Last week when Doc was slated to put in over a hundred hours at the hospital*, Gator came up to him late one night while he was lying on the floor, exhausted."I'm sorry, Daddy", Gator said."Sorry for what?" Doc asked."I'm sorry that I wanted us to stay here.""Why?"
"Because you have to work so hard."From the moment Doc mentioned that he was interested in the considerably more relaxed Transitional Year program near Boston as his first choice, Gator started praying that we wouldn't have to move. I mean, it was like a desperate mantra with him.
Worried about the fallout if we did end up matching elsewhere, I tried to steer his mind towards a more accepting attitude. "Sweetie, instead of praying that we won't have to 
move, why don't you pray that everything will work out how it is supposed to! That no matter what happens, we'll be happy and have the life experiences we need to have."But Gator wasn't having any of that. Month after month, his constant prayer was that we wouldn't have to move. Nothing short of staying put was acceptable in his mind.
When we finally found out we staying here, Gator viewed it as a direct answer to his heartfelt prayers. That was one very happy moment in this kid's life.
And now we find out he feels personally responsible for the insane hours his poor daddy has to put in.
Grateful for:
1) My sweet boy's faith that God will answer his prayers.2) My sweet Doc's way of handling the pressures he faces during difficult rotations. He's amazing.
3) My life here. I'd have been fine with an adventure somewhere else, but I really love living here.
* Note: Doc's resident called him and said they realized his hours were way over the legal limit, and told him to take the next day off. Major!!!
With summer in full-swing, it's that fantastic time of year my kids refer to as The Cousins Are Here!
Doc is the oldest of five kids who are all now married with kids, and we are the only ones with a mere two children. (Slackers!) The Cousins, as Bunch and Gator fondly refer to them, are some of definitely our kids favorite people in the world. They revel in Cousin-Time.
We've enjoyed visiting with them up at Doc's parent's home, and also had some stay with us in our home last week. It's been busy, crazy, fun, noisy, and fabulous.
Unfortunately I got sick and wasn't up for the trip north for more weekend fun, so my kids are there with aunties and uncles and cousins and grandparents, and needless-to-say, Doc is working. I'm feeling better today, but at this point I am just gearing up to head out for work.
So with my free morning, I finally had a 
chance to head back to Mack's salon for another hair appointment. It's been over three months since he first worked his magic on me, and it was time for a touch-up. Only this time there was no Gator at waiting at home to burst into tears upon my return. And this time I didn't have Mack dry and style it for me (he had a lot of clients waiting). Gotta learn to fly solo eventually! (Self portraits are so much fun!)
Grateful For:
1) Auntie Mish who has been such fun to have visit.
2) Stolen moments with Doc as he wrapped up his first rotation of the year. One down, twelve to go!
3) Possible IRL meet-up with a bloggy friend today...hope it happens!
I used to have a different blog. I had it long before anyone I knew had a blog, and I loved my blog. Then almost 4 years ago my childhood finally started to catch up to me, and as a matter of survival I sent a letter to my "upline" asking them to not contact me or my family any more, including reading my blog.
Perhaps it was because one of my siblings had stopped talking to them years before, without even a formal request for no contact, and they seemed to just let them peacefully go their own way, I assumed they'd oblige and respect my Official Request and I'd be off the hook, too.
That wasn't the first time I've been wrong. Won't be the last.
Where before he'd never followed my blog, suddenly my dad started leaving comments not only my blog, but Doc and Bunch's blogs, too. Before this time, he would maybe pick up the phone or write once a year (if that). He'd let my mom sign his name on just about every card I'd ever gotten for my birthday. I can only recall one gift that was specifically from him in my entire life...a set of white scriptures. He simply didn't bother with relationships.
Now suddenly he was doing anything he could (mail, email, phone) to contact me...all while never mentioning my letter.
(Which had been very clear, in as kind a way as I could put it, about why I needed to cut them off. If there is, in fact, a kind way to essentially divorce oneself from one's parents.).
His refusal to respect my request for no contact all while ignoring the matter entirely was maddening.
After a few weeks of this I reached breaking point and in vintage John Grisham style, I entered my own "blogger witness protection program". I abruptly abandoned my old blog, and any readers following it. I didn't write a final post, or offer any explanation. I simply "escaped", at a time when flight was really the only coping mechanism I could manage. I'd never been good at standing up for myself.
The next couple years were so free. This new blog became a haven for me. But like those in the witness protection program, I was a little paranoid of being discovered. I tried to be SO cautious, but one day, my biggest blog fear happened.
