Yesterday Bunch and I were talking about the future. We’re currently trying to figure out where our 2nd choice for residency would be, should Doc not match into the ONE radiology slot here, and we have to move when he graduates. (Our 1st choice is to stay here).
It’s significant because the kids will go through junior high and high school during those years, and Bunch will even start college. So it caught me off guard when she mentioned that she would like to live at home when she’s in college.
“You don’t want to live on campus?” I asked.
“No, I’d like to live at home.” she replied.
Wow! Way to melt a mommy’s heart! Whether it happens or not, can I just say how precious those words were to me!
From a very early age I couldn’t wait to move out. To find a true “home”. I vividly remember the first time I ever heard that people get to leave home. I was four years old, and a baby sitter mentioned that she was going away to college, which I’d never heard of before. She explained that she’d live there so I wouldn’t see her as often. I asked her where she would sleep and she told me that you sleep at school, in dorms. What a concept! As my young brain tried to wrap itself around the prospect of moving away, it seemed like an eternity to wait till I could do the same. I hadn’t even started kindergarten yet.
If you’ve read much of my blog, you’ll know that things didn’t improve much in the next few years. The last day of school in fourth grade, the teacher handed out our report cards which also revealed which class we’d been assigned to for the following year. I desperately hoped I’d get Mrs. Chilius, because the other class was going to be a new teacher. A new teacher no one had ever heard of. A new teacher we knew nothing about. It was too much of a wild card. I wasn’t close to Mrs.Chilius, but at least she was a known quantity.
It was a serious Charlie Bucket moment. You know when his family scraped together their last farthings to get him the Wonka Bar for his birthday, and everyone held their breath as he carefully pulled back the wrapper hoping to see that sparkly golden ticket beneath? I held my breath as I pulled my report card out of the envelope, skipping over the grades to see who I’d been assigned the next year.
And the letdown was immense. Not Mrs. Chilius. The new teacher. Whose name wasn’t even on the card. Just the room number.
I spent a summer slightly dreading the new year, with no real expectation that things would be any better. My life was in a bit of a spiral.
The first day of fifth grade, it took me about 3.2956 seconds to fall in love with her. Miss Ryan was young, energetic, and feisty. With her red locks and fair skin, I thought she was beautiful. She had loads of fresh ideas, and a fiercely devoted heart. She was a breath of fresh air in a school that was getting along in years. I had definitely won the teacher lotto.
As a kid I liked basically everyone, but felt like most people didn’t like me. There was obviously a lot of cognitive distortion going on with my thinking, but that’s how I felt at the time. Most people didn’t really spend much time thinking about me at all. We were just kids.
But Miss Ryan liked me. She was the first person in my life who seemed to care about whether I was happy, if I was thriving, and how I was developing. She spent extra time with me, in what could only be thought of as an intervention. She made up a little notebook which she called “Operation Blue”, and we’d meet together after school and talk about how I was doing, and write notes and thoughts down. She tried to help me think about things from a different perspective. Encouraged me. Listened. Inspired me.
She was the best school teacher I ever had.
When I was in eight grade, Vicki moved to California. She was assigned to be my teacher at church, and for two years I basked in the glow of her love and encouragement. She arrived on the scene in my life after a particularly difficult two years of junior high school. I’d been praying every night for God to just “take me back” in my sleep. Was never suicidal, but was so sad all the time and didn’t see any other solutions.
Vicki was the second adult that I knew loved me. Who believed in me and gave me hope. Whenever I was tempted to make a wrong choice, it was the thought of disappointing Vicki, not my parents, that helped me be true to what I knew was right. Her good opinion of me kept me out of a lot of trouble. I honestly felt like her family was sent to California just for me. They moved away shortly after I turned sixteen, but her impact on my life can’t be understated. We’ve kept in touch all these years.
The Johnsons made a timely entrance onto my life scene right around the time Vicki moved away. You know the type of people who just have a GIFT for working with teens and young adults? That was the Johnsons, and I fell promptly in love with the entire family.
