. My dear bestie Shelah's contributions and help were indispensable in making it special.  

Admission was a non-perishable donation to the Utah Food Bank; we collected 212 pounds of food that night, and dropped it off the next day.  It really was a magical, once-in-a-lifetime experience for Bunch, and I enjoyed everything about it. 

(Also, seriously can't believe I haven't heard from MOTY yet.  Hello?!!! ;-) )

Perchance To Dream

Last Friday, Doc took the day off work and the two of us flew to Long Beach for a little overnight get-away for my birthday. It was absolutely wonderful! 

Dodge Charger

We got this ridiculously amazing deal on Hotwire.com at the five-star Island Hotel in Newport Beach, so our accommodations were superb in every way, particularly because one thing on our agenda was going to the 103rd annual Christmas Boat Parade around Balboa Island...which was just a mile away.  Perfect!

I always reserve economy rental cars, but when we got to Alamo, they upgraded us to a sweet set of wheels. I've never had a car without a key before.  And talk about acceleration! This was a fun ride.

Tunnel through the rocks

Saturday we went to Treasure Island Park, which is a beautiful stretch of coast in South Laguna. We loved exploring the beautiful gardens and rocks along the shore. It was low tide, so we hiked out on the rocks where we were surrounded by ocean, and just talked for a couple hours with the air and the smells and sounds of the sea filling us up and making us feel peaceful.  Ahh, dear ocean, I love you!

Looking inland from the rocks, accessible because it was low tide.

"What are your dreams?", Doc asked me as we sat, mesmerized by the ocean.  I paused for a while before answering, because I wanted to check in with myself.  Do I currently have any dreams? I wondered.  Growing up, my greatest dream was having a happy marriage and family. Really, that was all I wanted in my life, and while it takes effort to maintain, that dream has pretty much come true. But I never really had aspirations beyond these two things.

Sometimes opportunities have presented themselves and I've seized them.  Like when I became a flight attendant eleven years ago - that has been a very happy thing in my life. I also tend to get excited for other people and their dreams, happily signing on to support them in lieu of chasing my own dreams.  For example, it's taken a lot of effort to put Doc through his Ph.D. and then, later, going to medical school, but I don't regret any of the sacrifices it's taken to help him get to this point.

Doc & my sis. They're actually so much alike it's scary. And wonderful.

YMMV but it seems like there has almost been a movement towards not just having dreams, but having BIG DREAMS. People SHOULD have an admirable dream! You are wasting your life otherwise. 

So lately I've almost felt guilty about not having a big dream that I'm actively working towards.  Everyone around me seems to be, so what the heck is my problem?!

Doc didn't ask this question to pressure me. He's just genuinely curious, and supportive of me in pursuing worthwhile things.  He recognizes that some people (me) tend to be more process-oriented, while others are seem to need a specific goal that they're actively pursuing. Their dreams may fulfill any number of purposes, such as:

• Making their lives meaningful - by making a difference in the world whether large-scale or small. Starting a charity, volunteerism (eg: school, community counsel, church, soup kitchen), doing God's work, finding a cure for the common cold, etc. They want to leave a legacy behind them.
• Self-improvement - eg: become healthier (lose weight, work out more, eat healthier), acquire education (get a degree, take piano lessons, learn to scrapbook, bake, cook etc), find a partner (romance goals), all things that make them more accomplished and self-confident.
• Have lots of fun - such things as travel the world, go in a hot air balloon, be a guest on Oprah.  The pursuit of fun, unique, interesting experiences. (It seems these kinds of goals are wildly popular.)
• Negative motivation - like proving to someone else that you could do something, eg: those kids who were mean to your nerdy self growing up, doing something impressive so you can show them. This kind of goal can still bring about positive results, even though it's not the best starting point.
• Goals that you set because you need to - like learning to walk and talk after a stroke, quitting smoking BECAUSE it's KILLING YOU, or training as a stenographer for a new career as a court reporter. 
• General goals or aims, such as "eat healthier" or "spend quality time with my spouse and kids", or "be an optimist - accentuate the positive in life"...and doing these kinds of things can help improve one's overall life, but they tend to be less accountable. (These are the kinds of "goals" I've generally had.)

Though once upon a time I was a person with modest aspirations, they have all either come to pass or didn't come to fruition, and I never zeroed in on new goals. Hence, I've landed in this place of not really doing much good with my life the last while (few years?). 

Now granted, during this time I've been working hard to heal from the past, and fending off depression can be a major goal/dream/aspiration/pursuit killer. But there's no point in waiting till I'm "better" to have dreams I'm working on. I love how Leonard Cohen put it in his song Anthem:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

So I've (again) begun thinking about goals and dreams.  I've watched this gorgeous message, and am hoping to identify what it is that I actually want. There are lots of things I'm pretty good at or that other people have suggested, but they haven't moved me to action. I'm sure that fear is the primary reason I am kind of stuck. Some of my dreams have been dashed, but rather than move on, I've felt sorry for myself and stopped trying, so as to avoid failure. How crazy is that?!  Also, I can be pretty lazy. 