I was reading my site stats. Now, I know the habits of my readers. Most of you never click anything...and a two minute visit is impressive. But one night, someone had been on for hours and hours, reading every blasted page of my blog.
I felt gut-punched. I'm just not THAT interesting, and I know it. Then I looked at the location of this visitor. Strike two--my parents town. Looking up the ISP confirmed my worst fear: they'd found me. Or at least one of them had.
In a world with half a billion blogs at the time, I hadn't been too worried that they'd just stumble across it on their own. They're just not technically savvy. But (and you are welcome to laugh at me!) I naively trusted that even if they did somehow...as soon as they realized it was mine, they'd stop reading. You know, out of respect for my privacy, because, you know, I'd sent That Nice Letter.
I'm such an idiot at times!
I emailed them that night. It was my first contact with them in 2 years, but I confronted them and asked them to let me know if it wasn't them, because I was feeling kind of violated.
It took almost a month before I finally got a reply, and it was from my mother, who confirmed it was just her. She then apologized and said "I feel really sorry for that. Will you forgive me? I promise not to do it again without your permission."I wanted to know how she found out about it. I asked repeatedly, but that question was avoided. Eventually I found out that it was my own carelessness in leaving a comment on my sister's blog without changing my name to "anonymous" so it was linked to my profile that was my undoing. My older brother's wife saw it, told him, who immediately fed the information to the parents.
And that's the story.
Though I don't trust the older brother or his wife who never agreed not to read it, for some reason I trusted my parents would do as they promised and not read my blog. I know you are probably thinking I am being ridiculous. "It's out there where the whole world can see it", some have told me. "It's asking a lot for them to not look at it when everyone else is allowed."
Still, old habits die hard, and in many ways I'm still that small kid who wants to believe their parents are trustworthy.
When I was five, I was digging around in the dirt one day when I found an old, rusty, odd-shaped hammer buried in the dirt in our yard. I was elated with this fantastic treasure...it was the neatest thing mother earth could have offered up in to me!
I have no idea why, but my little tool just seemed to need me to scratch my name, complete with backward letters, on the front of my mom's wooden dresser.
I had to oblige.
When she discovered what I'd done, I was in H.O.T. water. That spanking still stands out in my mind 35+ years later. It was epic. But thankfully she didn't take my beloved little hammer away from me, so I was able to scratch my name into my dad's dresser too! So they'd match, you see.
When she discovered second signature, not only did I lose my precious hammer for good, but we had a serious talk about trust, and how when it's broken, it "takes a really long time to regain it". She explained that she had lost her trust in me, which was very painful for my five-year old soul.
I've known for a while that they didn't keep their promise.
Known it, but I don't have it in me to pull up stakes and run away again like the last time. So I'm here for good. I still don't want them to read my blog, and every time it happens I feel a little further away from ever mending the situation. If I started over, it would only be a matter of time before I messed up and they found my new patch of cyberspace.
It's a small world, after all.
Grateful for:
1) That two year reprieve I enjoyed. I was able to heal and grow a lot during that time.
2) My new bloggy followers. Even if you never comment...I see that you've visited and that gives me warm fuzzies.
3) Doc finished his first of his 13 Transitional Year rotations today. It was a grueling one, but the next month won't be bad at all in comparison.
Today I had a wonderful conversation with one of the angels in my life, who shared a story with me about a woman whose life had been ruined by some people. The woman was filled with hate for them, to the point that it was all-consuming and destroying her.
Recognizing the need to forgive them, the woman began to pray for help. For a long time, nothing changed, but then one day, as she put it, "I forgave them for one hour-but then I hated them for seven. Then another day I forgave them for three hours, and then hated them for two days. Eventually I forgave them for a whole day, but then hated them for a month. Sometimes that's how forgiveness works."
I cried as my angel told me this story.
Grateful for:
- Not really ever hating my "upline". I'm most often just sad about the "what might have been" aspect (or, more accurately, who I might have been. They ruined a lot of things.)
- Making peace with the fact that we don't have to keep caustic people close to us. Isn't that great?!
- Stories that bless me with a new insight. I won't necessarily have one of those "and suddenly, it was just lifted from my shoulders and I was free" kinds of forgiveness experiences you hear about sometimes...most likely it'll continue to be just like this woman. An hour here, a day there.
I'll take it!
♥
move, why don't you pray that everything will work out how it is supposed to! That no matter what happens, we'll be happy and have the life experiences we need to have."