One of the first things that Brother Johnson told me when we met was that there was someone I should be friends with. Her name was Mary, and her mother had recently passed away. For reasons I was never clear on, even though her father and siblings lived nearby, Mary had become a foster child at the Johnson’s home.
I adored Mary and we became friends right off. I never said anything about it to her, but I was so jealous that she got to live be part of their family and I didn’t. Just didn’t seem fair. I did my level best to spend as much time with Mary and the Johnsons as possible, and they were a wonderful influence on me.
My friendship with them carried me through the next few years till that eternally distant day finally arrived: I left home for college.
The 12 hour drive with my dad seemed like forever, but we finally arrived on campus. After he helped me carry my things to my dorm room, he said he’d let me get settled for a bit, and then take me to dinner at a pizza joint he’d dined at back when he attended the same university. While I was hungry and looked forward to eating at a restaurant (a very rare event in my life), I simply couldn’t wait for him to leave that day. The moment he finally said goodbye and left, I felt the most exhilarating sense of freedom for the first time in my life. I wanted to dance, to sing, to twirl. It was fabulous!
I couldn't have made it without my dear girlfriends growing up, but these adults were the main reasons I made it through with the personal values that have governed my life. They instilled hope, believed in me, inspired me to keep trying, and convinced me that I was loved.
I believe everyone has guardian angels…and sometimes they’re flesh and blood.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I've been Somewhere in Time...
I'm honestly not sure where the past two weeks have gone. Wait. Oh yeah. One of them was spent criss-crossing back and forth across the country a number of times for work. That always sort of puts me into a time warp. It's somewhat disorienting to "come back to earth" and try to catch up on all that has happened with my peeps while I was suspended mid-air for a week. Think Somewhere in Time*...when Richard pulls the 1979 penny out of his pocket and is suddenly sucked back through the vortex to the present day. That's kind of what it's like when I get home from work every month.
But I'm almost adjusted now, and have enjoyed a number of fun activities this week. I was able to attend the annual PTA "Picnic Lunch with Your Student" at Bunch and Gator's school, and visited them during their class Valentines parties. And then I was thrilled to go to lunch with some of the dearest of friends I've made here on Friday to celebrate the estimable Michelle's birthday. It was a great day.
For our grand Valentine's weekend, I made Doc and the kids chocolate covered strawberries and enjoyed spending time with them. Doc and I went out for lunner yesterday...it was supposed to be lunch, but it was after 4pm when we finally ate so it became dinner too. Then we headed up to Park City to a classmate's house for a get-together. He kept me out far too late and we had a lazy Sunday morning as a result.
I know some people abhor Valentines Day (and Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other "made up" holidays), but I l♥ves them. I love that as a country we all, from the smallest school child to the most aged among us, pause to express love to the people we care about. It's not the only day of the year that we do that, but it's one of them, and I enjoy it. Mainly because I always have an abundance of gratitude for people in my heart...and it's nice to have a day when expressing it in some way won't squeeb people out so much. Not that I ever squeeb my people out of course. But just saying. (No squeebing, right?)
I have been reading blogs lately, but have gotten out of habit of commenting on any of them. A few of my favorite bloggers have recently gone "comment-free"...turning off the feedback loop. I've been tempted to do that myself, but have instead just stopped worrying whether anyone says anything when I write. So please don't feel like you need to chime in. I feel like comments are a gift...and the best gifts are the ones you don't expect, that the giver is excited to give, so it's a true "win-win" moment for everyone.
I know this is one of the issues that the Valentine's Day (and Mother's Day and Father's Day) haters get so energized over. That whole tricky sense of obligation is overwhelming and burdensome. They don't like feeling like they're expected to give something just because Hallmark or someone dictates it. They'd rather just do something out of the blue (and blue, as we all know, is simply FABULOUS) when the recipient least expects it. I agree that unexpected gifts (of words or deeds) are wonderful. But that doesn't, imho, negate the beauty of anything given to another on a holiday.
