Perchance To Dream

Last Friday, Doc took the day off work and the two of us flew to Long Beach for a little overnight get-away for my birthday. It was absolutely wonderful! 

Dodge Charger

We got this ridiculously amazing deal on Hotwire.com at the five-star Island Hotel in Newport Beach, so our accommodations were superb in every way, particularly because one thing on our agenda was going to the 103rd annual Christmas Boat Parade around Balboa Island...which was just a mile away.  Perfect!

I always reserve economy rental cars, but when we got to Alamo, they upgraded us to a sweet set of wheels. I've never had a car without a key before.  And talk about acceleration! This was a fun ride.

Tunnel through the rocks

Saturday we went to Treasure Island Park, which is a beautiful stretch of coast in South Laguna. We loved exploring the beautiful gardens and rocks along the shore. It was low tide, so we hiked out on the rocks where we were surrounded by ocean, and just talked for a couple hours with the air and the smells and sounds of the sea filling us up and making us feel peaceful.  Ahh, dear ocean, I love you!

Looking inland from the rocks, accessible because it was low tide.

"What are your dreams?", Doc asked me as we sat, mesmerized by the ocean.  I paused for a while before answering, because I wanted to check in with myself.  Do I currently have any dreams? I wondered.  Growing up, my greatest dream was having a happy marriage and family. Really, that was all I wanted in my life, and while it takes effort to maintain, that dream has pretty much come true. But I never really had aspirations beyond these two things.

Sometimes opportunities have presented themselves and I've seized them.  Like when I became a flight attendant eleven years ago - that has been a very happy thing in my life. I also tend to get excited for other people and their dreams, happily signing on to support them in lieu of chasing my own dreams.  For example, it's taken a lot of effort to put Doc through his Ph.D. and then, later, going to medical school, but I don't regret any of the sacrifices it's taken to help him get to this point.

Doc & my sis. They're actually so much alike it's scary. And wonderful.

YMMV but it seems like there has almost been a movement towards not just having dreams, but having BIG DREAMS. People SHOULD have an admirable dream! You are wasting your life otherwise. 

So lately I've almost felt guilty about not having a big dream that I'm actively working towards.  Everyone around me seems to be, so what the heck is my problem?!

Doc didn't ask this question to pressure me. He's just genuinely curious, and supportive of me in pursuing worthwhile things.  He recognizes that some people (me) tend to be more process-oriented, while others are seem to need a specific goal that they're actively pursuing. Their dreams may fulfill any number of purposes, such as:

• Making their lives meaningful - by making a difference in the world whether large-scale or small. Starting a charity, volunteerism (eg: school, community counsel, church, soup kitchen), doing God's work, finding a cure for the common cold, etc. They want to leave a legacy behind them.
• Self-improvement - eg: become healthier (lose weight, work out more, eat healthier), acquire education (get a degree, take piano lessons, learn to scrapbook, bake, cook etc), find a partner (romance goals), all things that make them more accomplished and self-confident.
• Have lots of fun - such things as travel the world, go in a hot air balloon, be a guest on Oprah.  The pursuit of fun, unique, interesting experiences. (It seems these kinds of goals are wildly popular.)
• Negative motivation - like proving to someone else that you could do something, eg: those kids who were mean to your nerdy self growing up, doing something impressive so you can show them. This kind of goal can still bring about positive results, even though it's not the best starting point.
• Goals that you set because you need to - like learning to walk and talk after a stroke, quitting smoking BECAUSE it's KILLING YOU, or training as a stenographer for a new career as a court reporter. 
• General goals or aims, such as "eat healthier" or "spend quality time with my spouse and kids", or "be an optimist - accentuate the positive in life"...and doing these kinds of things can help improve one's overall life, but they tend to be less accountable. (These are the kinds of "goals" I've generally had.)

Though once upon a time I was a person with modest aspirations, they have all either come to pass or didn't come to fruition, and I never zeroed in on new goals. Hence, I've landed in this place of not really doing much good with my life the last while (few years?). 

Now granted, during this time I've been working hard to heal from the past, and fending off depression can be a major goal/dream/aspiration/pursuit killer. But there's no point in waiting till I'm "better" to have dreams I'm working on. I love how Leonard Cohen put it in his song Anthem:

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

So I've (again) begun thinking about goals and dreams.  I've watched this gorgeous message, and am hoping to identify what it is that I actually want. There are lots of things I'm pretty good at or that other people have suggested, but they haven't moved me to action. I'm sure that fear is the primary reason I am kind of stuck. Some of my dreams have been dashed, but rather than move on, I've felt sorry for myself and stopped trying, so as to avoid failure. How crazy is that?!  Also, I can be pretty lazy. 

I'm not yet sure what my dreams are. But I'm starting to zero in on the subject. I think I have a pretty good sense of the person I want to be generally (those General Goals mentioned above)...thoughtful, grateful, nice, honest, loyal, faithful to truth. I want to turn weaknesses into strengths, create happy memories for people I love, be a parent to and friends with my kids forever, and grow really old with my sweetheart while never losing the spark of love that we have. That would be a life well-lived. But in addition to these basics, I know there is room for me to soar.