I'm not yet sure what my dreams are. But I'm starting to zero in on the subject. I think I have a pretty good sense of the person I want to be generally (those General Goals mentioned above)...thoughtful, grateful, nice, honest, loyal, faithful to truth. I want to turn weaknesses into strengths, create happy memories for people I love, be a parent to and friends with my kids forever, and grow really old with my sweetheart while never losing the spark of love that we have. That would be a life well-lived. But in addition to these basics, I know there is room for me to soar.

Holiday Crimson Amaryllis

My darling bestie Keri sent me a gift this week for my birthday. Her note said "Sometimes beauty takes time. This is your year, Blue" 

It's an amaryllis, and it didn't come with instructions on how to make it bloom. Neither did I, but between all the resources out there, and the lovely people around me, I know that if I choose to, I can find and reach any dream I make.

Shakespeare asked well when he said: 
To be, or not to be, that is the question. 
I want to be.  And, perchance, to dream. 

Merry Christmas to you!
xoxo 

PS: (Did you click that first link? If you click nothing else, promise yourself that you will take just 10 minutes of your life and watch it. You won't regret it UNLESS YOUR HEART IS A PETRIFIED ROCK. I've watched it at least 15 times so far. Thank me later...preferably via a comment.)

Forty-Three!

It's midnight, straight up...which means it's officially my birthday! I'm grateful for so many things that I thought I'd make a random list of 43 of them. First, a quote I like:

My cake from 2010. So pretty!

There is always room for more gratitude in your life - more room for you to express it, and more room for you to receive it from others. Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. ~ Cicero Roman.

So, in no particular order:

1. Doc took a vacation day on Friday so he'd have some time to spend with me. HOTY*
2. Gator sets his alarm 30 minutes early every day, so he can come upstairs and snuggle with me for half an hour before he gets ready for school.
3. Bunch being such a great example for me. Since her thirteenth birthday over two years ago, she has never missed a single day of reading her scriptures (three chapters a night; two in the Old Testiment and one in The Book of Mormon) and writing in what she calls her Hand of God journal--a record she keeps to take note of the ways God has touched her life that day. She's inspiring.
4. I have so many really ridiculously wonderful friends. I mean, WHO HAS BETTER FRIENDS THAN ME? No one, that's who! Sorry to lump you all in together, friends. But seriously, if we're friends, you should just know you are amazing and I love you.
5. How cold and crisp the tap water is in the winter here. It's one of the things I love about winter (which, btw, is not a long list. #heatlover).
6. My neighbors are finally all lovely people and I don't hate going outside any longer.
7. The internet. It is a blessing and a time sink that I often mismanage, but I love it.
8. People who are truly charitable. And I don't mean in the "giving to charities" sense, rather in the 1 Corinthians 13 sense. I want to be like them.
9. Dear Really Good Books, I love to read and get lost in you. Please thank your authors on my behalf!
10. If anyone can share a better perk than my (paid) job comes with, I'll make you a batch of toffee. Those flight benefits are a thing I will ever be grateful for. NOTE: as of Nov. 28th this year, I have been a flight attendant for exactly one-quarter of my life.  That is crazy!
11. Music. Nothing else in this world has ever reached out and grabbed my soul and helped me just feel the way beautiful music does. I'm kind of particular about music because it affects me so much...can't handle stuff that doesn't have a good spirit about it. Kind of moronic in a way, but that's how I roll.
12. Hope. I'm grateful for hope's ability to help me and others carry on when things are hard or sad.  So hope, you deserve a gold star today! Thanks!
13. Health. Really Really REalLY! Is there anything worse than not having it?! You might think not having money is worse, but you'd be wrong.
14. Christmas cards. I am grateful for the mail every day right now, because so far we've gotten at least one card every time the mail arrives. So great to hear from people near and far. I feel all special and loved.
15. My sisters. They are my dearest friends. I miss them both pretty much every day of my life. There is simply nothing else like a sister.
16. My piano. It dominates 42.093581% of our livable space, but I couldn't live without it. Plus, bonus delight when my daughter and husband play it.
17. Random acts of kindness. I was the recipient of a generous one last month. What a lovely thing to be able to do something for someone that changes their life for the better! I hope someday I can really make a difference for someone else!
18. I just learned how to make caramel. It's beyond.
19. I still make amazing toffee. And cakes. This is a fun thing to do for others.
20. Hot running water. Okay, I like drinking cold tap water, but can you imaging if you had never experienced the luxury of bathing in hot water?  I feel so spoiled every time I'm in the shower or a hot bath, and think about the billions of people who've lived and died without ever having that amazing experience. I am a hot water LOVER! And hogger.
21. 24-hour Fitness gym membership. Somehow, even though I only go like once a month and am horrible about fitness, just knowing that it's always open and there for me if when I DO get off my duff and make it there is a great comfort to me. And they have a hot tub, too. (see #20)  I tried Yoga this week...3rd time in my life doing that. #feltgood
22. My therapist. Okay guys, seriously? What was I paying every other person I've seen in the past 20 years for? She has been helping me in so many ways. What a gift. I'm grateful she uses her time and talents to help people like me who have had hard things to sort through and heal from. Tender mercy of the Lord, indeed.
23. Blogging. I don't do it much these days, and I know Commenting Is So 2007! (for the most part).  But I still feel grateful for the people who read my patch of cyberspace, for the love and support and the friendships and insights I've gained from others, and how blogging has edified my life Lo These Many Years! 
24. Speaking of...I won a prize on a blog last month. I'm not telling what it is, but it was a good one and I intend to share it in 10 days! So yay! Grateful!
25. Libraries. I can't buy books...really, just almost none right now. So not in the budget. But I love reading and so do my kids. It's my favorite tax-supported thing.  Whoever invented libraries is a hero. I wish I were talented enough to do something like this to express my appreciation.
26. That color that the sky turns during sunrise or sunset. PinkyOrangishPurpley Gloriousness. Fills me with awe. Every time. (Okay, mostly sunset. See #36)
27. Gator's note thanking me for "Making his Kidhood such a happy one".
28. The mountains just east of my home have such a beautiful silhouette and shape. They're majestic!
29. Airplanes. Uncle Orville and Wilbur--I know that they'd have eventually been invented if you hadn't done it, but I just want to tell you that you guys are total rock ✰★✰★s!!!
30. Knowing how to make fun shapes with the keyboard like ✿.•*¨`*•✿.•*¨`*•✿ and  ♥
31. Opportunities to help other people in small, meaningful ways that they appreciate. As fun as it is to receive, it really is more rewarding to give than to receive for some reason. Seems like the joy lasts longer or something. I really do feel grateful when I make a difference for someone else in my own little way.
32. Opportunities to learn and grow. Sometimes these "opportunities" are really painful, but I do appreciate how they make me stronger. If they'd killed me, then I probably wouldn't be so grateful. But so far so good!
33. Cars that run. They're not fancy, but they're paid for and pretty reliable. And such a luxury, really. #canyouimaginewalkingeverywhere?
34. My faith. I know many people have little or no use for faith, religion, etc. in their lives. But I am who I am today because of the truth that I've learned (and am still trying to incorporate.) It is the greatest source of peace, hope and happiness in my life. Without it, I'd have destroyed my life a thousand times over with the idiotic choices and decisions I'd have made through the years. And when I HAVE made a mess of things, my faith has taught me how to turn things around again, and find that peace and happiness we all want. I believe in Christ, and I know he is our Savior, even for those of us who don't believe or understand why we needed one. And I'm very grateful for this.
35. The lights everywhere this time of year. Can't we all just agree to leave them up the entire winter?! Because I could probably learn to like the colddarkdreary months more if we did. They make me happy and make everything seem better. So thank you to everyone who puts lights on their homes. It's a sweet gift to strangers and friends alike.
36. Every morning, even if I'm still sounds asleep (which has been the case 94.3729% of the time), Doc and Bunch both come hug me before they leave for the day. Sometimes I know they're in a rush, but they do it anyway. (Bunch has her first class at 6am, so she leaves in the dark before the dawn). I'm an owl by nature, but wish I were a lark!
37. Good teachers for my kids. If someone gets to spend all that waking time with my darlings instead of me, then you can bet that I'm completely grateful for teachers who care about and nurture their minds and souls with wisdom, kindness, patience, creativity, beauty, inspiration and general niceness. Just being NICE to kids can make such a difference in a life! And mine both have great teachers this year.  #Winning
38. Things that make me laugh. Don't you love a good belly laugh?!
39. Discovering that a new food that I previously didn't like is now something I enjoy. Latest addition to my palate? Butternut Squash Soup. Who knew?!
40. Frienships with older people. Tonight my 89 year old cousin (okay, her mother and my grandfather were siblings...so,1st cousin once removed?) called me. She is such a darling, and we talk every 2-3 months. It's been one of the delights of my adult life to have a few dear older women "adopt" me and reach out. A year ago this week I lost my darling Alice, who was a grandmotherly figure for me my whole life. I'm excited to attend Georgiana's 90th birthday celebration next summer because I haven't seen her in 14 years. What a gem of a person. I want to be like these dears ladies in many ways.
41. Travel. Wait, you think I already mentioned this? It's different than flight benefits. I want to see SO many places. It makes me so happy to ponder the things I've yet to experience in this great big, amazingbeautifulwonderful world.
42. Rocks, Trees, and Water. Am I weird because I just love these things? Whatever. I have simply been enchanted by the colors, patterns, scent, shapes, majesty and power of them, and all they provide for us. I am RT&W Fan #1. (Yes, I am weird.)
43. Here I am at 43. What should this final slot contain after this random list of stuff? Really, I think I must end with my gratitude for gratitude. Meaning, that feeling that fills you up to the tippy top of you, all cozyhappywarmandlovely when you allow yourself to really be grateful and quiet inside. It's the best feeling I know, and makes me want to try harder to be a better me. You get that, too, right?!

Here's to another 43 years!

*Husband Of The Year. In recent polls, he is the frontrunner for the title.  

Wait, you're STILL HERE?  You mean you read that entire list? Wow. You are even MORE amazing than I even realized! #fivestarblogbuddy