I always try to give thoughtful, sincere gifts to the people I love. In fact, one of my greatest frustrations is when there is something that I wish I could give to someone, but just can't afford. Not that all the gifts I give are purchased. Sometimes I come up with splendid ideas of ways to serve or kindnesses I can give that don't cost money...and those are the best ones of all. But there are times I think of something that costs money, and it's painful that I am just not in a position to give it. Like I'd love to pay off a few people's student loans. And fund the cost of adopting a baby for a certain loved one. And pay off the mortgages of all my loved ones. And set everyone I care about up with a year's supply of essentials (food/water/energy source). And there are a few people on my list who could use a new car. I'd love nothing better than to park one in front of their house and put a card with the key in the mailbox. Wouldn't that be fun! I have some loved ones with health care bills I'd love to make disappear. Man if I could just be a fairy godmother for a day, it'd be one very busy day.
So back to my blog; Please think of commenting here in the same way. I don't expect, nor am I trying to solicit, feedback from my readers. I'm trying to be authentic in my motives for writing here. It's mainly for me...and the few people who actually know me and are genuinely interested in my life. Frankly, most of my posts aren't even comment-worthy. And if you blog and I ever leave a note for you, know it's given with no sense of obligation or "tit-for-tat" aspirations. Life is just too short for that kind of guilt.
Happy week to all! ♥
PS: any questions I ask are merely rhetorical in nature. Kind of like the whole premise of Jeopardy. What is rhetorical?
*That's one of my favorite movies, by the way. I saw it with Doc when we were freshmen in college like a 21 zillion years ago. I haven't watched it since then, so maybe it's actually super cheesy and I only enjoyed it because I was watching it with the most fabulous guy on planet earth. So if you watch it and it really IS horrendous, don't blame me. You should have watched it with the person you were falling in love with cause then it'd be one for the books in your memory.
PPS: I don't see very many movies compared to the general population. And I'm a worthless critic. Unless it's crude, lewd, profane or violent. And I can't do horror. And I love happy endings. And that's probably more information than anyone cares about.
PPPS: Marie Calendar's is having their big Any Pie $6.99 sale right now. It's hard to pass up. We currently have the chocolate satin and double lemon cream pies in our fridge. They won't be there long though.
PPPPS: is it supposed to be PPS:, or is it supposed to be PSS:? I'm thinking adding the p's cause doesn't it stand for "post script". Post Post Post makes more sense than Script Script Script. I'm just too lazy to google it right now.
PPPPPPS: (I snuck an extra p or two in there just for fun) sometimes I get really honest on this blog, but I admit I'm a little bit afraid to go there right now. Real Blue will be back some day though.
But I'm almost adjusted now, and have enjoyed a number of fun activities this week. I was able to attend the annual PTA "Picnic Lunch with Your Student" at Bunch and Gator's school, and visited them during their class Valentines parties. And then I was thrilled to go to lunch with some of the dearest of friends I've made here on Friday to celebrate the estimable Michelle's birthday. It was a great day.
For our grand Valentine's weekend, I made Doc and the kids chocolate covered strawberries and enjoyed spending time with them. Doc and I went out for lunner yesterday...it was supposed to be lunch, but it was after 4pm when we finally ate so it became dinner too. Then we headed up to Park City to a classmate's house for a get-together. He kept me out far too late and we had a lazy Sunday morning as a result.
I know some people abhor Valentines Day (and Mother's Day, Father's Day, and any other "made up" holidays), but I l♥ves them. I love that as a country we all, from the smallest school child to the most aged among us, pause to express love to the people we care about. It's not the only day of the year that we do that, but it's one of them, and I enjoy it. Mainly because I always have an abundance of gratitude for people in my heart...and it's nice to have a day when expressing it in some way won't squeeb people out so much. Not that I ever squeeb my people out of course. But just saying. (No squeebing, right?)
I have been reading blogs lately, but have gotten out of habit of commenting on any of them. A few of my favorite bloggers have recently gone "comment-free"...turning off the feedback loop. I've been tempted to do that myself, but have instead just stopped worrying whether anyone says anything when I write. So please don't feel like you need to chime in. I feel like comments are a gift...and the best gifts are the ones you don't expect, that the giver is excited to give, so it's a true "win-win" moment for everyone.
