Hobnob

Tonight we chilled with our buddy, Senator Orrin Hatch.

Okay, we're not really buddies. But we did hang out with him and he said I was pretty. I bet he kisses babies, too! :-)

Calling All Music Mavens

Okay, maybe not ALL.  Let me explain:

One thing I'm very committed to is creating magic in my kids' lives.  Birthdays are a big part of this, and I've always tried to create cakes and surprises to delight and enchant my little darlings. 

Bunch's birthday this year is kind of special...she turns fifteen on 11/11/11, which is such a fun date...it only happens once a century (see how I'm good at math like that?), PLUS it's on a Friday this year. FunFunFunFun!

So I was trying to think of what to do for her a while back.  Till now we've just had a bunch of girls at her parties, but her absolute MOST FAVORITE thing in the world are the big youth dances our church has three times a year, which you can start attending at age 14. She has loved them this past year, but wishes they'd have them at least once a month. 

Bunch before the most recent dance

So I started looking into it and thinking about what it would take to pull off hosting a dance.  With some thought I decided that why yes, I do believe I have what it takes. 

Because of limited cash flow (who needs a real DJ anyway) it's going to be an iPod Dance Party which is all the rage now I hear (when I'm in an echoey room). Plus my awesome brother in law agreed to be our MC slash DJ and the kids will love him because, seriously, FUNNIEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET. If funny=crazynaturalentertainer. So really, what else do I need (#SpeakersFoodBouncers)

But as for the music part, I'm going to need some help.  

And that is where YOU come in.  Because I have NO IDEA what songs to get for a youth dance.  I'm betting the kids wouldn't be super impressed if I load up my favorites and turn the Platters lose on them. #tooclassy

So dear readers, lurkers and friends, help a hopelessly-lost-in-the-musical-past-momma out. Leave a comment with suggestions of songs that are appropriate for kids at a  dance in a church  (read: not explicit, no suggestive or profane lyrics, yet current, with good dance-beat and popular with kids today). I'll be hitting Amazon.com music downloads and creating a playlist before the big day, and could use all the input I can get.  Bunch has plenty of slow song ideas, but the fasties are where we're both in need of major help.

When I finally told her what we are planning, she was SUPEREXCITEDTOTHEMAX.  Her first comment was "I don't want anything except this dance for my birthday. And let's have people bring a donation for the Utah Food Bank for admission!" What a BRILLIANT idea! 

So that's the scoop.  We’ll be collecting food for the hungry and have an awesome dance party while celebrating the once-a-century date.  It’s a bit of a stretch for me as I’m unaccustomed to heading up really big events, but I think it’s under control. A lot of amazing people have offered to come and help out, so I'm sure it'll be awesome as long as BOYS show up!*

So, hit me with your best shot songs...fire away (guessing that's not one of them.)  Thanks!!!

xoxo, 

Blue

*Note to my local friends who are Mothers of Boys...(okay fine, girls too), we'd love to have your children join us if they're the gotta get footloose type. Please let me know if you'd like more information.

How It Went

Hi guys!

Okay, I think a little background info is in order before following up on my last post.  

As I've mentioned before, it's been years since I cut off contact with my parents.  Five, in fact.  

At that time I wasn't sure how long it might be. I didn't really have a plan, I just knew that for my own sanity, I needed some distance and time to heal from the abuse and neglect of my childhood, and that just wasn't happening as long as they were in the picture. I tried to be nice about it, but really, there's no way something like that doesn't hurt. And I hate hurting people.

A year later I checked in with my mother while she was visiting a friend who lives near me. I told her I still wasn't ready to resume contact. 

Another year passed and that's when I confronted my father (as I wrote about and linked to in my previous post).  That was three years ago.  

I described part of my journey to this point in a talk I gave this past April, which explains how I was able to get to the point I was at last Christmas Eve, when I sent them a long email, the heart of which was to tell them: 

I’ve been working hard and praying hard, and I want you to know that I forgive you both for the things that you did, and didn’t do, which have caused me pain.  I know you are both good-hearted people with good intentions. We kids were a handful and you did what you could, and some things you couldn’t do, but we all at least survived, and I’m grateful for what I’ve learned so far in my life.  I really am."

So again, I want you to know that I do forgive you, and I’ve been praying for you both, but unfortunately I’m still very uncomfortable about having you in my life. And I’m sorry about that, but it’s just where I’m at.

Which brings us up to this past Saturday when my father called.

Since you're probably curious to know, I will tell you that overall, dinner went pretty well. I was noticeably quieter than usual; not really comfortable, but trying to be pleasant. But my typically reserved, "back row kind of guy" husband really stepped up to the plate and was conversant, engaging and sociable.  My sweet girl was her cheery, normal self. And even Gator, who didn't really want to go, also did just fine. It all made me feel so supported, thankful for, and in love with my little family! (And then I came home and had several lovely notes of support from my bloggy friends.  Imy bloggy friends!  Thanks for the notes and emails!)