Holiday Crimson Amaryllis

My darling bestie Keri sent me a gift this week for my birthday. Her note said "Sometimes beauty takes time. This is your year, Blue" 

It's an amaryllis, and it didn't come with instructions on how to make it bloom. Neither did I, but between all the resources out there, and the lovely people around me, I know that if I choose to, I can find and reach any dream I make.

Shakespeare asked well when he said: 
To be, or not to be, that is the question. 
I want to be.  And, perchance, to dream. 

Merry Christmas to you!
xoxo 

PS: (Did you click that first link? If you click nothing else, promise yourself that you will take just 10 minutes of your life and watch it. You won't regret it UNLESS YOUR HEART IS A PETRIFIED ROCK. I've watched it at least 15 times so far. Thank me later...preferably via a comment.)

Forty-Three!

It's midnight, straight up...which means it's officially my birthday! I'm grateful for so many things that I thought I'd make a random list of 43 of them. First, a quote I like:

My cake from 2010. So pretty!

There is always room for more gratitude in your life - more room for you to express it, and more room for you to receive it from others. Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others. ~ Cicero Roman.

So, in no particular order:

1. Doc took a vacation day on Friday so he'd have some time to spend with me. HOTY*
2. Gator sets his alarm 30 minutes early every day, so he can come upstairs and snuggle with me for half an hour before he gets ready for school.
3. Bunch being such a great example for me. Since her thirteenth birthday over two years ago, she has never missed a single day of reading her scriptures (three chapters a night; two in the Old Testiment and one in The Book of Mormon) and writing in what she calls her Hand of God journal--a record she keeps to take note of the ways God has touched her life that day. She's inspiring.
4. I have so many really ridiculously wonderful friends. I mean, WHO HAS BETTER FRIENDS THAN ME? No one, that's who! Sorry to lump you all in together, friends. But seriously, if we're friends, you should just know you are amazing and I love you.
5. How cold and crisp the tap water is in the winter here. It's one of the things I love about winter (which, btw, is not a long list. #heatlover).
6. My neighbors are finally all lovely people and I don't hate going outside any longer.
7. The internet. It is a blessing and a time sink that I often mismanage, but I love it.
8. People who are truly charitable. And I don't mean in the "giving to charities" sense, rather in the 1 Corinthians 13 sense. I want to be like them.
9. Dear Really Good Books, I love to read and get lost in you. Please thank your authors on my behalf!
10. If anyone can share a better perk than my (paid) job comes with, I'll make you a batch of toffee. Those flight benefits are a thing I will ever be grateful for. NOTE: as of Nov. 28th this year, I have been a flight attendant for exactly one-quarter of my life.  That is crazy!
11. Music. Nothing else in this world has ever reached out and grabbed my soul and helped me just feel the way beautiful music does. I'm kind of particular about music because it affects me so much...can't handle stuff that doesn't have a good spirit about it. Kind of moronic in a way, but that's how I roll.
12. Hope. I'm grateful for hope's ability to help me and others carry on when things are hard or sad.  So hope, you deserve a gold star today! Thanks!
13. Health. Really Really REalLY! Is there anything worse than not having it?! You might think not having money is worse, but you'd be wrong.
14. Christmas cards. I am grateful for the mail every day right now, because so far we've gotten at least one card every time the mail arrives. So great to hear from people near and far. I feel all special and loved.
15. My sisters. They are my dearest friends. I miss them both pretty much every day of my life. There is simply nothing else like a sister.
16. My piano. It dominates 42.093581% of our livable space, but I couldn't live without it. Plus, bonus delight when my daughter and husband play it.
17. Random acts of kindness. I was the recipient of a generous one last month. What a lovely thing to be able to do something for someone that changes their life for the better! I hope someday I can really make a difference for someone else!
18. I just learned how to make caramel. It's beyond.
19. I still make amazing toffee. And cakes. This is a fun thing to do for others.
20. Hot running water. Okay, I like drinking cold tap water, but can you imaging if you had never experienced the luxury of bathing in hot water?  I feel so spoiled every time I'm in the shower or a hot bath, and think about the billions of people who've lived and died without ever having that amazing experience. I am a hot water LOVER! And hogger.
21. 24-hour Fitness gym membership. Somehow, even though I only go like once a month and am horrible about fitness, just knowing that it's always open and there for me if when I DO get off my duff and make it there is a great comfort to me. And they have a hot tub, too. (see #20)  I tried Yoga this week...3rd time in my life doing that. #feltgood
22. My therapist. Okay guys, seriously? What was I paying every other person I've seen in the past 20 years for? She has been helping me in so many ways. What a gift. I'm grateful she uses her time and talents to help people like me who have had hard things to sort through and heal from. Tender mercy of the Lord, indeed.