I know this is one of the issues that the Valentine's Day (and Mother's Day and Father's Day) haters get so energized over. That whole tricky sense of obligation is overwhelming and burdensome. They don't like feeling like they're expected to give something just because Hallmark or someone dictates it. They'd rather just do something out of the blue (and blue, as we all know, is simply FABULOUS) when the recipient least expects it. I agree that unexpected gifts (of words or deeds) are wonderful. But that doesn't, imho, negate the beauty of anything given to another on a holiday.
I always try to give thoughtful, sincere gifts to the people I love. In fact, one of my greatest frustrations is when there is something that I wish I could give to someone, but just can't afford. Not that all the gifts I give are purchased. Sometimes I come up with splendid ideas of ways to serve or kindnesses I can give that don't cost money...and those are the best ones of all. But there are times I think of something that costs money, and it's painful that I am just not in a position to give it. Like I'd love to pay off a few people's student loans. And fund the cost of adopting a baby for a certain loved one. And pay off the mortgages of all my loved ones. And set everyone I care about up with a year's supply of essentials (food/water/energy source). And there are a few people on my list who could use a new car. I'd love nothing better than to park one in front of their house and put a card with the key in the mailbox. Wouldn't that be fun! I have some loved ones with health care bills I'd love to make disappear. Man if I could just be a fairy godmother for a day, it'd be one very busy day.
So back to my blog; Please think of commenting here in the same way. I don't expect, nor am I trying to solicit, feedback from my readers. I'm trying to be authentic in my motives for writing here. It's mainly for me...and the few people who actually know me and are genuinely interested in my life. Frankly, most of my posts aren't even comment-worthy. And if you blog and I ever leave a note for you, know it's given with no sense of obligation or "tit-for-tat" aspirations. Life is just too short for that kind of guilt.
Happy week to all! ♥
PS: any questions I ask are merely rhetorical in nature. Kind of like the whole premise of Jeopardy. What is rhetorical?
*That's one of my favorite movies, by the way. I saw it with Doc when we were freshmen in college like a 21 zillion years ago. I haven't watched it since then, so maybe it's actually super cheesy and I only enjoyed it because I was watching it with the most fabulous guy on planet earth. So if you watch it and it really IS horrendous, don't blame me. You should have watched it with the person you were falling in love with cause then it'd be one for the books in your memory.
PPS: I don't see very many movies compared to the general population. And I'm a worthless critic. Unless it's crude, lewd, profane or violent. And I can't do horror. And I love happy endings. And that's probably more information than anyone cares about.
PPPS: Marie Calendar's is having their big Any Pie $6.99 sale right now. It's hard to pass up. We currently have the chocolate satin and double lemon cream pies in our fridge. They won't be there long though.
PPPPS: is it supposed to be PPS:, or is it supposed to be PSS:? I'm thinking adding the p's cause doesn't it stand for "post script". Post Post Post makes more sense than Script Script Script. I'm just too lazy to google it right now.
PPPPPPS: (I snuck an extra p or two in there just for fun) sometimes I get really honest on this blog, but I admit I'm a little bit afraid to go there right now. Real Blue will be back some day though.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
25 Random Things...
So there's this thing floating around facebook that I kept getting tagged by people to do, so I finally did it. But since most of my bloggy friends aren't facebook friends, I'm co-opting it and posting it here too. Feel free to do this on your blog too if you like. I'm not going to tag anyone.
1. I just signed up to run my first full marathon...the San Diego Rock & Roll on May 31st. It's my dang sister's fault. She's always convincing me to do these crazy things (ran the Long Beach 1/2 marathon in October with her. Using the term "ran" extremely loosely.)
2. I've done some kind of exercise every day but Sunday since I turned 40, errr, "39 Forever", last year. Saying "last year" makes it sound a lot longer than it actually is.
