"Will you tuck me in?!" his hopeful voice asked.
At eleven years old, my baby is quite capable of putting himself to bed, and has been for a long time. But he still regularly asks me, after prayers are said and teeth are brushed, if I will tuck him in.
For a lot of years, when I was struggling under the heavy blanket of depression, once my kids were old enough, I would often find a way to get out of making the trek downstairs to tuck them in. It felt like a delay tactic, one way to prolong the bedtime routine.
But for about nine months now, I've felt grand. It's such an amazing thing, to feel happy, peaceful, alive. And one of the best parts is the new, increased enjoyment of my sweet children. I confess feeling regret that so many years of their childhood slipped quickly by while I was weighed down, unable to be present with them in the manner I wished I could be. I did what I could, and I'm not saying they've had a bad childhood by any means, but I wished I could have ALWAYS felt like I do now. That I had crammed even more love, magic and happy memories into their daily lives. I wish I had never missed a chance to snuggle with and tuck them into their nests at night.
I don't have a single memory of my parents tucking me in as a child. Tenderness from them would have been confusing for me anyway. Of course like any person I wanted to feel loved and cared for, but when factored with the things that went on a lot of the time with them, it also made me uncomfortable. So I was stuck.
There was a lovely British family that we got to know through my brother's soccer team, and one evening their mother, Sandra, was over at our house. I had always liked her gentle ways and beautiful accent, and enjoyed any chance to visit with her, but I had a 6:00 a.m. class in the morning, and had to say goodnight before she had left. I had just turned out the light and crawled into my bed when Sandra came into the garage, wove her way over to my bed, pulled my covers up and kissed my cheek goodnight, and wished me sweet dreams. After she left, I lay there in the darkness, weeping because of the kindness she had shown me. It felt so strange and lovely all at once, to be cared for in that simple way.
So now, whenever I hear the words "will you tuck me in?" (and even on nights when I'm not asked) the answer is a definite yes. Yes, my darlings, I would love to tuck you in...for as long as you want to be tucked. It is my privilege and joy to take a moment at the end of your day to tuck you in.
And with every tuck in, I hope I can infuse them with double loves, to make up for the nights when I missed taking the time to show them how much they really mean to me.
Grateful for:
1) The fact that my children would even WANT me to tuck them in.
1) The fact that my children would even WANT me to tuck them in.
2) Kisses goodbye whenever we part ways.
3) Hugs. Lots of hugs.