As we were leaving the restaurant my father asked if there was a time we could talk before they left town. I didn't have my calendar on me, so I told him I'd call and let him know.  (By the way: Did you know that buying yourself a little time in situations like this is actually part of having healthy boundaries? I didn't realize that until my therapist mentioned it yesterday.)

I can't say I actually wanted to meet again, but I felt like I should at least make an effort to hear what he wanted to say.  So I called Sunday night and arranged to meet for breakfast on Monday morning.  At the last moment, my mother asked if it was okay to bring my brother Davis along.  "ABSOLUTELY!"  (SO glad I didn't have to do it alone!)

We met at IHOP and after a few minutes of chitchat my dad dove in.  I wasn't sure if he was going to announce that he was terminally ill and had just weeks to live, or what.  But I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that really, it was just about the family stuff.

One thing they were both a bit confused about was how come things aren't better between us, since I've supposedly forgiven them.  We (Davis and I) had to explain that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and trust.  And honestly, I don't think that he EVER realized this before.  I could see the dawning of understanding in his eyes as we explained this concept to him.  Forgiving him didn't mean we trusted them, or felt comfortable being with them.  

I should have used the example (but I didn't think of it at the moment) of Sigfried and Roy, who had the most visited show in Las Vegas, until one night during a performance, Roy was bitten on the neck by a seven-year-old male tiger named Montecore, and dragged off the stage. He suffered severe blood loss, a stroke and partial paralysis and has spent years in rehabilitation.

These men loved that tiger. They'd raised him from a cub and spent time with him every day of his life. But this event changed their relationship forever.  They could forgive the tiger (if you'll excuse the example of forgiving an animal...this is a metaphor after all), they could even still love the tiger, but the trust they once had was shattered, and their show had to be permanently cancelled.  

Sometimes when things are serious enough, trust won't ever be restored 100%--at least in this life. My parents have a long way to go before I will be in a position to really trust them again. 

The other really big thing was explaining to my father that we think he has very high-functioning Asperger's, or something along those lines (my totally unprofessional diagnosis)...because he has always had a massive blind spot that he doesn't even realize is there when it comes to social issues and how interpersonal relationships work.  This was totally news to him, but all three of us insisted unanimously that it's true.

It was like trying to explain to someone that can't see the color red that there's this whole part of the spectrum that most of us are aware of, but that they didn't know existed. And we didn't realize he couldn't see it all this time, but we're starting to put the pieces together. 

So now, having had this brought to his attention, perhaps he can do some research and gain some knowledge about the matter that might make it easier for him and those around him in the future.  He just really doesn't understand how some human interactions work, and that is part of the problem (though it doesn't account for his uncontrolled temper, which thing never really did change even after the sexual abuse stopped. Discussing this part may help him be aware of why we're uncomfortable even now.) 

I can't honestly recreate much of our breakfast conversation WHICH LASTED FOUR HOURS, (made sure he left the poor, underpaid waitress a really big tip), but ultimately I feel like there was some movement for all of us I think, and over all it was probably a good thing that we had the talk. I agreed to allow limited email communication, and I was able to say some things that I probably needed to say.  

I know I don't have all the answers about this whole matter of healing and forgiving deep wounds. I'm no expert, but I DO I feel like I'm being led along, tweaked and turned in ways that will ultimately help in the (in-depth, never-ending, intensive) refining process, and I’m just trying to be humble enough to let myself be helped if possible. I share my journey here in case it might in some small way help another in their own life.

I really do hope that my parents can continue to learn and progress so that things can really improve for them.  It kind of seemed like they were still hyper-focused on me, and trying to get me to change so that things would be "all better" in our family.  I may have imagined it, but it felt like maybe they realized there were things that they still need to do and CAN do on their end.  So that gave me hope.

Thanks again for the support during this experience. It means a lot to me!

xoxo,

Blue

PS: I really will be getting to the promised Drama Triangle.  Soon!

Unexpected Call...

Dropping the bags of groceries I was carrying on the table just now, I answered the phone. It was an unfamiliar number on the caller ID. Expecting a telemarketer, (delay after answering and a poor connection), it took me a moment to catch what the caller was saying, but he asked for me by name. I said it was me, and then he told me his name. I replied "oh..........hi."  

He either didn't catch my response, or thought perhaps I'd misheard him, so he further clarified, stating his name and adding "your father". 

I haven't heard his voice in 3 years...since the last time I saw him.  It's been 4 years since I had talked to or saw my mother.  

"We're at Temple Square (downtown Salt Lake City) and even though it's last-minute, we're wondering if we can take you guys to dinner."

I'm not usually quick on my feet in such situations, so my default tendency is to decline. But I surprised myself (and probably him) by being open to the possibility.   "Let me check...can you hold on for a minute?"

I asked my family what they thought.  They agreed to the idea. So here we go...20 minutes till we meet them at a restaurant. I don't know what will happen, but I do know it won't be nothing.  Here goes...

Forget Not...

This is a little reminder from one of my favorite talks last week.  Entire talk can be found here.