3. I got pregnant with my first child on Valentines Day thirteen years ago. Yes, we know for sure it was that day. Probably the most expensive date we'll ever go on (factoring the cost of raising a child...).
4. I play the piano by ear, and enjoy improvising and making up little songs. But I'm nowhere close to being an excellent pianist, and rarely have a number polished enough to perform for an audience. But I could play for hours when it doesn't matter.
5. I chose my 2nd apartment in college because it had a piano in the living room. That seemed too good to pass up. I currently have two pianos at home, a grand and a digital upright for middle-of-the-night jamming (with headphones).
6. Doc and I have now been together longer than we were apart. I have only sketchy memories about life before we met.
7. I got the bends after my first real SCUBA diving excursion the first summer we spent in Bermuda. Spent 18 hours total in a very cramped recompression chamber staffed by volunteers. Had to pee the whole time.
8. I must have a fairly high pain tolerance. Gave birth twice without any pain relief. The second time it wasn't intentional. And Pitocin is the devil incarnate.
9. I love reading in bed. Curling up and getting lost in a good book is one of my all-time favorite things to do.
10. In my youth I was on the school track, volleyball, softball and gymnastics teams. I was never especially good at any of them, but they were beneficial activities to be involved in. My parents never attended a single meet or game.
11. In 7th grade I was cast as the Captain in Gilbert & Sullivan's "H.M.S. Pinafore"...which was the male lead. The script had the word "damn" in it repeatedly, which my mother insisted they change to "darn".
12. I won a prize at the last Halloween party I attended for my very unique uterus costume.
13. It's my intention to someday go on a "girl trip" with every one of my best friends. My fantasy would be to charter a nice yacht or tri-maran and have take all of them on a cruise together. That'd be a trip of a lifetime.
14. Two things I'd love to do which I never have are ride in a hot air balloon and ride in a helicopter (not as a patient). Just a matter of $ and scheduling.
15. If I ever see 12:15 on a clock, it makes me feel happy cause that's my birthday and I love that day!
16. One of my resolutions this year was to learn one new complicated piece of music...which requires reading music. So it'll take the full year to master for sure. Any suggestions on a song I should consider? (Not Johan Pachelbel's Cannon in D, because that's my all-time favorite song and I've played it thousands of times in thousands of ways.)
17. I sometimes write prose, and on rare occasions poems. I may have written about you, but you'll never get to read it.
18. I can't imagine a life without chocolate or hazelnuts. But it'd probably be better if they'd never been discovered. Interestingly, I really wasn't into chocolate till this decade. It's all Doc's fault for giving me one of these babies.That's what did it for me.
19. I make fabulous English Toffee. It's superior to Almond Roca candy which I used to love but not so much any more since my toffee is superior.
20. I had a water birth with my first child. She was the first water birth at the University of Chicago hospital. It was an amazing experience, and was written about in a front-page article in the Chicago Tribune.
21. I plan to write a memoir someday. Inspired by Jeanette Walls "The Glass Castle" because she showed me that anyone who is interesting has a past.
22. Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point" changed my life. I read it while visiting my friend Ann in Paris, and the discussion we had was a major paradigm shift for me, and reframed my perceptions about much of my past.
23. I haven't ever traveled so long or far that I'm ready to go home again. I wonder at what point my wanderlust would be sated.
24. Nearly everything I've worn in my adult life has been purchased second-hand or given to me by someone else, which I appreciate, as does my eternal-student husband. I don't have much of a fashion sense, but very sweet friends have intervened in my life in an effort to keep me off the "What Not To Wear" show.
25. The only diploma I've ever gotten was at Junior High graduation. I dropped out of high school my senior year, enrolled in community college and then transferred to a four-year college. I walked through graduation while enrolled in my last course via independent study, but never finished the course and thus never got my diploma. So far this fact hasn't held me back.
1. I just signed up to run my first full marathon...the San Diego Rock & Roll on May 31st. It's my dang sister's fault. She's always convincing me to do these crazy things (ran the Long Beach 1/2 marathon in October with her. Using the term "ran" extremely loosely.)