23. Blogging. I don't do it much these days, and I know Commenting Is So 2007! (for the most part).  But I still feel grateful for the people who read my patch of cyberspace, for the love and support and the friendships and insights I've gained from others, and how blogging has edified my life Lo These Many Years! 
24. Speaking of...I won a prize on a blog last month. I'm not telling what it is, but it was a good one and I intend to share it in 10 days! So yay! Grateful!
25. Libraries. I can't buy books...really, just almost none right now. So not in the budget. But I love reading and so do my kids. It's my favorite tax-supported thing.  Whoever invented libraries is a hero. I wish I were talented enough to do something like this to express my appreciation.
26. That color that the sky turns during sunrise or sunset. PinkyOrangishPurpley Gloriousness. Fills me with awe. Every time. (Okay, mostly sunset. See #36)
27. Gator's note thanking me for "Making his Kidhood such a happy one".
28. The mountains just east of my home have such a beautiful silhouette and shape. They're majestic!
29. Airplanes. Uncle Orville and Wilbur--I know that they'd have eventually been invented if you hadn't done it, but I just want to tell you that you guys are total rock ✰★✰★s!!!
30. Knowing how to make fun shapes with the keyboard like ✿.•*¨`*•✿.•*¨`*•✿ and  ♥
31. Opportunities to help other people in small, meaningful ways that they appreciate. As fun as it is to receive, it really is more rewarding to give than to receive for some reason. Seems like the joy lasts longer or something. I really do feel grateful when I make a difference for someone else in my own little way.
32. Opportunities to learn and grow. Sometimes these "opportunities" are really painful, but I do appreciate how they make me stronger. If they'd killed me, then I probably wouldn't be so grateful. But so far so good!
33. Cars that run. They're not fancy, but they're paid for and pretty reliable. And such a luxury, really. #canyouimaginewalkingeverywhere?
34. My faith. I know many people have little or no use for faith, religion, etc. in their lives. But I am who I am today because of the truth that I've learned (and am still trying to incorporate.) It is the greatest source of peace, hope and happiness in my life. Without it, I'd have destroyed my life a thousand times over with the idiotic choices and decisions I'd have made through the years. And when I HAVE made a mess of things, my faith has taught me how to turn things around again, and find that peace and happiness we all want. I believe in Christ, and I know he is our Savior, even for those of us who don't believe or understand why we needed one. And I'm very grateful for this.
35. The lights everywhere this time of year. Can't we all just agree to leave them up the entire winter?! Because I could probably learn to like the colddarkdreary months more if we did. They make me happy and make everything seem better. So thank you to everyone who puts lights on their homes. It's a sweet gift to strangers and friends alike.
36. Every morning, even if I'm still sounds asleep (which has been the case 94.3729% of the time), Doc and Bunch both come hug me before they leave for the day. Sometimes I know they're in a rush, but they do it anyway. (Bunch has her first class at 6am, so she leaves in the dark before the dawn). I'm an owl by nature, but wish I were a lark!
37. Good teachers for my kids. If someone gets to spend all that waking time with my darlings instead of me, then you can bet that I'm completely grateful for teachers who care about and nurture their minds and souls with wisdom, kindness, patience, creativity, beauty, inspiration and general niceness. Just being NICE to kids can make such a difference in a life! And mine both have great teachers this year.  #Winning
38. Things that make me laugh. Don't you love a good belly laugh?!
39. Discovering that a new food that I previously didn't like is now something I enjoy. Latest addition to my palate? Butternut Squash Soup. Who knew?!
40. Frienships with older people. Tonight my 89 year old cousin (okay, her mother and my grandfather were siblings...so,1st cousin once removed?) called me. She is such a darling, and we talk every 2-3 months. It's been one of the delights of my adult life to have a few dear older women "adopt" me and reach out. A year ago this week I lost my darling Alice, who was a grandmotherly figure for me my whole life. I'm excited to attend Georgiana's 90th birthday celebration next summer because I haven't seen her in 14 years. What a gem of a person. I want to be like these dears ladies in many ways.
41. Travel. Wait, you think I already mentioned this? It's different than flight benefits. I want to see SO many places. It makes me so happy to ponder the things I've yet to experience in this great big, amazingbeautifulwonderful world.
42. Rocks, Trees, and Water. Am I weird because I just love these things? Whatever. I have simply been enchanted by the colors, patterns, scent, shapes, majesty and power of them, and all they provide for us. I am RT&W Fan #1. (Yes, I am weird.)
43. Here I am at 43. What should this final slot contain after this random list of stuff? Really, I think I must end with my gratitude for gratitude. Meaning, that feeling that fills you up to the tippy top of you, all cozyhappywarmandlovely when you allow yourself to really be grateful and quiet inside. It's the best feeling I know, and makes me want to try harder to be a better me. You get that, too, right?!

Here's to another 43 years!

*Husband Of The Year. In recent polls, he is the frontrunner for the title.  

Wait, you're STILL HERE?  You mean you read that entire list? Wow. You are even MORE amazing than I even realized! #fivestarblogbuddy