Trust

I used to have a different blog. I had it long before anyone I knew had a blog, and I loved my blog. Then almost 4 years ago my childhood finally started to catch up to me, and as a matter of survival I sent a letter to my "upline" asking them to not contact me or my family any more, including reading my blog.

Perhaps it was because one of my siblings had stopped talking to them years before, without even a formal request for no contact, and they seemed to just let them peacefully go their own way, I assumed they'd oblige and respect my Official Request and I'd be off the hook, too.

That wasn't the first time I've been wrong. Won't be the last.

Where before he'd never followed my blog, suddenly my dad started leaving comments not only my blog, but Doc and Bunch's blogs, too. Before this time, he would maybe pick up the phone or write once a year (if that). He'd let my mom sign his name on just about every card I'd ever gotten for my birthday. I can only recall one gift that was specifically from him in my entire life...a set of white scriptures. He simply didn't bother with relationships.

Now suddenly he was doing anything he could (mail, email, phone) to contact me...all while never mentioning my letter.

(Which had been very clear, in as kind a way as I could put it, about why I needed to cut them off. If there is, in fact, a kind way to essentially divorce oneself from one's parents.).

His refusal to respect my request for no contact all while ignoring the matter entirely was maddening.

After a few weeks of this I reached breaking point and in vintage John Grisham style, I entered my own "blogger witness protection program". I abruptly abandoned my old blog, and any readers following it. I didn't write a final post, or offer any explanation. I simply "escaped", at a time when flight was really the only coping mechanism I could manage. I'd never been good at standing up for myself.

The next couple years were so free. This new blog became a haven for me. But like those in the witness protection program, I was a little paranoid of being discovered. I tried to be SO cautious, but one day, my biggest blog fear happened.

I was reading my site stats. Now, I know the habits of my readers. Most of you never click anything...and a two minute visit is impressive. But one night, someone had been on for hours and hours, reading every blasted page of my blog.

I felt gut-punched. I'm just not THAT interesting, and I know it. Then I looked at the location of this visitor. Strike two--my parents town. Looking up the ISP confirmed my worst fear: they'd found me. Or at least one of them had.

In a world with half a billion blogs at the time, I hadn't been too worried that they'd just stumble across it on their own. They're just not technically savvy. But (and you are welcome to laugh at me!) I naively trusted that even if they did somehow...as soon as they realized it was mine, they'd stop reading. You know, out of respect for my privacy, because, you know, I'd sent That Nice Letter.

I'm such an idiot at times!

I emailed them that night. It was my first contact with them in 2 years, but I confronted them and asked them to let me know if it wasn't them, because I was feeling kind of violated.

It took almost a month before I finally got a reply, and it was from my mother, who confirmed it was just her. She then apologized and said "I feel really sorry for that. Will you forgive me? I promise not to do it again without your permission."

I wanted to know how she found out about it. I asked repeatedly, but that question was avoided. Eventually I found out that it was my own carelessness in leaving a comment on my sister's blog without changing my name to "anonymous" so it was linked to my profile that was my undoing. My older brother's wife saw it, told him, who immediately fed the information to the parents.

And that's the story.

Though I don't trust the older brother or his wife who never agreed not to read it, for some reason I trusted my parents would do as they promised and not read my blog. I know you are probably thinking I am being ridiculous. "It's out there where the whole world can see it", some have told me. "It's asking a lot for them to not look at it when everyone else is allowed."

Still, old habits die hard, and in many ways I'm still that small kid who wants to believe their parents are trustworthy.

When I was five, I was digging around in the dirt one day when I found an old, rusty, odd-shaped hammer buried in the dirt in our yard. I was elated with this fantastic treasure...it was the neatest thing mother earth could have offered up in to me!

I have no idea why, but my little tool just seemed to need me to scratch my name, complete with backward letters, on the front of my mom's wooden dresser.

I had to oblige.

When she discovered what I'd done, I was in H.O.T. water. That spanking still stands out in my mind 35+ years later. It was epic. But thankfully she didn't take my beloved little hammer away from me, so I was able to scratch my name into my dad's dresser too! So they'd match, you see.

When she discovered second signature, not only did I lose my precious hammer for good, but we had a serious talk about trust, and how when it's broken, it "takes a really long time to regain it". She explained that she had lost her trust in me, which was very painful for my five-year old soul.

I've known for a while that they didn't keep their promise.

Known it, but I don't have it in me to pull up stakes and run away again like the last time. So I'm here for good. I still don't want them to read my blog, and every time it happens I feel a little further away from ever mending the situation. If I started over, it would only be a matter of time before I messed up and they found my new patch of cyberspace.

It's a small world, after all.

Grateful for:
1) That two year reprieve I enjoyed. I was able to heal and grow a lot during that time.
2) My new bloggy followers. Even if you never comment...I see that you've visited and that gives me warm fuzzies.
3) Doc finished his first of his 13 Transitional Year rotations today. It was a grueling one, but the next month won't be bad at all in comparison.