2. I've done some kind of exercise every day but Sunday since I turned 40, errr, "39 Forever", last year. Saying "last year" makes it sound a lot longer than it actually is.
3. I got pregnant with my first child on Valentines Day thirteen years ago. Yes, we know for sure it was that day. Probably the most expensive date we'll ever go on (factoring the cost of raising a child...).
4. I play the piano by ear, and enjoy improvising and making up little songs. But I'm nowhere close to being an excellent pianist, and rarely have a number polished enough to perform for an audience. But I could play for hours when it doesn't matter.
5. I chose my 2nd apartment in college because it had a piano in the living room. That seemed too good to pass up. I currently have two pianos at home, a grand and a digital upright for middle-of-the-night jamming (with headphones).
6. Doc and I have now been together longer than we were apart. I have only sketchy memories about life before we met.
7. I got the bends after my first real SCUBA diving excursion the first summer we spent in Bermuda. Spent 18 hours total in a very cramped recompression chamber staffed by volunteers. Had to pee the whole time.
8. I must have a fairly high pain tolerance. Gave birth twice without any pain relief. The second time it wasn't intentional. And Pitocin is the devil incarnate.
9. I love reading in bed. Curling up and getting lost in a good book is one of my all-time favorite things to do.
10. In my youth I was on the school track, volleyball, softball and gymnastics teams. I was never especially good at any of them, but they were beneficial activities to be involved in. My parents never attended a single meet or game.
11. In 7th grade I was cast as the Captain in Gilbert & Sullivan's "H.M.S. Pinafore"...which was the male lead. The script had the word "damn" in it repeatedly, which my mother insisted they change to "darn".
12. I won a prize at the last Halloween party I attended for my very unique uterus costume.
13. It's my intention to someday go on a "girl trip" with every one of my best friends. My fantasy would be to charter a nice yacht or tri-maran and have take all of them on a cruise together. That'd be a trip of a lifetime.
14. Two things I'd love to do which I never have are ride in a hot air balloon and ride in a helicopter (not as a patient). Just a matter of $ and scheduling.
15. If I ever see 12:15 on a clock, it makes me feel happy cause that's my birthday and I love that day!
16. One of my resolutions this year was to learn one new complicated piece of music...which requires reading music. So it'll take the full year to master for sure. Any suggestions on a song I should consider? (Not Johan Pachelbel's Cannon in D, because that's my all-time favorite song and I've played it thousands of times in thousands of ways.)
17. I sometimes write prose, and on rare occasions poems. I may have written about you, but you'll never get to read it.
18. I can't imagine a life without chocolate or hazelnuts. But it'd probably be better if they'd never been discovered. Interestingly, I really wasn't into chocolate till this decade. It's all Doc's fault for giving me one of these babies.That's what did it for me.
19. I make fabulous English Toffee. It's superior to Almond Roca candy which I used to love but not so much any more since my toffee is superior.
20. I had a water birth with my first child. She was the first water birth at the University of Chicago hospital. It was an amazing experience, and was written about in a front-page article in the Chicago Tribune.
21. I plan to write a memoir someday. Inspired by Jeanette Walls "The Glass Castle" because she showed me that anyone who is interesting has a past.
22. Malcolm Gladwell's "The Tipping Point" changed my life. I read it while visiting my friend Ann in Paris, and the discussion we had was a major paradigm shift for me, and reframed my perceptions about much of my past.
23. I haven't ever traveled so long or far that I'm ready to go home again. I wonder at what point my wanderlust would be sated.
24. Nearly everything I've worn in my adult life has been purchased second-hand or given to me by someone else, which I appreciate, as does my eternal-student husband. I don't have much of a fashion sense, but very sweet friends have intervened in my life in an effort to keep me off the "What Not To Wear" show.
25. The only diploma I've ever gotten was at Junior High graduation. I dropped out of high school my senior year, enrolled in community college and then transferred to a four-year college. I walked through graduation while enrolled in my last course via independent study, but never finished the course and thus never got my diploma. So far this fact hasn't held me back.
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